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Are they Dead Beat Dads or Dads just sick of BM drama?

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Ok my question is do you think that all the dead beat dads out there are really dead beats or they got sick of all the baby mama drama and stop seeing their kids. 

I mean don't get me wrong I know plenty of friends where their kids BD haven't seen then since they were a few weeks old and now the kids like 12.  Heck some of my friends BD they haven't seen in 20-30 yrs.  So I understand that some dads are just dead beats. 

But then my question is I read all these horror stories with all these BM and there are some BM on here that are like my BD is a POS and bla bla bla.  And I wonder if the BD just got sick and tired of dealing with BM and all her shit.  And BD just said enough was enough and couldn't take all the BM drama.  I mean cuz some BM are bitter and mean.  And some BM keep the kids from BD so that BD can't see them unless he jumps through all these hoops and sometimes there is no hoops BM is just being a bitch and says nope you can't see my kids.  So then the kids think BD is a dead beat when he really isn't that it is BM being a bitch.  I am not tiring to stir the pot or anything I was just thinking about this and wondered about all this.  What are your thought or opinions on this. 

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:39 AM
Replies (31-40):
KLBrown
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I tried for about 4 or 5 years to maintain XH's relationship with our daughters. He quit calling (except to harass ME), hasn't visited in 4 1/2 years, and has never paid support. He's been busy bouncing around the country doing drugs (arrest records are available online). So yes, he's a deadbeat.

At the same time, I know men who have tried all they could, but were dealing w/ a bitch of  a BM.

Goes both ways.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 12:57 PM
2 moms liked this
I am so sick of the drama from my ex. But nothing could keep me from my child. Not all the drama in the world.
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amylulu1
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:04 PM

My humble opinion is this...it shouldn't matter whether the BM is a bitch or not, that is HIS child.  If he cared about and wanted a relationship with HIS child, a mean BM with drama shouldn't be enough to keep him from that.  In the words of The Color Purple: "Only death will keep me from it".  If he allows another person's personality or issues keep him from his child he is a (say it with me) DEAD BEAT!

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:13 PM



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I don't care HOW horrible BM is, a man that leaves his kids for any reason is a dead beat.

Your children are more important than anything else. There's NEVER a reason to leave your kid, EVER. 


Preach on, Tinker.  All of what she said.  

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:22 PM

 BM tried this with DH. She tries SO hard to get him to just walk away. It wasn't about SD, it was about BM being all pissy that DH didn't leave me for her when she asked for a second chance. Seriously, BM's ex-husband and ex-boyfriend both came to DH and told him all about the crap BM would pull and do to SD. But, neither man had the balls to stand up to her because she had too much dirt on them.

Every time BM threw more crap at SD and DH, DH ignored it and focused on his daughter. SD spent about 9 years of dealing with a BM who tried to manipulate her, who emotionally and psychologically abused her. And do you know what the consequences of those actions were? SD and I are super close, SD and DH are super close. SD and BM? They rarely speak. SD makes NO effort to contact BM outside of whenever BM choses to have some type of visitation with SD.

It all completely backfired on BM. 


Quoting WifeyC:



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I don't care HOW horrible BM is, a man that leaves his kids for any reason is a dead beat.

Your children are more important than anything else. There's NEVER a reason to leave your kid, EVER. 


Preach on, Tinker.  All of what she said.  



kmur
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 2:06 PM

 i usually would agree with what you said here....but what if the bd did fight because ss "said " so much bs about bm, then bd won, got custody(bm has eowe) and for the last year ss has made everyones life in our home  a living HELL....noone is happy when he is here, but thats what he wants. How do i know thats what he wants? well, because he said so, he says on a daily basis, he wants to live with bm again. Bd feels that if he sends him back that he is giving up on his son but what about bd? Bd's health has gotten worse, so has mine(but im a nobody so its more about bd and ss) he is constantly upset, having to defend himself , me and my kids because his son lies, manipulates etc....so would he be a deadbeat because he gives ss back to bm? hes done everything to help his son(many therapist, 3month behavior program, sitting n talkn to him, awards, consequences....) as of now he told bm ss is going back with her, so as of now, sunday night ss leaves, but SO feels like crap on one end but yet knows how and what his son is doing and will do to get his way( btw, the most recent nasty thing ss did was, he had been sick, he had diareah(sp?) SO had punished ss to stand in the corner, ss puts his hands in his pants in the butt side and starts playn around in his pants to where he rubs poop ups his back to around his side and thinks nothing of it...HES 13 ....)

Quoting DDDaysh:

 "It's doing more harm than good" is a cop out. 

A kid deserves to know that their parent loves them enough to fight for them. 

 

DDDaysh
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 2:43 PM
There is a difference between fighting to be in your child's life and fighting to take custody. As for going back to BM - that depends on what is actually best for SS. If he believes his child will be in danger there, then no, he should keep stepping up his parenting and figure out how to make it work to have SS in his home. A year is simply not enough time to have done "everything".
Quoting kmur:

 i usually would agree with what you said here....but what if the bd did fight because ss "said " so much bs about bm, then bd won, got custody(bm has eowe) and for the last year ss has made everyones life in our home  a living HELL....noone is happy when he is here, but thats what he wants. How do i know thats what he wants? well, because he said so, he says on a daily basis, he wants to live with bm again. Bd feels that if he sends him back that he is giving up on his son but what about bd? Bd's health has gotten worse, so has mine(but im a nobody so its more about bd and ss) he is constantly upset, having to defend himself , me and my kids because his son lies, manipulates etc....so would he be a deadbeat because he gives ss back to bm? hes done everything to help his son(many therapist, 3month behavior program, sitting n talkn to him, awards, consequences....) as of now he told bm ss is going back with her, so as of now, sunday night ss leaves, but SO feels like crap on one end but yet knows how and what his son is doing and will do to get his way( btw, the most recent nasty thing ss did was, he had been sick, he had diareah(sp?) SO had punished ss to stand in the corner, ss puts his hands in his pants in the butt side and starts playn around in his pants to where he rubs poop ups his back to around his side and thinks nothing of it...HES 13 ....)

Quoting DDDaysh:

 "It's doing more harm than good" is a cop out. 

A kid deserves to know that their parent loves them enough to fight for them. 

 

wyomom4
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I lost 20 years of knowing my dad, and he missed out on the first 9 years of my daughters life. My mom refused to allow us to go visit him, put him down and insulted him to us. Told me he never wanted me, only my older sister. Would tell him we weren't home when he called (we were), always put us off if we wanted to call him. Took our gifts from him and his parents and told us they never sent anything. etc...

After a few years of this, he quit trying to see or talk to us, just sent the child support. So yeah, it can happen. And in that situation I don't think he was a deadbeat at all. You can only take so much pain and rejection.

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Ex is a deadbeat.  I have created zero drama with him.  He recently dragged me to court for the 11th time in 4 years.  He wants to do as little as possible and still be as Father of the Year - mainly because he is a narcissist.  He lost btw on his bid for unsupervised parenting time and 50/50 custody - and it was his own words that did it....again....

Doodle39
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:34 PM

I don't think a parent has the choice to opt out of the drama. Children need their parents. Parents choose who to procreate with. Regardless of the drama, in the typical situation,  it's their responsibility to be a parent. 

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