Wow, have been browsing this site and am pretty impressed with all the interactions. comprehending some of the lingo and abbreviations took a while, lol. Maybe someone has some advice for me or maybe not, but it looks like a good place to vent and people understand. Here goes:
I am 51, no children of my own, a 28 y/o SS and 32 y/o SD and they have been in my life for 14 years. SS was 14 and SD was 18 and neither lived w/us as children, but spent short periods when in between jobs and such as young adults. BM is nice enough and did not work outside the home so DH paid child support and alimony until SS was 19 and now that DH is retired she gets some of his retirement. SS does not think that is fair, but I remind her that her mother worked at raising two kids and deserves this and I have never resented any of the money she gets even though we are not rich, just working class and on the lower scale at that. Anyway, now that I have established my golden halo, lol, I will get to the guts and glory. It's kind of long, so go ahead and go to the bathroom and do a couple of stretches. SC and I had a good enough relationship from the get go. I'm sure it helped that I had no kids of my own and they didn't live with me. SS would come every other weekend and a couple weeks in the Summer. We would camp and have fun. He was/is a quiet kid. SD was living w/BF and she left him for the next door neighbor a bit late, then met Joe and moved in with him, became engaged a few years later, he left her at the alter (well, not quite, but close) and she became angry and bitter and our relationship was strained when I would not give her the money I had intended to pay the wedding photographer as my gift to her. DH ended up giving her $500.
SS met his GF and has been with her for 5 years and I adore her. They live closer and we do a lot of stuff with them. I'm sure this made the SD feel alienated further. She is now engaged to a new guy and it didn't help that while visiting a while back he got into a huge argument with some other guests that were visiting with us and then with the DH as he was irate over the fiances behavior. For Thanksgiving (I normally host) we chose to take our travel trailer and dog to the coast instead of having the family as I was sick and tired of cleaning, cooking, waiting and then cleaning again, for his family who never offers to help with anything, except the SSGF, who always jumped up to help. Long story short (is that possible here?) SS has only been sporadically employed over the years and begins drinking early in the day and GF is getting fed up. SD has confided in me that SSGF has stayed with friends to get away from him at times and that her brother is not trying very hard at doing anything constructive.
Against my better judgment we hosted Fathers Day and SS and SD came with their SG's and Saturday became a drinkfest and DH and I were awakened at midnight to screaming. SSGF was crying and had a bloody nose and puffy eye. The SS story is they argued because she was drunk (though she does not usually drink but a beer or two while he imbibes all day long) and she wanted to leave and he wrestled with her and then she fell exiting the travel trailer they were staying in. GF confirms that it wasn't a direct punch, but that he grabbed her and slammed her. The SD and her fiance stayed in with the SS for a couple hours while I sat with the GF and got her calmed down. I did tell her that she deserved better and that she shouldn't put up with such violence. We talked about professional help and resources if she left him etc and finally she went to sleep. The next day she did not leave and they sat quietly holding hands and I figured they worked it out.
When I talked to her yesterday she told me she asked him to leave and now my husband is furious with me for giving her the advice to leave. He said I should have kept my nose out of their business. He said that I am not qualified to give relationship advice simply based on my prior 10 year marriage with an abusive man. I was pretty stressed out and yelled back at him that his daughter was a lazy good for nothing hag and no way was I attending her wedding and that if she ever wanted to come visit I would find somewhere else to go for that weekend and that his son was a worthless POS. I have never spoken to my husband this way, though he is aware of how lazy his kids are when they come.
So, now I am the bad guy for advising this sweet young woman who wants kids and a happy family and I cant take back my words and when I get to thinking about it again I'm not sure I would. Bottom line I told her if she was unhappy she needed to do something about it. The decision in the end was hers. So now I have torn the family apart and I'm not sure how to make it right again. I never wanted kids...never wanted to be a parent dammit. I don't want to be the one responsible for ruining a life or giving bad life advice. I guess what I'm needing is some ideas or thoughts on how I can get back on some even ground.
Thanks in advance