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Are they Dead Beat Dads or Dads just sick of BM drama?

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Ok my question is do you think that all the dead beat dads out there are really dead beats or they got sick of all the baby mama drama and stop seeing their kids. 

I mean don't get me wrong I know plenty of friends where their kids BD haven't seen then since they were a few weeks old and now the kids like 12.  Heck some of my friends BD they haven't seen in 20-30 yrs.  So I understand that some dads are just dead beats. 

But then my question is I read all these horror stories with all these BM and there are some BM on here that are like my BD is a POS and bla bla bla.  And I wonder if the BD just got sick and tired of dealing with BM and all her shit.  And BD just said enough was enough and couldn't take all the BM drama.  I mean cuz some BM are bitter and mean.  And some BM keep the kids from BD so that BD can't see them unless he jumps through all these hoops and sometimes there is no hoops BM is just being a bitch and says nope you can't see my kids.  So then the kids think BD is a dead beat when he really isn't that it is BM being a bitch.  I am not tiring to stir the pot or anything I was just thinking about this and wondered about all this.  What are your thought or opinions on this. 

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:39 AM
Replies (21-30):
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 11:32 AM

 There is nothing anyone could ever do that would drive me away from my child.  Trying to EVER blame Dad not being around on BM being difficult is a cop out.  You're a parent, you KEEP TRYING. 

by Gold Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 11:46 AM

I would say anyone that walks away simply because of BM drama probably is a deadbeat.  The cases I've heard of on here in which the BD backed away had to do with extreme parental alienation and kid drama due to their role in the never ending emotional tug-of-war.  Dad's efforts to stay involved were simply causing so much turmoil with the kids, damage in his marriage, negatively impacting his other children, etc., that he had to choose.  I don't consider that being a deadbeat.  I think life sometimes hands out some very tough choices, and sometimes it's better to pay CS and take a quiet backseat to stop the cycle of emotional and psychological abuse than to continue fighting and playing into the hand of someone who needs to "win" at any cost.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 11:59 AM
1 mom liked this

 "It's doing more harm than good" is a cop out. 

A kid deserves to know that their parent loves them enough to fight for them. 

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:01 PM
3 moms liked this

I haven't had to deal with a horrific ex who thrives on making my life miserable. I think it's easy to say you (general you)  wouldn't walk away when you haven't dealt with the amount of stress and bullshit some deal's not my place to judge.

I personally would be ashamed as a person if my behavior ever drove my ex away.

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:13 PM

My father used that excuse when he showed up in my life after I was an adult and had my first child.  He didn't know I saw the letters he wrote talking about killing my family, kidnapping my sister and I, insulting everyone from my mother to my aunts and uncle.  Not that my mother showed them to us, I found them and my sister and I read them as teenagers. 

Now, I understand my mother played a big role in how the marriage ended and wasn't a perfect angel, but there was a divorce decree that stated his visitation (I have it) and instead of taking visitation he moved away.  It was on him.

I'm sure my ex feels it is m fault that he isn't around all that much.  I can live with him blaming me, though. I've lived with him blaming me for a lot of things that had nothing to do with me: his first gf breaking it off and going back to her husband, our children not "minding' his SK's, our kids misbehaving with him when they were younger, our youngest learning  a new word at school and trying it out on his father... I'm pretty sure he'd blame me for the state of the country if he could find a way to justify it. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect either. I've made my share of mistakes, I'm not above reproach in everything. But I do not keep him from our kids.  He knows where they live, where they go to school, that they play sports, their phone number.  He could call, he could visit, he could see them at school or go to an event they are in or to one of their games.  He opts not to.

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:16 PM

I think it depends on the situation. 

For example, my DH left his DD's BM when DD was just seven months old because he couldn't take BM's drama and abuse anymore.  He had full intentions to stay in touch for DD's sake and to remain an active part in her life.  After he left and BM found out that my DH was seeing someone else (that someone else being me), she refused all contact between DD and my DH.  He even offered to take her for lunch, take her shopping, etc and pay her way plus give her $80 in gas money (you only need $5 to get from her house to ours) and she still refused.  She said that they only way she'd allow contact with them again is if he went back to her.  It was a month before her third birthday that he got to see DD again and that was only because of a court date.  Three months after that, he got the ball rolling for custody.  He now has primary custody.

On the surface, it seems like he was being a dead beat but he really wasn't.  With that in mind, I say it's hard to judge that situation until you know the whole story. 

by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:34 PM

I never would have thought this to be true but I do see how one parent can block all interaction and it really affect the NCP whole entire life and even drain him of finances and some dads might think hopefully when the kid grows up,they will get to know me on their own terms.

Quoting HopesNDreams:

There are situations where it can be nearly impossible for dad to maintain regular contact. Long distance situations in particular make it easy for CPs to play games if they are trying to keep the NCP out of the child's life. Phone calls can get 'missed' every week, with CP claiming NCP never called. Letters and packages 'never arrived' and CP can claim that NCP forgot the child's birthday and sent nothing. This is especially true when the children are young and CPs are in control of their whole life.

When DH was NCP and his daughter was little, CP and family would sing to SD and turn the TV to her favorite shows when she was on the phone with DH. The distractions made making a connection nearly impossible. Gifts that were sent 'never arrived', no one would answer the phone the day before, day of, or day after SD's birthday, so they'd tell her he 'forgot'. When gifts did go home with her, they would be broken or sold. SD was also told that DH abused BM and threatened to kill both BM and SD - this was the as in why she took SD while DH was at work and moved seven states away.

When every bit of contact is interfered with or blocked, after a while, I can understand why some patents back off a bit. When the constant games interfere with life, jobs, other children, a new marriage, and the relationship with that child, at some point something has to change. I think many NCPs in this position hope that things will change when the child is 18 and not under the control of the CP.

Do I think it is right? No, but I understand how it could happen.
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by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:40 PM
Dh gave up argueing and dealing with BM last year. He pays child support regularly so he is definitely not a deadbeat. Bm wanted to exclude him from parenting decisions from the beginning....he just finally gave up trying. Figures it is better for sd. I would be crushed to know my kidsmissed out on their time with dad because I was unreasonable and controlling....but I value DH's role in parenting more than BM did.
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by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:43 PM
What if dad just pays cs and sees the kid when the kid wants? Lets at sends cards and does provide for their needs but doesn't see them much? (Bc the CP makes it difficult beyond belief)

Is it still a deadbeat? I've seen one person I know do this
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by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:45 PM
I think it's certainly possible and I don't it automatically makes him a deadbeat. My BF is a,deadbeat never paid any CS always knew where I was how to contact me and never then called me after 15 years blaming my Mom Pfft THAT'S a deadbeat. I do think some men can only put up with so much and try try try to point where all they can do is leave it to the BK once their old enough to understand. I watched my own brother deal with a psychotic BM who was so damn crazy,evil that our entire family backed away sucks for my niece (who turned out to be quite,the piece of work herself.....) But she refused to be civil so I really do think it's situational.......just my opinion tho
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