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Are they Dead Beat Dads or Dads just sick of BM drama?

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Ok my question is do you think that all the dead beat dads out there are really dead beats or they got sick of all the baby mama drama and stop seeing their kids. 

I mean don't get me wrong I know plenty of friends where their kids BD haven't seen then since they were a few weeks old and now the kids like 12.  Heck some of my friends BD they haven't seen in 20-30 yrs.  So I understand that some dads are just dead beats. 

But then my question is I read all these horror stories with all these BM and there are some BM on here that are like my BD is a POS and bla bla bla.  And I wonder if the BD just got sick and tired of dealing with BM and all her shit.  And BD just said enough was enough and couldn't take all the BM drama.  I mean cuz some BM are bitter and mean.  And some BM keep the kids from BD so that BD can't see them unless he jumps through all these hoops and sometimes there is no hoops BM is just being a bitch and says nope you can't see my kids.  So then the kids think BD is a dead beat when he really isn't that it is BM being a bitch.  I am not tiring to stir the pot or anything I was just thinking about this and wondered about all this.  What are your thought or opinions on this. 

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:39 AM
Replies (11-20):
tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 7:22 AM
1 mom liked this

 How shitty... I hate when they use kids as pawns for their own hatred and insecurity issues.  The damage they do to these kids are awful.   I have lived through it most my kids are adults if I could give any valid advice to anyone is to let both parents be involved.  If you want to bad mouth your ex or have negative things to say find a adult friend to vent to not the child.    This does not apply to the situations where the other parent is abusive, criminals, sick etc.  I am talking about fathers who want to be fathers .. people will regret it years later from trying to sabatoge their relationships with their kids.     To me that is mental abuse to these kids.


Quoting ....ClvrScn.:

My dh nearly gave up last year. Mil got a bug up her ass because dh refused to give her half of his parenting time so she contacted bm with lies of abuse and what not. Charges were pressed and dismissed but the time we went without sd ruined the relationship. A year later we are still rebuilding. Sd would scream and cry and refuse to come over. She told her mom I beat her with a belt after prompting by mil. Everyone sd included ws just miserable. Bm would yell at her for wanting to come over etc. It was awful. Dh stepped back for a few weeks and then bm called crying because mil lost interest in her and sd apologizing etc. But like I said the damage was done. We are still trying to rebuild his relationship with sd and now bm is moving 3 hours away :(


 

smarterthanyou
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:10 AM

 that was my dad's excuse for walking out on me and my brother's. do i believe him? idk

imo-there shouldn't be anything to drive a parent away from the kids, they should uphold a lifestyle appropriate for being around the kids

....ClvrScn.
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:34 AM


It's extremely upsetting. I think I'm more upset by it, than my husband is. He is her dad, he has a guaranteed bond with her, even if the relationship is damaged, he will always be her dad.

I had a wonderful, fabulous, I would dare say perfect relationship with my step daughter ***AND*** her mom, before my mother in law got involved and ruined everything. Now BM and I don't even make eye contact, SD won't even hug me. It's been a rough year.

Between MIL and BM preventing visits, and DH saw his mom alientate her step kids from their mother, so he knew what BM was doing to SD and we couldn't stop it. And then BM's break up with her boyfriend a few months ago, where she took her anger and frustration out on DH, to BM demanding that I get an abortion, to MIL trying to weasel her way back into our lives, and now BM insisting that we are neglecting SD because we don't feed her red dye - it's alot to handle. I have stepped WAY back from the drama and the issues. DH has even disengaged from him own child. It's sad, but the relationship is so far beyond damaged.

Now that BM is moving, we don't know when or if we will ever get that relationship back with SD. We will have her every weekend until the end of July and then only once a month. The baby will be born, DS is starting kindergarten, I'm up for another promotion at work, sd will get right into gymnastics and cheer, she's starting kindergarten, BM and her new boyfriend are blending families, so that's gonna be rough on SD..  life just gets busy and I'm terrified that SD is going to fall through the cracks in all of this. First it will be visits every 4 weeks, then every 6 weeks, then every 2 months, then what 3 times a year? I can almost see it happening now.

Quoting tiredmama42:

 How shitty... I hate when they use kids as pawns for their own hatred and insecurity issues.  The damage they do to these kids are awful.   I have lived through it most my kids are adults if I could give any valid advice to anyone is to let both parents be involved.  If you want to bad mouth your ex or have negative things to say find a adult friend to vent to not the child.    This does not apply to the situations where the other parent is abusive, criminals, sick etc.  I am talking about fathers who want to be fathers .. people will regret it years later from trying to sabatoge their relationships with their kids.     To me that is mental abuse to these kids.


Quoting ....ClvrScn.:

My dh nearly gave up last year. Mil got a bug up her ass because dh refused to give her half of his parenting time so she contacted bm with lies of abuse and what not. Charges were pressed and dismissed but the time we went without sd ruined the relationship. A year later we are still rebuilding. Sd would scream and cry and refuse to come over. She told her mom I beat her with a belt after prompting by mil. Everyone sd included ws just miserable. Bm would yell at her for wanting to come over etc. It was awful. Dh stepped back for a few weeks and then bm called crying because mil lost interest in her and sd apologizing etc. But like I said the damage was done. We are still trying to rebuild his relationship with sd and now bm is moving 3 hours away :(





Leigh84
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:05 AM
1 mom liked this
I don't care how awful the other parent is it would not stop me from seeing my child
Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:07 AM

 I personally only know two deadbeat dads and one that's just a jerk. All other dads I know that are not with their kids' mothers are decent dads that are in the picture on a regular basis. I actually don't know any that aren't in their kids' lives for any reason.

macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:14 AM

If bm is that horrible and bd abandons that kids, that makes him the worst kind of deadbeat!

macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:17 AM

 How is the realtionship now?


Quoting scraphappy12:

My husband stopped seeing his daughter for awhile. Her mom was impossible for YEARS and sd was I think 7th or 8th grade (it's been awhile now) he told her she could call or come over anytime and his door was always open and then he stopped the back and forth bull shit. Of course child support was always paid but my sd was miserable with the back and forth and her moms crap. It was better for all involved.


 

SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:30 AM

I can understand a father giving up the fight when he sees that it is doing more harm than good for everyone involved.

My BF was a dead beat. Had nothing to do with me after he and my mom divorced when I was 8 months old. Mom sued him for CS right before I turned 18 because I felt I deserved the money.

ODD7s BF was a dead beat. Had nothing to do with her from the day after she was born. Never paid CS and then signed his rights away last December and DH adopted ODD in February.

tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:31 AM

 Its hard to stand by and see your DH hurt and knowing the truth.  We really do believe honesty and "doing the right thing gets you shit on".       SD (17) now was DH's angel.. did everything for her that she asked.  She moved in with us after fighting for custody at 16.  BM didnt have visitation by choice.  BM was invited to parties at our house I bent over backwards to make her feel comfortable in our home too.  SD lied said she was going for visitation with BM for the weekend and DH found out she was at a boys house.  (broke up with a boy by our home in the am and was sleeping with another the same day) He drove 2 hours to get her and BM  went and got her first saying they had dinner plans.    DH drove home ..wasted trip.  SD went back to live with BM so she could have over night with boys. OSD even gets kicked out of her room so SD17 and her bf can have sex in her room with the BM sitting there.   Its sick.  But DH got thrown under the bus for trying to do what normal parents do.   We have not spoken to SD 17 since Feb15th.     He says out of hurt mostly "shes dead to me" .. but that was his baby. 


Quoting ....ClvrScn.:

 

It's extremely upsetting. I think I'm more upset by it, than my husband is. He is her dad, he has a guaranteed bond with her, even if the relationship is damaged, he will always be her dad.

I had a wonderful, fabulous, I would dare say perfect relationship with my step daughter ***AND*** her mom, before my mother in law got involved and ruined everything. Now BM and I don't even make eye contact, SD won't even hug me. It's been a rough year.

Between MIL and BM preventing visits, and DH saw his mom alientate her step kids from their mother, so he knew what BM was doing to SD and we couldn't stop it. And then BM's break up with her boyfriend a few months ago, where she took her anger and frustration out on DH, to BM demanding that I get an abortion, to MIL trying to weasel her way back into our lives, and now BM insisting that we are neglecting SD because we don't feed her red dye - it's alot to handle. I have stepped WAY back from the drama and the issues. DH has even disengaged from him own child. It's sad, but the relationship is so far beyond damaged.

Now that BM is moving, we don't know when or if we will ever get that relationship back with SD. We will have her every weekend until the end of July and then only once a month. The baby will be born, DS is starting kindergarten, I'm up for another promotion at work, sd will get right into gymnastics and cheer, she's starting kindergarten, BM and her new boyfriend are blending families, so that's gonna be rough on SD..  life just gets busy and I'm terrified that SD is going to fall through the cracks in all of this. First it will be visits every 4 weeks, then every 6 weeks, then every 2 months, then what 3 times a year? I can almost see it happening now.

Quoting tiredmama42:

 How shitty... I hate when they use kids as pawns for their own hatred and insecurity issues.  The damage they do to these kids are awful.   I have lived through it most my kids are adults if I could give any valid advice to anyone is to let both parents be involved.  If you want to bad mouth your ex or have negative things to say find a adult friend to vent to not the child.    This does not apply to the situations where the other parent is abusive, criminals, sick etc.  I am talking about fathers who want to be fathers .. people will regret it years later from trying to sabatoge their relationships with their kids.     To me that is mental abuse to these kids.

 

Quoting ....ClvrScn.:

My dh nearly gave up last year. Mil got a bug up her ass because dh refused to give her half of his parenting time so she contacted bm with lies of abuse and what not. Charges were pressed and dismissed but the time we went without sd ruined the relationship. A year later we are still rebuilding. Sd would scream and cry and refuse to come over. She told her mom I beat her with a belt after prompting by mil. Everyone sd included ws just miserable. Bm would yell at her for wanting to come over etc. It was awful. Dh stepped back for a few weeks and then bm called crying because mil lost interest in her and sd apologizing etc. But like I said the damage was done. We are still trying to rebuild his relationship with sd and now bm is moving 3 hours away :(

 

 

 

 


 

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:01 AM
I think it does happen, when bm is such a miserable bitch that she sucks the life out of everything.

There's a poster here who is like that. He ex sounds pretty crappy, but she is also a nagging, vindictive, spiteful brat who looks for every opportunity to stick it to dad any way she can. And gloats and revels in the damaged relationship between dd and his kids. She deletes half her posts because she gets called out for her shit and can't handle it but then she posts more bullshit.
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