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After all I'm just the step mom

Posted by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 1:08 AM
  • 24 Replies
I've been raising my skids for 7 years BM lost all rights to them and had to be supervised anytime she was around the the supervised visit can be cleared once she passes 3 hair drug test over a period of 6 months. It took her 6 years to do that!!! BD works 2 weeks on an oil rig and is home for two weeks. So basically I've been running the show. I was always having to deal with BM, I was cussed out on a regular bases, life threatened, never happy with how things went and I always went by the court ordered papers. It got to the point I told my husband your dealing with her I'm done dealing with her. If I knew saying that to him would take me out of the picture of making decisions about my skids. BM and BD just plan things out and BD doesn't want my thoughts on the matter. Am I out of line to be pissed about this. Yeah I told him to deal with HER not make choices about the skids without my opinion. I don't expect a medal for loving my skids the way I do I look at them just like I look at my two I gave birth too. I feel like a babysitter. I can't just shut off being momma to them just because I don't want to put up with the BM. It really offends me. I've been here for them everyday yeah I opened my big mouth about not wanting to put up with drama. But I stil feel like I should have a say so in how things are handled with BM. Step mom or not it breaks my heart. It was a long road to hace feelings for my steps like my bio kids. Now she's passed her drug test it's like who needs me more BD and BM just call all the shots ive tried to back away some after all I'm just the step mom. But I just can't. How do you stop being mom in these situations. I want to act like a spoiled brat, ive been here all the time, i helped with hor wotk, igot them ready for school and took them, i stayed up all night while the were sick and took them to the doc, cooked for them tpok them to practices and games. Just because she finally passed her test in my mind doesnt mean she should be zble to cal the shots. I told my husband om sick of her never said i was done with my skids. Like I said I feel like the temp sitter until BM got her priorities straight!!!
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 1:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sarawags
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 2:39 AM

I can see how you would be feeling very unappreciated and disrespected by your DH right now too - what kind of decisions are they making without you?  

wymama610
by Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 4:49 AM

It's so hard. I can't imagine being a custodial SM and being told I am 'not mom'..... What is your DH doing as far as decision making without you? 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 7:38 AM

You were never mom. You were always the SM. You provided childcare on behalf of your husband, who has custody. But that did not make you mom, it made you the childcare provider.

Kudos for your husband for stepping up to the plate and dealing with his ex. That is what a good custodial parent does. 

What "shots" are BM and BD calling that you want to be part of? Can you give an example?


Quoting mrslmac:

I can't just shut off being momma to them just because I don't want to put up with the BM. It really offends me. I've been here for them everyday yeah I opened my big mouth about not wanting to put up with drama. But I stil feel like I should have a say so in how things are handled with BM. Step mom or not it breaks my heart. It was a long road to hace feelings for my steps like my bio kids. Now she's passed her drug test it's like who needs me more BD and BM just call all the shots ive tried to back away some after all I'm just the step mom. But I just can't. How do you stop being mom in these situations.



ejsmom4604
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 8:04 AM

If BM lost her rights, how is she even allowed to make any decisions? When a parent loses their rights, they have ZERO say. They do not have the right to visitation (though the other parent can permit it), they don't have a right to make any decisions, anything. Did you mean she lost custody and your DH has full legal/physical custody? That is a huge difference.

Yes it sucks, but wikn has it right, you were never mom. And that can be crappy. As long as the decisions are not effecting you, then don't worry about it. If they do effect you (plans you made etc) you need to tell DH if it is something you can do or not do. 

mrslmac
by Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 10:03 AM
Quoting sarawags:

I can see how you would be feeling very unappreciated and disrespected by your DH right now too - what kind of decisions are they making without you?  




Where they go to school, play, sports, what sports they play, swapping weekend plans when it's not her weekend. Which all their activities I'll be the one taking them too. There's been times I've made plans with all my kids for holidays that are classified as dad but sometimes he's at work and he and BM will change them up. So she can have part of the holiday too. But when it's her holiday there's no half/half it's all hers. Planning a vacation time for her I don't mind her taking them on vacation but please check with me. The kids are in so many things that dad may not realize. Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful father and would never put them in harms way. I just didn't want to deal with her anymore. If I talk to her and work things out with her I get cussed and everything else. She doesn't do that with BD I guess cause she knows he runs the show. It just hurts
....ClvrScn.
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 10:14 AM
Doesn't it take 7 years of no drug use to get. Clean hair test..? I could be wrong but that is what I herd somewhere before
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mrslmac
by Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 10:14 AM
Quoting ejsmom4604:

If BM lost her rights, how is she even allowed to make any decisions? When a parent loses their rights, they have ZERO say. They do not have the right to visitation (though the other parent can permit it), they don't have a right to make any decisions, anything. Did you mean she lost custody and your DH has full legal/physical custody? That is a huge difference.

Yes it sucks, but wikn has it right, you were never mom. And that can be crappy. As long as the decisions are not effecting you, then don't worry about it. If they do effect you (plans you made etc) you need to tell DH if it is something you can do or not do. 




She has zero rights just the right to see them that's it. Dad has all rights to them. And he is a wonderful father. Just in the beginning it was hard taking on two steps and some steps just can't or won't bond with skids. We did. If you didn't know us you would have never thought 2 of my kids were steps. Everything was smooth with me and all the kids. Sometimes dealing with BM can but alot on anyone. So I told my husband you can deal with her she listens to him I guess cause she knows he runs the show. But I never wanted to be shut out. Just sick of being b$&?!ed at.
mrslmac
by Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 10:21 AM
Quoting whatIknownow:




Just taking a step back and not let it bother me. Just accept it. I would never treat them differently than my own. I don't want a medal for loving and caring for them all these years. But I do feel like I deserve a say in what goes on in their lives ESP when plans get changed.
jlg12678
by Gold Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this


Start saying no. I am a firm believer that my dh can handle his own shit regarding bm and skids. However, he knows not to assume their change of plans means I will be willing or able to accommodate. If it affects my time or my money he asks prior to agreeing to something or he knows he will need to handle whatever he agreed to sans help from me. 


Quoting mrslmac:

Quoting sarawags:

I can see how you would be feeling very unappreciated and disrespected by your DH right now too - what kind of decisions are they making without you?  




Where they go to school, play, sports, what sports they play, swapping weekend plans when it's not her weekend. Which all their activities I'll be the one taking them too. There's been times I've made plans with all my kids for holidays that are classified as dad but sometimes he's at work and he and BM will change them up. So she can have part of the holiday too. But when it's her holiday there's no half/half it's all hers. Planning a vacation time for her I don't mind her taking them on vacation but please check with me. The kids are in so many things that dad may not realize. Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful father and would never put them in harms way. I just didn't want to deal with her anymore. If I talk to her and work things out with her I get cussed and everything else. She doesn't do that with BD I guess cause she knows he runs the show. It just hurts



RMCmata
by Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 10:33 AM
2 moms liked this
I also have juststopped dealing with bm drama. Dh handles all the communication. But we discuss all concerning ss10 and make decisions together. If bm is involved dh speaks on our behalf. I (like you) am the one who handles EVERYTHING for ss because I am a csm and ss is with dh and I 95% of the time.

I would talk to dh and explain how you feel. You are a major contributor to skids life and should have an opinion. Now that doesn't mean you have final say.

Yes we are "just step moms" but I'm not just a live in sitter. If my opinion about situations that directly effect me isn't a concern then I would let those who make these decisions handle all details of there decisions. If the what dh and bm decide DO NOT effect me then no I don't get a vote.


Quoting mrslmac:

Quoting sarawags:

I can see how you would be feeling very unappreciated and disrespected by your DH right now too - what kind of decisions are they making without you?  






Where they go to school, play, sports, what sports they play, swapping weekend plans when it's not her weekend. Which all their activities I'll be the one taking them too. There's been times I've made plans with all my kids for holidays that are classified as dad but sometimes he's at work and he and BM will change them up. So she can have part of the holiday too. But when it's her holiday there's no half/half it's all hers. Planning a vacation time for her I don't mind her taking them on vacation but please check with me. The kids are in so many things that dad may not realize. Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful father and would never put them in harms way. I just didn't want to deal with her anymore. If I talk to her and work things out with her I get cussed and everything else. She doesn't do that with BD I guess cause she knows he runs the show. It just hurts

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