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Who got it right? Mom, Dad or both?

Posted by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:57 PM
  • 27 Replies

Cousin spends the night with SD16 Sunday.  Monday, SD16 wanted to spend the night at cousin's, but only "mentioned" it to Dad.  No permission or consent ever took place; only the "mentioning."

Monday evening, Dad pulls up in cousin's driveway to drop her off. SD16 jumps out the car with her packed bag asking for money.  Dad scolds her for circumventing the whole "getting permission" aspect of things.  He lets her know that her lack of planning, or getting prior-permission does not phase him one bit.  She pouts and Dad tells her, in front of the cousin's mother "no, I'm not giving you any money." and that if there is any fun to be had, activities that require money, then SD16 is not allowed to participate because of the way she handled things.  The cousin's mother assured Dad that the girls were not going anywhere, no money was necessary.  Dad leaves.

SD calls her mother and asks if she could bring her some money.  Mom is confused, like "if your Dad just dropped you off, why didn't he give you any money?"  SD conveniently leaves out the whole I'm-in-trouble-bit, resulting in Mom feeling like Dad screwed up.  

So she calls me (why not Dad, I haven't a clue).  I explain to her that I have no idea what she's talking about; I hadn't seen them since the morning etc.  She goes "why would he just leave her over there without any money?"  So I get to the bottom of it in like 5 minutes.  I heard Dad's story, SD's story and got Mom back on the phone.  The 3 of them hash it out, but I manage to keep them focused on the real culprit here:  the daughter.  No one way to handle the situation is better than the other, but what NEEDS to be dealt with is SD16's behavior.  Once Dad made a decision and pulled off, she had no business calling her Mom.  She did it because she knew the reaction and she was mad at Dad.  So, in her mind, she was "getting Dad in trouble." 

BM just called me with an update.  I'm happy to say that everybody is on the same page now.  SD is grounded for manipulation and has been picked up from the cousins and is presently at work with Dad (she loathes being at work with Dad).   

Who got it right?  Dad for letting her stay, but without any spending money?  Or Mom, who said that she wouldn't have let her stay without any money, ESPECIALLY after being sneaky & manipulative?  IMO, both ways are correct.  Dads are just different from us mothers.  DH felt as though his method was effective enough, especially since the cousin's mother assured him that there were no real plans involving money (that the girls would just be in the house all day).  He felt offended because Mom attacked him instead of trusting that as her Dad, he wouldn't have left her in deplorable conditions; she was with FAMILY.  However, most moms would probably side with BM here.   What say you?


by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 1:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
2 moms liked this

 Nope...  Kid who tries to manipulate shouldn't have been let to stay period. 

 

LoveMy2x4
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I wouldnt have let her stay either, but I wouldnt have gone against Dads punishment.

bonitalilmama
by on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:13 PM

She wouldn't have gone PERIOD!

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:20 PM
Like the other ladies, I wouldn't have let her go either. :/
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:22 PM
In an intact family we used to do this sometimes;p. if mom didn't give us money,we'd ask daddy. It seemed more "innocent" though then this stitch bc dd is getting dad in trouble. ...


Um.... I think it's not that bad. We all did it. But in divorced situations everything's a bit more "sensitive

I think bm shouldnt have been All "how could dad leave you without money crap" and I think dad needs to know that sometimes teens will do the whole but I asked mom stuff.

My dh has let loose a bit more on this. It's been hard on him but shit!... How much do u want a skid to remember?!?! Clothes back and forth,asking bm or dad for $ or permission,ect..

Let them be kids. Bm over reacted. I wouldn't have grounded my dd. dad overreacted. (I hardly say this but omg! She's a teen. My nieces do this all the time)
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Mommy4000
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:25 PM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't have let her stay at all, with or without money, but that's just me and I don't think that either parent is wrong or right. They both would have handled it differently, but both ways would have been effective, which in the end, is really the only thing that should matter. Either way, the girl would have learned her lesson about how to approach the situation better next time.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:25 PM

Wait a minute - where did "deplorable conditions" come in?  Forgetting that for a minute...

Dad dealt with the issue of not officially getting permission in a very passive way.  If she was really supposed to formally ask for permission instead of just stating she was going over, dad should not have let her stay.  Not giving her money was sort of a half assed consequence. At the point of drop-off, that was the only thing SD did wrong. Dad is not being parental enough, SD got away with not doing what she was supposed to do.  She will do it again because why not?

SD then amped up the bad behavior and tried to play mom.

Sounds like mom jumped on the BF sucks bandwagon but quickly jumped off once she heard the whole story.   Sounds like mom was played by SD so her going over and getting her daughter was completely appropriate.  She didn't punish her for not asking dad's specific permission, sounds like she punished her for not telling her the whole story and manipulating mom.

SD screwed up at least twice.  personally, I would not have let her stay in the first place by dad and I would have done exactly what BM did and once I realized my DD was manipulating a situation, that girl would be coming home.

If you have a defiant teen, they will find loopholes to everything.  Associating mentioning and asking are a classic.  If I am not on the ball and state very clearly that by not objecting to her mentioning she will spend the night somewhere does not equate with me granting permission, DDs will just run with their belief that I gave passive consent.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:26 PM

I don't think she should've been allowed to go, personally--but I realize that's not the question.

I think that if Dad chose not to give her money with the caveat that if there was something money wise she had to sit it out, that he was within his rights.  But IMHO, he just reinforced to the kiddo that she can do whatever she wants at Dad's with minimal impact.  She won't BE sitting out any activity.

On the other hand, I think that Mom has a point--why not give the kid money if you're going to let them spend the night and do activities.  Where I think Mom may have made an error was in not considering the possiblity that she was being manipulated by her teenaged daughter--something that happens even in intact families.


Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:27 PM
Makes me think of my yss13(as always,lol). He brought an iron the other day. Bm told dh why doesn't dh have these things ready. Dh just laughed bc bm shouldn't be so dumb and think we don't have an iron.

She shouldn't believe everything her son says. He says "we never have food(meaning he doesn't like it),there's no iron,no pillow,ect.

Now,this I get tired of bc it's all the time. But who cares what bm thinks?! She the dummy that believes it.

Bm shouldn't have called her ex. Dd should just be told she needs to not do that if possible bc it causes drama. I see no reason to ground dd unless it was really to get "dad in trouble" even so... Don't listen to what bm says. Be like, "whatever".
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pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 18, 2013 at 2:29 PM

Sorry, intact family or divorced, my kids have known from a very young age that you don't get to run to the other parent to get something a parent just said no to.  It is just not OK in my world.

Think strategically and go to the parent you think will say yes is what I taught them.

So you think because the kids are COD Dad should let stuff slide so kids will remember him in a good way.  That would be classic disney parenting.

This behavior does not fly in my home.  But good for your nieces!  They are learning a very good lesson that parental manipulation is effective.


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

In an intact family we used to do this sometimes;p. if mom didn't give us money,we'd ask daddy. It seemed more "innocent" though then this stitch bc dd is getting dad in trouble. ...


Um.... I think it's not that bad. We all did it. But in divorced situations everything's a bit more "sensitive

I think bm shouldnt have been All "how could dad leave you without money crap" and I think dad needs to know that sometimes teens will do the whole but I asked mom stuff.

My dh has let loose a bit more on this. It's been hard on him but shit!... How much do u want a skid to remember?!?! Clothes back and forth,asking bm or dad for $ or permission,ect..

Let them be kids. Bm over reacted. I wouldn't have grounded my dd. dad overreacted. (I hardly say this but omg! She's a teen. My nieces do this all the time)



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