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How Do We Move on From the Past--Never Took SKs on Vacation

Posted by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 2:59 PM
  • 24 Replies

DH and i did not take his kids on vacation with us when they were growing up.  We had problems with SD not wanting to visit us EOW so my DH did not think it fair to take SS on vacation with us if SD wouldn't come too.  As a result for the 13 years they were growing up, DH and I vacationed with my DS and parents and never took his kids.  I always knew it wasn't right, but I didn't interfere because this was DH's decision, and he would not confront our family issues no matter how many times I pleaded with him to do so. DH now has a very strained relationship with his DS and wants to try and repair the relationship.   The relationship with DD is good.  She holds no grudges.  We asked DS and his fiance to go with us on a trip a couple of years ago and he agreed, but the next day changed his mind saying, "it was a pity invitation."  How do we get past this issue of past vacations?   Even though I don't feel this was my fault, I still feel guilty at all the trips we took that excluded DH's kids......Disney World, California, Tennessee, Florida, cruises, Washington, D.C., Myrtle Beach, Arizona, the Grand Canyon, San Diego, Wyoming, and other really nice places that any kid would have loved to see.  

by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 2:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JacyB
by Bronze Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 3:16 PM
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By respecting them and their decisions. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to. You can't change the past and your husband doesn't get to have a Do over of his parenting choices. Tell him your sorry it didn't work out, maybe next time, and then go enjoy your vacation
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 3:19 PM

They are adults now I believe, find other ways to improve your relationship with them since a vacation may not work with your various calendars now. How does your husband feel now, is he feeling guilty as well?

dalbax2
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 3:21 PM

 This


Quoting JacyB:

By respecting them and their decisions. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to. You can't change the past and your husband doesn't get to have a Do over of his parenting choices. Tell him your sorry it didn't work out, maybe next time, and then go enjoy your vacation


 

chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Jun. 23, 2013 at 5:48 PM

 Your husband excluded his son for 13 years and NOW his son is excluding him. It happens.

Si_si
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 7:37 PM
1 mom liked this
I think in cases like this, where one child is making a statement and difficult, the other kids don't lose out just because of the few. I would have offered the children all the same options and let them choose so they can't come back to me later. I can see why he'd do this though he felt like he was stuck.

My BIL has a step family who divides their family up. Both sides never go on vacation or have family things together. The parents seem to think this was best but there is a lot of jealousy when they head about the other "side" going for thanksgiving or a trip and the others were not included.

You can't take back the past but you can admit there could have been a better way, say sorry then course correct by offering for them to go with you when you like. Don't make the same mistake and be sure to invite everyone, no matter the drama, and let them decide if they want to go. Eventually they may forgive and reconcile it or not but at least you are showing a better way now.
smarterthanyou
by on Jun. 23, 2013 at 7:40 PM
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 Question: did you (or your dh) ever deliberately schedule the vacations for when they wouldn't be there?

 

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 3:40 PM

DH scheduled the vacations during the summer months when school was out.  His son visited us EOW and I can't remember now exactly how DH worked out his visits with SS, but we were usually gone Sat to Sat because that's how DH's time off worked out.   However, DH never set out to have a vacation purposely so SS couldn't go with us because he was never with us for more than the EOW.  We never had him for a longer stretch of time than that.   We all lived in the same town.  I don't recall DH ever suggesting having his kids stay with us during the summer for a couple of weeks or so.  Looking back that was kind of odd.


Quoting smarterthanyou:

 Question: did you (or your dh) ever deliberately schedule the vacations for when they wouldn't be there?

 



smarterthanyou
by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this

 Yeah, based on what you've posted, I'd be telling the kid, remember when.... you chose to opt out.

and it's reason's like this i don't fully agree kids should be able to CHOOSE whether to go on visitation or not.

Quoting Seychelles1409:

DH scheduled the vacations during the summer months when school was out.  His son visited us EOW and I can't remember now exactly how DH worked out his visits with SS, but we were usually gone Sat to Sat because that's how DH's time off worked out.   However, DH never set out to have a vacation purposely so SS couldn't go with us because he was never with us for more than the EOW.  We never had him for a longer stretch of time than that.   We all lived in the same town.  I don't recall DH ever suggesting having his kids stay with us during the summer for a couple of weeks or so.  Looking back that was kind of odd.

 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 3:57 PM
2 moms liked this

An acknowledgment of past wrongs and an apology go a long way. I've just recently reconciled with my own father after about 20 years of no contact.  

15 years ago, I tried to reconnect and he would not acknowledge the things I was telling him that had hurt me.  15 years later, he has finally said, "I am sorry I did X. I know that hurt you.  I want to do better now. Please accept my apology and forgive me. I want a good relationship with you.  I want to move forward."

Your DH might try something like that.  Sounds to me like your SS wants his Dad to beg him to go, show some emotion, show some understanding that there ARE hard feelings there and he wants to make it right.


(edited for spelling)

grownsexy
by Bronze Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 5:07 PM
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Your husband has to forgive himself for his past decisions and keep it moving. Life is about choices he felt the choices that he made back then was right. We are human we make mistakes, we can't live life to it's fullest feeling guilty. Your dh can apologize to his son and tell him let's start from now to build a relationship. If his ds refuses to forgive him tell him don't give up send him cards on holidays, call him just to see how he is doing and keep up with his kids.

I would respect his space and let him come around.     After I have made my apologizes and extended my hand I would keep it moving. Their are lots of kids who grew up without vacations. If his son is truly trying to do something then he should not repeat the mistake. A lot of times it takes men more time to forgive. If he holds this grudge for long I feel sorry for whomever your ss is married too.

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