I always find it interesting when SM's get upset when they are told to disengage or let BD raise the SKs. Number 1 reason they need to have control (if they have their own kids) is: Well I won't treat them different then my own. My Bio kids won't understand or it isn't fair.
Am I the only one who got the speech? The I am you parent not theirs. I can't make them 'insert whatever here (clean room)' but I can make you. OR I am not their mom but I am yours so NO you will NOT do that.
Growing up, there were general rules we followed at friends' home but at the end of the day, I had my own set of rules I had to abide by. Did it suck, yep at times, it sure did, but it was life.
If you want to teach your kids a good lesson, its life isn't fair.
And remember your Sks BD is the parent, if you are having issues with things at your home, its his fault because he has been parenting in his home.
Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand? ~The Crow