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Adult Stepchildren

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:45 PM
  • 9 Replies

Wow, have been browsing this site and am pretty impressed with all the interactions.  comprehending some of the lingo and abbreviations took a while, lol.  Maybe someone has some advice for me or maybe not, but it looks like a good place to vent and people understand.  Here goes:

I am 51, no children of my own, a 28 y/o SS and 32 y/o SD and they have been in my life for 14 years.  SS was 14 and SD was 18 and neither lived w/us as children, but spent short periods when in between jobs and such as young adults.  BM is nice enough and did not work outside the home so DH paid child support and alimony until SS was 19 and now that DH is retired she gets some of his retirement.  SS does not think that is fair, but I remind her that her mother worked at raising two kids and deserves this and I have never resented any of the money she gets even though we are not rich, just working class and on the lower scale at that.  Anyway, now that I have established my golden halo, lol, I will get to the guts and glory.  It's kind of long, so go ahead and go to the bathroom and do a couple of stretches.  SC and I had a good enough relationship from the get go.  I'm sure it helped that I had no kids of my own and they didn't live with me.  SS would come every other weekend and a couple weeks in the Summer.  We would camp and have fun.  He was/is a quiet kid.  SD was living w/BF and she left him for the next door neighbor a bit late, then met Joe and moved in with him, became engaged a few years later, he left her at the alter (well, not quite, but close) and she became angry and bitter and our relationship was strained when I would not give her the money I had intended to pay the wedding photographer as my gift to her.  DH ended up giving her $500. 

 SS met his GF and has been with her for 5 years and I adore her.  They live closer and we do a lot of stuff with them.  I'm sure this made the SD feel alienated further.  She is now engaged to a new guy and it didn't help that while visiting a while back he got into a huge argument with some other guests that were visiting with us and then with the DH as he was irate over the fiances behavior.  For Thanksgiving (I normally host) we chose to take our travel trailer and dog to the coast instead of having the family as I was sick and tired of cleaning, cooking, waiting and then cleaning again, for his family who never offers to help with anything, except the SSGF, who always jumped up to help.  Long story short (is that possible here?) SS has only been sporadically employed over the years and begins drinking early in the day and GF is getting fed up.  SD has confided in me that SSGF has stayed with friends to get away from him at times and that her brother is not trying very hard at doing anything constructive. 

 Against my better judgment we hosted Fathers Day and SS and SD came with their SG's and Saturday became a drinkfest and DH and I were awakened at midnight to screaming.  SSGF was crying and had a bloody nose and puffy eye.  The SS story is they argued because she was drunk (though she does not usually drink but a beer or two while he imbibes all day long) and she wanted to leave and he wrestled with her and then she fell exiting the travel trailer they were staying in.  GF confirms that it wasn't a direct punch, but that he grabbed her and slammed her.  The SD and her fiance stayed in with the SS for a couple hours while I sat with the GF and got her calmed down.  I did tell her that she deserved better and that she shouldn't put up with such violence.  We talked about professional help and resources if she left him etc and finally she went to sleep.  The next day she did not leave and they sat quietly holding hands and I figured they worked it out.

When I talked to her yesterday she told me she asked him to leave and now my husband is furious with me for giving her the advice to leave.  He said I should have kept my nose out of their business.   He said that I am not qualified to give relationship advice simply based on my prior 10 year marriage with an abusive man.  I was pretty stressed out and yelled back at him that his daughter was a lazy good for nothing hag and no way was I attending her wedding and that if she ever wanted to come visit I would find somewhere else to go for that weekend and that his son was a worthless POS.  I have never spoken to my husband this way, though he is aware of how lazy his kids are when they come.

So, now I am the bad guy for advising this sweet young woman who wants kids and a happy family and I cant take back my words and when I get to thinking about it again I'm not sure I would.  Bottom line I told her if she was unhappy she needed to do something about it.  The decision in the end was hers.  So now I have torn the family apart and I'm not sure how to make it right again.  I never wanted kids...never wanted to be a parent dammit.  I don't want to be the one responsible for ruining a life or giving bad life advice.  I guess what I'm needing is some ideas or thoughts on how I can get back on some even ground.

Thanks in advance

Annie 

 

 

 

by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 3:45 PM
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Replies (1-9):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:00 PM
I wish I had advice for you but I would have probably given the gf the same advice. You probably could have left the sd issues for another time.
amylulu1
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:00 PM

You said what you said and can't take it back.  That argument was between you and your husband and I think honestly the only thing you should do is apologize for saying things just to hurt his feelings.  It doesn't matter whether you meant them or not, what matters is that it wasn't necessary to say.  They are grown-ups and they'll figure it out.  Has anybody ever thought of seeking help for the alcoholic son?

newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:01 PM

Wow, I think you've rung a bell you can't unring.

I don't think this is really a step issue at all...let's just take that off the table...it's playing a minimal role...if any.

Your dealing with likely and alcoholic...your stepson...an abusive alcoholic at that...you simply advised a woman to help herself...what you did was NOT ENABLE...this will piss off ANY alcoholic...

By giving this advice you also pissed off his enablers...your husband and the sister...they are not ready to face his problem yet...

What you need is first, professional marriage counseling...you need help communicating with your husband and he needs help to see the issues with his son...IT IS NOT OK, EVER, EVER, EVER, for his some to bloody his GFs nose, not under any circumstances, EVER, EVER, EVER...that is step one...your husband needs help seeing that his son needs help...if that first step can't be taken, you have no where to go.

Only after that, when you and your husband are on the same page can you even begin to face the issue of the kids...

amylulu1
by Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:03 PM

Oh, and your husband is probably mad because SS will probably want to come stay with you guys!  I think you gave the right advice- coming from someone who had experienced abuse, I'm sure it meant more to the gf.

Grandma's Little Angel *snort*

newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:07 PM
2 moms liked this

Also let me say I think you're brave to say something...I would have too...that is one of my absolutes...I have never backed down when I see a woman being physically hurt...for me it is some kind of primal reaction...I just can't not act...I probably would have attacked the son if I had seen her bloody face...

I was living by myself and heard my neighbor through the wall being abused by her boyfriend. I banged on the door and faced his bullying ass and kicked him off the property...I didn't care...I was paying rent, she was paying rent, he wasn't, I didn't feel the need to hear that torment through my wall...he was stunned to say the least at seeing all 5'4" of me irate as hell at the door with 911 on the phone reaming his ass...I never saw him again...she never spoke to me...she never had to...her face healed and her quiet smiles said it all...I WILL ALWAYS HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN'S BACK, ALWAYS.

bottomline
by Silver Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:13 PM

 I know this isn't really helping you , but I would have given your SS's GF the same advice. I mean your SS needs professional help. He is an abusive alcoholic. My GF was married to one and took his abuse for years. Yes they went to counseling but the abuse continued. It's like he resented HER for them going to counseling and punished her.

Your SS needs to get help as an individual before he can make any type of commitment to his GF. Their relationship is badly damaged, and rightfully so, by this drunken rage. Is this the first time it has happened? I doubt it just because he did it in front of his entire family.

Dh is in denial about his son. The sooner he realizes there is indeed a problem, the sooner he can help his son on the path of recovery. It's a life long endeavor and SS will need the support of his family to remain sober and healthy. 

Talk to DH about YOUR argument. Tell him why you gave the advice and let him see you are concerned for his son as well.  As far as getting SS help....that's a tough one. You can't force him and until he is ready to admit his problem, no recovery can happen.

Anniewhereugo
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:22 PM

The SD stuff just flew out of my mouth....I'm thinking I must be more bugged about her than I had realized.  The whole weekend was horrible compounded by the fact that our well pump had gone out the previous Friday and we had to bucket in water for animals, plants, dishes and toilets.  I think I was just fried and when he threw down on me like that I just wanted to hurt him back.  Thank you for your honest insight.

Anniewhereugo
by on Jun. 19, 2013 at 4:34 PM

Thank you Bottomline.  No, she says this isn't the only incident, but the worst of them.  I am proud of her for actually ending it....I know how hard it is and just hope that he doesn't make it any worse for her.  He is not coming to live with us as he does not like the town we live in, but he's going to his Mom's house where he grew up and I think that is part of the problem as she is going through some of her own stuff and is stressed out and I feel bad.  She said he apologized but in the next breath let's her know that he still thinks it is her fault for provoking him.  I guess in the end I just hope he doesn't hate me and sees that he does need help.  DH does know his son needs help and has talked with him.  It's interesting to find out that he is still very upset and messed up from the divorce of his parents.  The GF is worried he will hurt himself and I am not so sure she is far off base, but I told her that she would not be responsible if he did, but what makes it even harder is that her own Mom killed herself this past April and they were not on good terms, so she is having a hard time working through that.  Man, I would tell her to come live with me if I didn't think I was already in enough hot water...of which we finally have.  lol.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 5:55 PM
You shouldn't have said that about the kids. Yo can say it but in better words and not to throw or at his face during an argument.

You did nothing wrong re: ss gf though. Your DH was wrong there.
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