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I don't even know how to support DH anymore...

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Things are not good between DH and BM for SS12. She doesn't like me and has made it clear to DH that she sees him soley as a sperm donor and monthly rent provider. She does not want him in SS's life. DH fights and fights and fights. DH and BM were together until SS was 8. After that a court order was put in place and DH has had consistent visitation for the last 4 or so years. BM has since remarried and has a 2 year old. DH and I married in the fall and are expected our first child together. BM decided, without discussion with DH, that she was going to move SS this summer. DH firmly believes this is not what is best for SS and is contesting the move. Things have only escalated from there. BM refuses to communicate with DH about even the littlest things. Visitations with SS have gotten very difficult as he is at an age where he shows a strong dislike for us and everything involved with us. DH had SS yesterday for Father's Day. SS never wished him a Happy Father's Day or even acknowledged it. BM called SS late in the day and reminded him about summer visitation with his dad. SS got upset and proceeded to break his younger brothers toys, yell at DH, and tell him he doesn't care about him. DH was devestated. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know how to support him. I don't know the words to say to make it better. I can't tell him it will be okay. What if it never is okay? What if his son never comes around? What if he spends his whole life hating his father? The man that loves him so much? I stay out of the situation between DH and BM. It's not my problem. But I hate that she continues to say these hurtful things to DH. I hate that SS hears them. I hate that SS believes them. It just makes me sad.
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Replies (31-35):
orcawhales98
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:59 AM

This is called Parent Alienating Syndrom or PAS.  My son was 12 when my exh started telling my son that I didn't want him any more and that I didn't love him anymore.  It has been 2 yrs and I haven't seen my son in 6 months.  My son sees me at school activities and walks the oppisite direction.  I call him and try to talk to him about school or other EC and he just says I don't want to talk about that or i don't want to talk to you or that is none of your concern.  My son has called me every name in the book and I am sorry some of those names my son wouldn't have heard at school he would have to hear them from his dad.  I am so sorry your DH is having to go through that and my SO has been very supportive but at times he doesn't know what to say either.  If I were you I would just let your DH vent and express how he is feeling.  Maybe if I were you have him or even yourself read up on PAS.  I would sugguest that they go to councling.  My son has gone it hasn't really helped but he goes.  Good luck to you and your DH.  I hope your SS comes around soon.  Parents just don't realize how much they are messing up the kids when they pull petty stuff like this. 

orcawhales98
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 2:03 AM


I am so sorry Tinderbellmama that your DH has gone through this.  I am going through this with my DS 14.  My exh did a real number on him and now he won't talk to me or anything.  I haven't really spent anytime with my son in 6 months.  DS doesn't really talk to me on the phone or never wants to see me.  It is sad that parents are so selfish and all they think about them selves and don't think about the life long damage they are doing to the child.  Good luck with your SD I hope she will soon come around. 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I gotta tell you, BM has done EVERYTHING to try to destroy DH's relationship with SD.

When we were expecting our DDs (who are now 5 and 6, so SD was 6 and 7 when they were born, but developmentally about 4/5) BM would tell SD that daddy is having a new baby daughter and doesn't need her anymore; that daddy isn't going to want SD around anymore when his new baby daughter is born. That daddy doesn't love SD anymore. Because daddy is going to see his new baby daughter every day and doesn't see SD every day daddy doesn't love SD. BM told SD, "I just get so depressed when you aren't with me. I need you to keep me happy." And, "It hurts me when you're happy to see daddy and SM" or "it hurts me when you ask to talk to daddy."

Seriously, those are the things SD has repeated over the years to not only us, but now to her counselor. It totally happens. I can't say for sure that it is in this situation, but I can tell you 100% that DH has done nothing but love his daughter and he's done his best to ensure that SD has the best relationship possible with both himself and BM. He's probably done too much to help BM's relationship with SD, especially now that BM can't even be bothered to spend more than a few hours with her kid at a time.


Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 





chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 5:38 AM

Why is dh contesting the move? It soundalike he wouldn't get custody and ss doesn't want to live with you guys.   contesting the move sounds like a control move.    Are they tryin to control each other?   they were together for 8 years.  That is along time. How involved was dad with ss when they were together?  what abut immediately post divorce?

How long have you two been together?  What is your relationship with ss like?is dh supporting the child financially?

Idk, I wouldn't necessarily think I had the full story at this point.

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:13 AM

DH is contesting the move because he has issues with the location and the school district SS will be in.  It isn't a play to get custody.  It is DH doing what he feels is best for SS.  DH was actively involved in the upbringing of SS when BM and DH were together - never married - and has been actively involved since the seperation.  He has always financially supported BM and SS and will continue to as it is his responsibility.  

SS and I got along very well in the beginning with BM liked me.  When she realized I couldn't be controlled and fully supported DH and wouldn't listen to her talking poorly about me (which all happened within the last year) she stopped liking me and in turn SS did as well.  

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:32 PM

SD lives with us full time and rarely sees BM. Everything pretty much backfired on BM. SD is in counseling to help deal with everything BM did and then her pretty much abandoning SD. BM only takes one visit a month and when she does she usually just  drops SD off with BM's mom.


Quoting orcawhales98:


I am so sorry Tinderbellmama that your DH has gone through this.  I am going through this with my DS 14.  My exh did a real number on him and now he won't talk to me or anything.  I haven't really spent anytime with my son in 6 months.  DS doesn't really talk to me on the phone or never wants to see me.  It is sad that parents are so selfish and all they think about them selves and don't think about the life long damage they are doing to the child.  Good luck with your SD I hope she will soon come around. 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I gotta tell you, BM has done EVERYTHING to try to destroy DH's relationship with SD.

When we were expecting our DDs (who are now 5 and 6, so SD was 6 and 7 when they were born, but developmentally about 4/5) BM would tell SD that daddy is having a new baby daughter and doesn't need her anymore; that daddy isn't going to want SD around anymore when his new baby daughter is born. That daddy doesn't love SD anymore. Because daddy is going to see his new baby daughter every day and doesn't see SD every day daddy doesn't love SD. BM told SD, "I just get so depressed when you aren't with me. I need you to keep me happy." And, "It hurts me when you're happy to see daddy and SM" or "it hurts me when you ask to talk to daddy."

Seriously, those are the things SD has repeated over the years to not only us, but now to her counselor. It totally happens. I can't say for sure that it is in this situation, but I can tell you 100% that DH has done nothing but love his daughter and he's done his best to ensure that SD has the best relationship possible with both himself and BM. He's probably done too much to help BM's relationship with SD, especially now that BM can't even be bothered to spend more than a few hours with her kid at a time.


Quoting Lurion:

So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 







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