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HELP!!! Needing Advice on soon to be stepson troubles!

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:52 PM
  • 27 Replies

This summer my fiance's kids have came to stay with us. I have to say I was pretty excited but at the same time a little scared. My fiance had warned me that his oldest could be a little hard to handle at times. I was raised very different from how he was because he has basically been babied due to him having ODD. I was raised in an enviroment of you have to give respect to get it. We have had some little istances with him sending messages or calling his mom saying I hate him and he doesn't know why his dad moved to Missouri etc. Well last night I had finally had it with him ignoring me when I asked/told him to do something or just asked a general question. I walked away went to mine and his dad's bedroom to be by myself and calm down. I then explained to his father that if I ignored my grandmother (who raised me) then I would have had my butt handed to me. He has been disrespectful and it feels as if he is trying to split me and his dad up at times. I feel like he is driving a wedge between me and his father. I know he is his son and he should stick up for him but I feel like he is babied by both my fiance and his mother. Any advice.

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:56 PM
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My son has odd. I don't baby him but traditional methods don't really work with him. Are they really babying him or just not doing it your way? For sure your mate should stick up for you. Maybe, he should be responsible for telling the skids what their chores and expectations are.
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 3:17 PM
2 moms liked this

Let it go.  Seriously.  This is how his BF and BM are choosing to raise him (regardless if he has ODD or not), that's their decision. He won't conform to how you were raised as neither of his parents are raising him this way either.  Their kid, their choice.

Now, as you are not married to him yet, is the time to decide if your love for this man can withstand a marriage to him parenting his child this way, and perhaps any you choose to have with him as well. 

For now, disengage.  Don't expect 'respect' from the kid.  Don't expect to engage with him.  Leave all parenting to BF. Don't be left alone with him, don't do things specifically for him (that you're not already doing for 'everyone else' anyway).  Simply co-exist under the same roof but stop worrying about being 'respected' in this home.  Your life will continue even if the kid doesn't 'respect' you the way you feel you should be respected.  If BF has to deal with the disrespect solely, maybe he'll change.  Maybe he won't, but you'll have a glimpse into what sort of father he'd make for children you may choose to have too (a benefit some of us first moms didn't have with the BFs in our situation). 

Try taking things slow, letting the boy get used to the fact that dad moved, now lives with you, and just be friendly without 'expecting' anything at all from him.  Don't allow him to be violent with you but don't have high expectations at the beginning either.  If you're making lunch for others, make him lunch too, but don't go out of your way to 'do' things for him, let BF handle it.  If you're playing a game with the other kids, dont' exclude his DS but set clear rules for ALL playing and go from there, or better yet, have BF play too and handle his DS when needed, or don't play the game.  If BF will be gone, BF takes DS with him or hires a sitter.  Until/unless BF is willing to 100% back your needs for respect, your way (respect comes in different forms for different people), let BF have him 100% of the time, afterall, his DS came to see him, not you. 

mandeseig
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 4:33 PM

 

It is most definitely babying him. More his mother than his father. His father normally takes a stand toward him but when it comes to him being in trouble it is normally we just have to let it go. His mom on the other hand allows him to do pretty much whatever he wants after she tells him he cant do something because he throws a temper tantrum and she doesn't want to listen to it. I understand there is going to be an adjustment period for both me and his kids. I am not used to dealing with teenage kids because my son is only 15 months but I feel like i have to walk on eggshells and that i am a guest in my own home.


 

Quoting faerie75:

My son has odd. I don't baby him but traditional methods don't really work with him. Are they really babying him or just not doing it your way? For sure your mate should stick up for you. Maybe, he should be responsible for telling the skids what their chores and expectations are.


 

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 4:39 PM
1 mom liked this

 If you don't even live in the same state with them, I don't see how you can possibly know everything Mom does with him. 

My suggestion is to stop interacting with him.  You're clearly not getting anything from it, so stop telling him what to do - period.  He can't ignore you if you're not talking to him. 

Seriously, ODD kids have to be parented VERY differently than a regular child.  Most people, from the outside, believe it's about giving them everything they want, when in reality it isn't that way at all.  It's simply that they must be handled differently than other kids.  Restrictions have to be put into place in a different way and boundaries must be held in a different way.  It's also complete normal for them to go haywire when taken out of their normal environment. 

packermomof2
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 5:41 PM
1 mom liked this

You're not raising him, so comparing yourself to someone who did raise another person's kid was like comparing apples and oranges. 

What he says to his mom is between him and his mom, not you.

He should give respect, yes.  Demanding isn't the way to get it.

Why isn't he allowed to question why his father moved?

My daughter has decided to give me attitude and has, at times, ignored me or been disrespectful.  She isn't trying to break up my husband and I.  She's being an ornery 12 year old who has her mother punishing her when she is disrespectful and a SF who has been in her life for 9 years doing the same thing when she tries it on him.  He's earned the respect needed to discipline... you sound like you're pretty new and you need dad backing you up instead of trying take this on by yourself.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 5:42 PM
My SO does not understand my ODD son. I mostly handle hi myself. SO and Ido occasionally argue over him.
mandeseig
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:47 AM

We had a long talk yesterday. Yes I may be pretty new to handling this but wether I raised him or not he is living in my home and it will be by my rules. He wont be treated any different then my own child. I wont do that. I was a step child and I know it is difficult but thee has to be ground. Wether they live in another state or not. Me and him sat down and talked yesterday. He is allowed to question his father's move but I am not the blame for the move and he finally realizes that. The move was his father's decision. Thank you all for your replies.

mandeseig
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:54 AM

 I don't have to live in the same house to know what she does and how she acts. We stay there when we pick up the kids and when we visit them we stay there. I am not going to stop completely interacting with him. I understand that I am new to the ODD situation but one thing I do know is if they don't have mad respect for you they don't listen. Amazing things come out of just talking to them and having a sit down talk. Ignoring a child gets you absolutely no where. Thank you for you advice. I appreciate it.


Quoting DDDaysh:

 If you don't even live in the same state with them, I don't see how you can possibly know everything Mom does with him. 

My suggestion is to stop interacting with him.  You're clearly not getting anything from it, so stop telling him what to do - period.  He can't ignore you if you're not talking to him. 

Seriously, ODD kids have to be parented VERY differently than a regular child.  Most people, from the outside, believe it's about giving them everything they want, when in reality it isn't that way at all.  It's simply that they must be handled differently than other kids.  Restrictions have to be put into place in a different way and boundaries must be held in a different way.  It's also complete normal for them to go haywire when taken out of their normal environment. 


 

macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:57 AM

Why did Dad move to Missouri?  I am guessing its quite a ways from where ss lives?

mandeseig
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 9:58 AM

 I will admit I don't really understand it all that well and to an outsider it does kind of appear as if the child gets away with alot more than others would. His dad does basically handle him himself. With the exception of me having him help me clean up the house and him cleaning up after himself. We had a good talk last night and I know that there will be more fights and things that me and SS do not see eye to eye on. It will be a long road but this transition period will work better now that me and him have an understanding of each other. Thank you for your advice. It absolutely was appreciated more than you know.


Quoting faerie75:

My SO does not understand my ODD son. I mostly handle hi myself. SO and Ido occasionally argue over him.


 

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