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Are they Dead Beat Dads or Dads just sick of BM drama?

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Ok my question is do you think that all the dead beat dads out there are really dead beats or they got sick of all the baby mama drama and stop seeing their kids. 

I mean don't get me wrong I know plenty of friends where their kids BD haven't seen then since they were a few weeks old and now the kids like 12.  Heck some of my friends BD they haven't seen in 20-30 yrs.  So I understand that some dads are just dead beats. 

But then my question is I read all these horror stories with all these BM and there are some BM on here that are like my BD is a POS and bla bla bla.  And I wonder if the BD just got sick and tired of dealing with BM and all her shit.  And BD just said enough was enough and couldn't take all the BM drama.  I mean cuz some BM are bitter and mean.  And some BM keep the kids from BD so that BD can't see them unless he jumps through all these hoops and sometimes there is no hoops BM is just being a bitch and says nope you can't see my kids.  So then the kids think BD is a dead beat when he really isn't that it is BM being a bitch.  I am not tiring to stir the pot or anything I was just thinking about this and wondered about all this.  What are your thought or opinions on this. 

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 1:39 AM
Replies (41-50):
shoot4thestars
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:27 PM
2 moms liked this

I was friend's with a guy who's child mother moved far away with the kids.  He tried so hard to keep in contact with his kids and she would lie to authorties of why she wouldn't let him see his kids.  He would ask his kids on the rare chance he got to actually talk to them on the phone, how they liked their gifts he sent, and the kids had no idea what he was talking about.  When the kids got older, they got in contact with their dad.  They went to visit them, and whent they got there, there was a roomful of gifts because once he realized they weren't getting them, he would still buy for birthdays, Christmas, and just because and they were all the age appropiate gifts at that time, he saved them for the hopes of one day they would actually get them and they could share that moment.  They never talked to their mom again, atleast that I've known since I last talked to him, once they got to visit their dad on their own and they figured out what really was going on.

He never gave up on his kids, but I'm sure he was percieved as a deadbeat Dad.  Most peope don't get both sides of the story and believe parents when they say the other is deadbeat parent, when they're actually putting their hearts on the line and getting it broken everytime for years and years.

mouthyhousewife
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:53 PM
I think there are a TON of cases where the man gets so frustrated with the drama from the BM that he gives up.

But that doesn't make him any less of a dead beat. It's hard, I know. BM in my sitch is very dramatic. And DH has often wondered out loud whether its worth it. But it is. He hates it. But he always presses thru no matter how stupid her shit gets. Because that is his son. He wants him in his life just as much as SS needs DH.
evilstepmomof4
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:59 PM

BM and BD don't need to be near each other or speak to each other for ANY reason other than that of the child. So if "missing" parent chooses to go "missing"  They will have to deal with the child(s) questioing later in lift. Visitation drop offs can be established thru friends and family and excuses are stupid.  If primary parent can't share the kid then call child services.  

orcawhales98
by Member on Jun. 21, 2013 at 12:47 AM


I am so sorry your DH is going throught this.  I know what it is like.  My exh PAS my DS and I am suppose to have visitation with him but it got to be such a fight to get him to come over and then when he did come over he would disrespect me not follow any of my rules and agure and fight with me nonstop.  It got to the point that I wasn't able to spend hardly any time with my DD because I was fighting with DS so much.  So I finally said enough is enough and I told my exh that I wasn't going to fight DS anymore if he wants to come over than he can come over.  I ask DS if he wants to come over all the time and everytime he says no.  I try to talk to him on the phone and he says I don't want to talk to you and hangs up.  DS hasn't been to my house in over 6 months.  I did have lunch with him a couple a weeks ago and it was buy me this and buy me that and I am being so nice by coming here.  It was exh idea that we have lunch and forced DS to go with me for an hour.  It was horrible and I feel bad about saying that.  It breaks my heart on the person my DS has turned into and people might think I am a deadbeat mom but none of my friends or family knows what it is like that have their son hate them the way my son hates me.  One of my friends got on me because I said something how my son didn't spend Christmas with me and I kinda went off on her because she has no idea what I am going through.  Honestly I don't talk to her much any more.  I need people around me that are going to support me and support my decisions when it comes to my kids.  Good luck with your SS I hope things get better soon.  

Quoting kmur:

 i usually would agree with what you said here....but what if the bd did fight because ss "said " so much bs about bm, then bd won, got custody(bm has eowe) and for the last year ss has made everyones life in our home  a living HELL....noone is happy when he is here, but thats what he wants. How do i know thats what he wants? well, because he said so, he says on a daily basis, he wants to live with bm again. Bd feels that if he sends him back that he is giving up on his son but what about bd? Bd's health has gotten worse, so has mine(but im a nobody so its more about bd and ss) he is constantly upset, having to defend himself , me and my kids because his son lies, manipulates etc....so would he be a deadbeat because he gives ss back to bm? hes done everything to help his son(many therapist, 3month behavior program, sitting n talkn to him, awards, consequences....) as of now he told bm ss is going back with her, so as of now, sunday night ss leaves, but SO feels like crap on one end but yet knows how and what his son is doing and will do to get his way( btw, the most recent nasty thing ss did was, he had been sick, he had diareah(sp?) SO had punished ss to stand in the corner, ss puts his hands in his pants in the butt side and starts playn around in his pants to where he rubs poop ups his back to around his side and thinks nothing of it...HES 13 ....)

Quoting DDDaysh:

 "It's doing more harm than good" is a cop out. 

A kid deserves to know that their parent loves them enough to fight for them. 

 



abigailsmommy11
by Kelli on Jun. 21, 2013 at 1:46 AM

Things are so bad for Sd right now that Dh and I have talked about whether it's worth it to keep trying. It hurts so much to see how confused Sd is and how much pain she's going through because of all of Bm's crap that it's tempting to just give up. But Dh and I love Sd and have faith that someday God will help us fix this mess. 

Also, I think a deadbeat Dad is one that disappears and doesn't pay anything for his child. If child support is being paid but for some reason he can't or won't see the child, I won't call that a deadbeat because you never know the whole situation.

Candygurl17
by on Jun. 21, 2013 at 2:11 AM
1 mom liked this
I have a friend whose SO gave up on his kids die to this bm made their lives a living hell and the skids were mean and nasty due to bm making them that way. I can say their life has been at peace since bm and skids are absent in their lives. Every situation is different not saying what my friends SO did was right but its a choice he made I guess to have peace in his life
kmur
by Bronze Member on Jun. 21, 2013 at 2:35 AM

 there are kids and bm's that can make life soooooo miserable , so with that being said, should a parent have to deal with an unruly kid, a kid whos one and only goal is to go bk to the other parents home and until he gets his way will make everyone including the parent he is currently living with miserable? or should that parent live a life of hell and be miserable a nd unhappy ?

i understand why your friends SO did it

Quoting Candygurl17:

I have a friend whose SO gave up on his kids die to this bm made their lives a living hell and the skids were mean and nasty due to bm making them that way. I can say their life has been at peace since bm and skids are absent in their lives. Every situation is different not saying what my friends SO did was right but its a choice he made I guess to have peace in his life

 

kmur
by Bronze Member on Jun. 21, 2013 at 2:37 AM

 wow, im so sorry you have to go through that with your son. maybe one day he will grow up and realize how he has treated his mom and apologize to you *hugs*

Quoting orcawhales98:

 

I am so sorry your DH is going throught this.  I know what it is like.  My exh PAS my DS and I am suppose to have visitation with him but it got to be such a fight to get him to come over and then when he did come over he would disrespect me not follow any of my rules and agure and fight with me nonstop.  It got to the point that I wasn't able to spend hardly any time with my DD because I was fighting with DS so much.  So I finally said enough is enough and I told my exh that I wasn't going to fight DS anymore if he wants to come over than he can come over.  I ask DS if he wants to come over all the time and everytime he says no.  I try to talk to him on the phone and he says I don't want to talk to you and hangs up.  DS hasn't been to my house in over 6 months.  I did have lunch with him a couple a weeks ago and it was buy me this and buy me that and I am being so nice by coming here.  It was exh idea that we have lunch and forced DS to go with me for an hour.  It was horrible and I feel bad about saying that.  It breaks my heart on the person my DS has turned into and people might think I am a deadbeat mom but none of my friends or family knows what it is like that have their son hate them the way my son hates me.  One of my friends got on me because I said something how my son didn't spend Christmas with me and I kinda went off on her because she has no idea what I am going through.  Honestly I don't talk to her much any more.  I need people around me that are going to support me and support my decisions when it comes to my kids.  Good luck with your SS I hope things get better soon.  

Quoting kmur:

 i usually would agree with what you said here....but what if the bd did fight because ss "said " so much bs about bm, then bd won, got custody(bm has eowe) and for the last year ss has made everyones life in our home  a living HELL....noone is happy when he is here, but thats what he wants. How do i know thats what he wants? well, because he said so, he says on a daily basis, he wants to live with bm again. Bd feels that if he sends him back that he is giving up on his son but what about bd? Bd's health has gotten worse, so has mine(but im a nobody so its more about bd and ss) he is constantly upset, having to defend himself , me and my kids because his son lies, manipulates etc....so would he be a deadbeat because he gives ss back to bm? hes done everything to help his son(many therapist, 3month behavior program, sitting n talkn to him, awards, consequences....) as of now he told bm ss is going back with her, so as of now, sunday night ss leaves, but SO feels like crap on one end but yet knows how and what his son is doing and will do to get his way( btw, the most recent nasty thing ss did was, he had been sick, he had diareah(sp?) SO had punished ss to stand in the corner, ss puts his hands in his pants in the butt side and starts playn around in his pants to where he rubs poop ups his back to around his side and thinks nothing of it...HES 13 ....)

Quoting DDDaysh:

 "It's doing more harm than good" is a cop out. 

A kid deserves to know that their parent loves them enough to fight for them. 

 

 

 

 

Amy1973Potts
by on Jun. 21, 2013 at 5:09 AM
This is true. But I do see here and there on these boards that BM ran off and dumped the kid with dad or her parents. There is supposed to be a 'maternal bond' there. Maybe they don't have the 'mommy gene' - whuch I find very interesting. And if youth and drugs aren't involved, what drives a woman to do it? Be a deadbeat mom?

Not arguing,just curious as to the other side of the coin.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I don't care HOW horrible BM is, a man that leaves his kids for any reason is a dead beat.

Your children are more important than anything else. There's NEVER a reason to leave your kid, EVER. 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 21, 2013 at 12:27 PM

BM did that with SD. BM has had minimal contact with SD over the last year. Going as many as 5-6 weeks between speaking and 7 weeks between contact.

Why? I have no idea. I don't think she really wants to be a mom, especially a mom to a special needs kid. I think BM loves SD, but I also don't think she is capable of giving SD what she needs as a child. 


Quoting Amy1973Potts:

This is true. But I do see here and there on these boards that BM ran off and dumped the kid with dad or her parents. There is supposed to be a 'maternal bond' there. Maybe they don't have the 'mommy gene' - whuch I find very interesting. And if youth and drugs aren't involved, what drives a woman to do it? Be a deadbeat mom?

Not arguing,just curious as to the other side of the coin.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I don't care HOW horrible BM is, a man that leaves his kids for any reason is a dead beat.

Your children are more important than anything else. There's NEVER a reason to leave your kid, EVER. 



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