Cousin spends the night with SD16 Sunday. Monday, SD16 wanted to spend the night at cousin's, but only "mentioned" it to Dad. No permission or consent ever took place; only the "mentioning."
Monday evening, Dad pulls up in cousin's driveway to drop her off. SD16 jumps out the car with her packed bag asking for money. Dad scolds her for circumventing the whole "getting permission" aspect of things. He lets her know that her lack of planning, or getting prior-permission does not phase him one bit. She pouts and Dad tells her, in front of the cousin's mother "no, I'm not giving you any money." and that if there is any fun to be had, activities that require money, then SD16 is not allowed to participate because of the way she handled things. The cousin's mother assured Dad that the girls were not going anywhere, no money was necessary. Dad leaves.
SD calls her mother and asks if she could bring her some money. Mom is confused, like "if your Dad just dropped you off, why didn't he give you any money?" SD conveniently leaves out the whole I'm-in-trouble-bit, resulting in Mom feeling like Dad screwed up.
So she calls me (why not Dad, I haven't a clue). I explain to her that I have no idea what she's talking about; I hadn't seen them since the morning etc. She goes "why would he just leave her over there without any money?" So I get to the bottom of it in like 5 minutes. I heard Dad's story, SD's story and got Mom back on the phone. The 3 of them hash it out, but I manage to keep them focused on the real culprit here: the daughter. No one way to handle the situation is better than the other, but what NEEDS to be dealt with is SD16's behavior. Once Dad made a decision and pulled off, she had no business calling her Mom. She did it because she knew the reaction and she was mad at Dad. So, in her mind, she was "getting Dad in trouble."
BM just called me with an update. I'm happy to say that everybody is on the same page now. SD is grounded for manipulation and has been picked up from the cousins and is presently at work with Dad (she loathes being at work with Dad).
Who got it right? Dad for letting her stay, but without any spending
money? Or Mom, who said that she wouldn't have let her stay without any
money, ESPECIALLY after being sneaky & manipulative? IMO, both
ways are correct. Dads are just different from us mothers. DH felt as
though his method was effective enough, especially since the cousin's
mother assured him that there were no real plans involving money (that
the girls would just be in the house all day). He felt offended because
Mom attacked him instead of trusting that as her Dad, he wouldn't have
left her in deplorable conditions; she was with FAMILY. However, most
moms would probably side with BM here. What say you?