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Moving in together- Co- Sleeping

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:36 AM
  • 31 Replies

Hello-

I am new to this site and new to being a step mom.

I am getting married to man with 4 sons and a very high conflict relationship with his ex-wife.

Just a little background-

Dad has 50/50 shared parenting with ex, the boys are with him everyother week.  They want to live with him, they cry everytime they go back to their Moms.  I don't want to speak unfairly about the Mother, she has a difficult time disiplining, parenting the kids.  She is easliy stressed out and it doesn't help matters that the oldest runs to Dad everytime Mom punishes him.  They are back in court, this time fighting for full custody, Dad is claiming emtional abuse and Mom is claiming that Dad is manipulating.  It is a very stressful time for the kids and on top of that stress, we bought a house and are all moving in together in a month.  (This was not planned well I admit)

My question is this.... Dad feels bad about only seeing the kids for "half their life" so they have a late bedtime and the oldest starts in Dads bed everynight and by midnight they are all in Dads bed. After many discusions about this we decided that we would make the move when the kids felt comfortable and safe in their own bed.  We both agreed that I can't be the reason they can't sleep with Dad anymore.  I was very proud of the way this was handled and we both felt this was for the best.  Well we close on the house in one week.  We ove 3 weeks after that and the boys are still all sleeping with Dad.  Last night, which is a work night, they weren't in bed until after 11:00.  What do I do?  The move is taking place, do I just suck it up?  Do we start out with him sleeping in the guest room with the boys? or in their rooms?  Keep in mind that is how his marriage to their mom was... he slept on the couch and not with his wife.  He was clear that he didn't want that kind of marriage again. 

The other twist is custody will be decided 2 weeks after we move (what I mean is we will only have the boys for 2 weeks total before custody is decided) I think he feels if he gets full custody then it won't be an issue, he won't feel guilty about not seeing them and they will magically start sleeping on their own, or if he loses they will only be with us on the weekends and he can sleep with them. 

I don't want to cause any more stress to him or the boys.  Any suggestions are welcome. 

 

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 8:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mom7834
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:16 AM

what are the kids ages? 

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:20 AM

Wow, this looks like quite the mess. How long have you and Dad been together? How old are the boys? How long have things been going like this in their lives (how long since the divorce)?

Honestly, I see no way that either parent can prove emotional abuse or manipulation...unless the kids have been in therapy or counseling and it has been documented there. Based on what is here, I see no reason for there to be a change in custody. I do think that if there is one, it will fall in favor of whoever is most open to facilitating a relationship between the kids and the other parent.

Dad is really okay with removing the majority of his ex's custody time, because he feels bad about only having the kids half the time? Do the late bedtimes have a poor effect on the kids? Lack of sleep can cause issues with attention and attitude in kids.

Do you have to move in with them in 4 weeks? Even if Dad gets them to sleeping in their own beds by then, I think the move could be enough to make them want to go back to Dad's bed.

If it is at all possible, I would wait at least till the court date is over before moving in. You moving in will be one more disruption for the boys and then you tryng to adjust to living with them half the time for a few weeks and then possibly changing that to full time or only on the weekends. I would want to wait until the kids have a couple weeks to adjust to the new scheduling (if there is one) before throwing myself into the pot of things to get used to.

Panda113
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:23 AM
You move first. They move in after court.
Panda113
by Bronze Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:25 AM
2 moms liked this
Oh, and whatever you guys want the sleeping arrangements to be, enforce that from the start. New house, new sleeping arrangements. Don't set precedence.
aeELE
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:34 AM
2 moms liked this
It is my opinion that this will work better for SMs sanity. If Dad and the boys move into the new house first w the current co-sleeping patterns, they will likely become entrenched in the master bedroom w their dad. This will force SM into the "interloper" role when she moves in. That would be bad for everyone.


Quoting Panda113:

You move first. They move in after court.

fullofhope7
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 7:09 PM
Thank you all for the comments and suggestions... I am torn between letting them move first which I feel would make me the bad guy and having them move later. The problem is dad has to move in 4 weeks.
This is a messy situation to say the least.
I appreciate the help
Humility1
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 7:23 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with everyone for your sanity, move in only you first. Arrangements, rules, sleeping times and rooms all need to be set in stone before move in! I hope everything works out for you!


Quoting aeELE:

It is my opinion that this will work better for SMs sanity. If Dad and the boys move into the new house first w the current co-sleeping patterns, they will likely become entrenched in the master bedroom w their dad. This will force SM into the "interloper" role when she moves in. That would be bad for everyone.




Quoting Panda113:

You move first. They move in after court.


Panda113
by Bronze Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 7:25 PM
3 moms liked this
You will absolutely regret it if you let them move in first and they have already taken over the master bedroom before you even move in. Save yourself the headache. Whatever you do, be on the same page regarding co-sleeping before you guys move in to the new place.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 7:45 PM
1 mom liked this

How old are the kids though? My advice kinda depends on the ages of the kids.

If we're talking little kids (under 6) the issue is going to be MUCH harder to deal with.

If we're talking older kids (6-12) then it shouldn't be as much of an issue. Dad tells them, "this is your room, this is where you sleep." It may take a few tries, but it should ultimately work.

If we're talking MUCH older kids (12+), it depends on the feelings of the kids moving in on how easy it's going to be.

destiny83
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 8:17 PM
1 mom liked this

I would go with him sleeping in their rooms if they want to stay up late. They could put down a makeshift bed if they all want to have a sleepover in one room. No need to move in on your room.

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