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The advice the first time didn't work

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:39 PM
  • 50 Replies

So, Ive posted about this, and a few other things (besides the point), a few times.

I'm asking again about puberty and my SD.  She's going to be 9 soon, and is starting to have questions.  usually I ask her to talk to her mom about it first, but she will respond with "yeah, I did, she told me it was inappropriate" or something like that. 

Well, her and I were watching Monsters VS Aliens (the cartoon movie) and the part comes up about the guy having certain genes that the girl doesn't have.  and a character says (from the boys side of the family) "your kids are gonna have it!"

So, SD asks me how does the guys blood get into the baby, to make it half of each parent?  "I mean, my mom carried me, so that makes sense, but how does the dad make the baby?"

If course, I distracted her with "hmmm, thats a great question for your mom or dad", etc, and then talked to her dad about it, and let him know I'm getting uncomfortable with being asked these questions without the ok from him or her mom to talk about it with her.

He said he would talk to BM about it, and let her know that she's been asking me, the sm, about it for a while. 

MY fear is that she will feel/see me deflect it so many times that she won't trust me anymore, and will stop talking to me about it.

I honestly feel like she doesn't want to talk to her dad because he's a guy.  She and he have both told me this.  I feel like her mom has a very different outlook on this stuff (which i respect, but do not agree with, my mom was the same way hers is.  Its not bad, but at this age its difficult). 

So how do I respect both parents, and keep my SDs faith that I have her best interests in mind without creating an issue that she will stop trusting that she can talk to me about anything?

To add, I think that if I did "go behind moms back" and talk to her about it, it would cause more problems for SD, but there of course is no way to discuss THAT aspect of my reaction with her.

Any Ideas?

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:47 PM
It isn't your place to get involved in puberty discussions especially if bm feels sd isn't ready for those discussions.
Directing her to the appropriate to person with whom she needs to discuss these topics has zero affect on your trust with her.
Overstepping and talking to her about things her parents aren't ready to discuss with her, will negatively affect your relationship. On top of your relationship with her, it is likely bm will not take kindly to you overstepping on this delicate topic.
packermomof2
by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 11:51 PM
5 moms liked this

Tell your husband to man up and talk to his kid.  This is not a gender specific thing, this is a parent thing.  Will it be uncomfortable?  Probably.  But she'll learn that she can go to her dad for things and he'll learn that it isn't that bad talking to your daughter about sex.  It's a part of life that has to be done and if mom won't and dad won't, but dad ends up pawning it off on you because you have a vagina he's not doing any better than mom is.

stepmominhell
by Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:06 AM
Maybe have her go to dad to talk about it. The other thought is that you can let dad know if he's not comfortable doing it alone, if you would be comfortable being there with him that might be the answer? Some men aren't comfortable talking to their daughters because they don't know all the right things to say, just like mom's don't know all the right things to tell their son's about what's happening to their bodies.

My dh was uncomfortable talking to sd, and she was getting her information from her friends which wasn't always good either. BM was basically missing or uninvolved, so when she would ask me questions I would answer them the best way I could. SD was also 13 at the time, so a lot of changes were already happening.. I think grandma scared her, and talking to me made her feel more comfortable. DH was even uncomfortable shopping for any products she would need, so he was basically useless.
lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:09 AM

 I just see it in her face when I deflect a question she knows that I know the answer to, but I don't answer it. 

But this is good, gave me a good "duh" chuckle.

What if SD is not comfortable talking about it with dad or mom,  but is with me?  Then should it be ok for me to talk to her?  The point of all of my posts is to get a clear idea of what is an effective way of dealing with these situations.  Its something i've never dealt with before.

 

Quoting packermomof2:

Tell your husband to man up and talk to his kid.  This is not a gender specific thing, this is a parent thing.  Will it be uncomfortable?  Probably.  But she'll learn that she can go to her dad for things and he'll learn that it isn't that bad talking to your daughter about sex.  It's a part of life that has to be done and if mom won't and dad won't, but dad ends up pawning it off on you because you have a vagina he's not doing any better than mom is.

 

 

packermomof2
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:16 AM



Quoting lovemyfriend:

 I just see it in her face when I deflect a question she knows that I know the answer to, but I don't answer it. 

But this is good, gave me a good "duh" chuckle.

What if SD is not comfortable talking about it with dad or mom,  but is with me?  Then should it be ok for me to talk to her?  The point of all of my posts is to get a clear idea of what is an effective way of dealing with these situations.  Its something i've never dealt with before.


Kid should be taught that mom and dad are the go to people for these types of things.  You follow the parents lead, not a child's on most things, this being one of them. 
I don't want others teaching my kids about sex.  I don't even agree to the school doing it.  I do it my way and have since they began asking questions. 
If my kids had asked their SM I'd have expected, yes, expected  her to tell them that isn't her place to talk to them without talking to their mom/dad first. 
You may not agree, but I bet if mom finds out that you did this she will have a problem and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. 
"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:18 AM

How involved is BM? What is the custody situation like?

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:22 AM

DH and I had the sex talk/where babies come from talk with SD (BM is not involved and when DH tried to discuss it with BM, she ignored him) and then with DS.

I gotta tell you, it was the most uncomfortable conversation in my life. Especially when SD stopped, look at me, and said, "Oh. So, that's what you and dad did?" I was doing OK up until that point, LMAO. I don't know if DS made the same correlation in his mind, if he did, he didn't mention it.

Anyways, I agree. It's not gender specific. Moms don't have to talk to girls and dads don't have to talk to boys. PARENTS TALK TO KIDS.


Quoting packermomof2:

Tell your husband to man up and talk to his kid.  This is not a gender specific thing, this is a parent thing.  Will it be uncomfortable?  Probably.  But she'll learn that she can go to her dad for things and he'll learn that it isn't that bad talking to your daughter about sex.  It's a part of life that has to be done and if mom won't and dad won't, but dad ends up pawning it off on you because you have a vagina he's not doing any better than mom is.



packermomof2
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:22 AM



Quoting stepmominhell:

Maybe have her go to dad to talk about it. The other thought is that you can let dad know if he's not comfortable doing it alone, if you would be comfortable being there with him that might be the answer? Some men aren't comfortable talking to their daughters because they don't know all the right things to say, just like mom's don't know all the right things to tell their son's about what's happening to their bodies.
There seem to be more moms willing to talk to their sons than dads willing to talk to their daughters.  Parenting is a learn on the job sort of thing; we can't delegate the hard parts out without making it seem like we have no idea what we're doing to our kids. 

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:24 AM
No you should not. Her parents will handle it in the way they choose to handle it. You should not at all be involved.


Quoting lovemyfriend:

 I just see it in her face when I deflect a question she knows that I know the answer to, but I don't answer it. 


But this is good, gave me a good "duh" chuckle.


What if SD is not comfortable talking about it with dad or mom,  but is with me?  Then should it be ok for me to talk to her?  The point of all of my posts is to get a clear idea of what is an effective way of dealing with these situations.  Its something i've never dealt with before.


 


Quoting packermomof2:


Tell your husband to man up and talk to his kid.  This is not a gender specific thing, this is a parent thing.  Will it be uncomfortable?  Probably.  But she'll learn that she can go to her dad for things and he'll learn that it isn't that bad talking to your daughter about sex.  It's a part of life that has to be done and if mom won't and dad won't, but dad ends up pawning it off on you because you have a vagina he's not doing any better than mom is.


 


 


packermomof2
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 12:26 AM



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

DH and I had the sex talk/where babies come from talk with SD (BM is not involved and when DH tried to discuss it with BM, she ignored him) and then with DS.

I gotta tell you, it was the most uncomfortable conversation in my life. Especially when SD stopped, look at me, and said, "Oh. So, that's what you and dad did?" I was doing OK up until that point, LMAO. I don't know if DS made the same correlation in his mind, if he did, he didn't mention it.

Anyways, I agree. It's not gender specific. Moms don't have to talk to girls and dads don't have to talk to boys. PARENTS TALK TO KIDS.


My ex told me NOT to have the sex talk with our kids because kids are going to do what they want and they'll figure it out on their own. 
So I've talked to both my kids.  My daughter is VERY open with her questions... to the point she'll yell them down the hall and ask whichever adult is available at the time.  But she won't ask my ex any questions.  He isn't that involved and he doesn't even want me talking to them so... the kids don't bother.

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
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