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Help!

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:39 PM
  • 70 Replies

So, as of right now, my fiance and I have my SS on Tuesday & Thursday nights (sometimes he stays the night and sometimes he doesn't), and then every other weekend. This schedule has worked out pretty well for us so far but my fiance just started a new job and he's going to be working on a graveyard shift. He's going to be going from working Mon-Fri, 6:00am - 2:00pm, to working 6:00pm to 6:00am Thurs, Fri, Sat, and every other Sun. 

Obviously this means that our schedule with my SS is going to be changing but I'm torn. I really don't know what to do because, as bad as I feel about it, I really don't need for him to come over when my fiance is at work. I think it's more important for him to come over when he can spend time with his Dad. BUT...I also don't want him to come over every single day that my fiance has off. His schedule is going to be 4 days on, 4 days off, 3 days on, 3 days off. The problem I have with that is those days are going to be the only times that my fiance and I have to spend together too and I don't want to give up all of the quality time we have together because his son will be there everday. 

What should I do? Am I just being too sensitive about it? Should I just suck it up and deal with the fact that his son will be there with us? 

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LoveMy2x4
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:53 PM

My SO will be taking on a new job that will have him working a mojority of the days that we dont have skids. So basically the only day he will be home while skids arent there are on Weds, but I get home around 7:30 on Weds. I kind of felt like you at first, but time to get used to the idea of it before it happened has helped. SO said that if we need a night out, or just time to ourselves, he will switch shifts with my BIL (who he will be working with). That will end up in him losing a night with skids, but in the long run, we need time too. And it wont be very often. 

I would suggest one of the night he is home, to not have SS. Also, how old is SS? Maybe he can go to bed an hour or two each night earlier than you guys. 

newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:55 PM
3 moms liked this

A few questions...how young are you, your fiance, your SS? Any children of your own? How long have you been together?

I promise, there is a purpose to my questions.

And here is some advice...As a fiance to a man with a child you have to rethink quality time...you have to think outside the box and 1. get creative as to how to get it and 2. adjust your definition of it.

The reality is this...what you will come to see in time is part of what you will love about your fiance if he is a good man is the fact that he is a good and devoted father...that means he will be that to your future children some day if you so desire. Additionally, their relationship is blood and preceeded you. That boy had no choice in who he was born to or that the course of his life would include a divided home...those choices were forced on him by his parents. His parents then have a responsibility to him to figure out a way to navigate that, still be parents, present, and provide what he needs. Plain and simple, your man has an obligation to his son. More than that, they have a right to love and know one another. That man and boy have one go around at establishing a relationship while the child grows up. Your choice is simple, you either join in and be a part or you make life hard and get in the way. I can easily tell you which route has the happy ending. A man with a child is a different kind of love story and takes adjustments. If you think ahead, with and open mind, selflessly, and creatively, you can adjust and it can be very rich and fulfilling...if you set up a competition it makes everyone miserable...you will alienate yourself from the child and push his dad away...if a father is a good one he will choose his child over you if you make him choose, and if a man chooses the woman, well he's not shit worth having anyway, so that relationship ends up crap anyway.

Some women find that they just can't think that way and adjust to a man with kid(s). Others find it a blessing...it takes an open mind and a LOT of flexibility.

smarterthanyou
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 1:57 PM

 since it's going to be an adjustment for you all. (imo) i would keep the kid on the same schedule for now (even though that means he wont actually see dad). let the family get adjusted to the schedule then slowly switch the visitation time so that he's there when he can see dad. maybe alternate so that every other 2 days off (or how ever many) is spent with family, then spent with just you guys. however, imo this also depends on the age of the kid. young ones need the adjustment times but if he is closer to tween, then it's called life, it'll be a good learning experience that parents do what they gotta do to provide for their families.

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 I would love to have some alone time with DH.  It's rare that happens!

e.nicole.w
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:08 PM

I am 25, my fiance is 26, and my SS is 6. We have only been together about 2 years and we're getting married in September. I have no kids of my own so everything with my SS has been an adjustment. And another thing you mentioned is that they are blood and he came before me....well, he did come before me but he is not my fiance's biological son which has added to some of the confusion I've had about the situation since we've been together. He's taken care of him since he was a baby but biologically that's not his son. I would never want him to choose me over his son or vice versa but I would still like alone time with him every once in a while. 


Quoting newstepmom61811:

A few questions...how young are you, your fiance, your SS? Any children of your own? How long have you been together?

I promise, there is a purpose to my questions.

And here is some advice...As a fiance to a man with a child you have to rethink quality time...you have to think outside the box and 1. get creative as to how to get it and 2. adjust your definition of it.

The reality is this...what you will come to see in time is part of what you will love about your fiance if he is a good man is the fact that he is a good and devoted father...that means he will be that to your future children some day if you so desire. Additionally, their relationship is blood and preceeded you. That boy had no choice in who he was born to or that the course of his life would include a divided home...those choices were forced on him by his parents. His parents then have a responsibility to him to figure out a way to navigate that, still be parents, present, and provide what he needs. Plain and simple, your man has an obligation to his son. More than that, they have a right to love and know one another. That man and boy have one go around at establishing a relationship while the child grows up. Your choice is simple, you either join in and be a part or you make life hard and get in the way. I can easily tell you which route has the happy ending. A man with a child is a different kind of love story and takes adjustments. If you think ahead, with and open mind, selflessly, and creatively, you can adjust and it can be very rich and fulfilling...if you set up a competition it makes everyone miserable...you will alienate yourself from the child and push his dad away...if a father is a good one he will choose his child over you if you make him choose, and if a man chooses the woman, well he's not shit worth having anyway, so that relationship ends up crap anyway.

Some women find that they just can't think that way and adjust to a man with kid(s). Others find it a blessing...it takes an open mind and a LOT of flexibility.



bottomline
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:23 PM
1 mom liked this

 Every parent struggles to find quality time alone. Adjust your thinking. You knew he had a kid when you met him. That means making sacrifices.  If date night prevails over kid time, then you have some thinking to do.

What will you do when you have your own children? How will you schedule date night then? It's something every parent or every soon to be parent struggles with.

newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:25 PM
2 moms liked this

 I totally get where your coming from. You're young, this is your romance, this is you falling in love with the man of your dreams.

MIne came with a trail of three little ducklings...and he's the custodial parent 86.67% percent of the time (Mom gets 4 days a month)...Mom is a flake...carving out time takes creativity...it happens after the kids go down for bed, it happens the 4 days a month they see Mom.

You carve it out where you can.

This child can't be independent like you can...you are the adult and have the ability to be more creative and flexible. You have the ability to see the need for someone else's needs to be handled first. Children are very needy. Their worlds are small and very easily rocked. It doesn't take much to shake them up. He needs his dad.

I spend time with Dad and the kids, family time is good time too, and time with my man, just because the kids are there doesn't ruin the time it makes with my husband...then I make time after the kids go to bed...it is very good, quality time together...we do things together in view of the kids too...put in a movie for them while we cook together...some of our best talks have happened over the kitchen counter making a meal together. My husband loves to work in the garage...I sit and sip a beer with him while he works and talks to me and the kids play in the front yard...I can keep an eye on them, they feel loved and tended too, I'm relaxing with my beer, DH is doing what he LOVES to do, puttering in his mancave/garage and all the while we're still talking and connecting...like I said...it doesn't necessarily have to be ALONE time to be connected time...you have to be creative and adjust your idea of quality time and you will be surprised just what you can dig up...

And then there are the 4 true date nights a month...when the kids are with mom...that's actually a huge number if you make use of it...on the friday of the weekends she has them...it's a 'stay-in" date night, we lock out the world and absolutely focus on each other. Saturday she has them we go out...maybe just us to a movie or something or maybe out with friends but we do a couple thing and get out and do something as a couple...

I hope some of these ideas help reframe how you think...quality time can be made not by getting the child out of the house but working the child in, and then when you do have the time without the child, you USE it and use it well.

This is a struggle for all women married to or involved with men with kids...you can figure out happy ways to work around the kids and work in the kids and make quality time for everyone...

Good Luck

 


Quoting e.nicole.w:

I am 25, my fiance is 26, and my SS is 6. We have only been together about 2 years and we're getting married in September. I have no kids of my own so everything with my SS has been an adjustment. And another thing you mentioned is that they are blood and he came before me....well, he did come before me but he is not my fiance's biological son which has added to some of the confusion I've had about the situation since we've been together. He's taken care of him since he was a baby but biologically that's not his son. I would never want him to choose me over his son or vice versa but I would still like alone time with him every once in a while. 

 

Quoting newstepmom61811:

A few questions...how young are you, your fiance, your SS? Any children of your own? How long have you been together?

I promise, there is a purpose to my questions.

And here is some advice...As a fiance to a man with a child you have to rethink quality time...you have to think outside the box and 1. get creative as to how to get it and 2. adjust your definition of it.

The reality is this...what you will come to see in time is part of what you will love about your fiance if he is a good man is the fact that he is a good and devoted father...that means he will be that to your future children some day if you so desire. Additionally, their relationship is blood and preceeded you. That boy had no choice in who he was born to or that the course of his life would include a divided home...those choices were forced on him by his parents. His parents then have a responsibility to him to figure out a way to navigate that, still be parents, present, and provide what he needs. Plain and simple, your man has an obligation to his son. More than that, they have a right to love and know one another. That man and boy have one go around at establishing a relationship while the child grows up. Your choice is simple, you either join in and be a part or you make life hard and get in the way. I can easily tell you which route has the happy ending. A man with a child is a different kind of love story and takes adjustments. If you think ahead, with and open mind, selflessly, and creatively, you can adjust and it can be very rich and fulfilling...if you set up a competition it makes everyone miserable...you will alienate yourself from the child and push his dad away...if a father is a good one he will choose his child over you if you make him choose, and if a man chooses the woman, well he's not shit worth having anyway, so that relationship ends up crap anyway.

Some women find that they just can't think that way and adjust to a man with kid(s). Others find it a blessing...it takes an open mind and a LOT of flexibility.

 

 


 

whatIknownow
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:26 PM
1 mom liked this

I hate to say it but yes, you should suck it up. He has only so much time to go around, and he needs to spend quality time with his son as well as with you.

tiredmama42
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:27 PM

Posts like this always make me wonder what free time and quality time is.  If a couple is never divorced they have their kids full time and get breaks when they get a sitter.    When you take on a man with child these are issues you need to consider before getting involved.      My DH knew my kids were full time when he met me and most of our time is spent doing stuff with the kids.    Would you feel differently about this if it were your child?

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:30 PM
Yikes!! That sure is a pickle. When a parent is a full time parent, say has their child all the time, they have their kids on their off days as well as their working days. Why is it such a big deal for your SO to have his kid on his days off? Can you not spend any time with him on working days? I can't tell you the last time my son went somewhere on one of my days off. We just get a sitter when we want to do something kid free. I don't really have anywhere that I could 'send' him so that I don't 'have' to have him on ALL of my off days. That just seems very silly to me.
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