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Overtrying

Posted by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 1:17 PM
  • 15 Replies

I alternate between feeling bad about my feelings and behavior and feeling justified.  I married a man who has 2 teenagers.  His daughter was 14, and his son 12 when I moved in 3 years ago. They have different mothers.  He has sole custody of his daughter, she hasn't seen her mother since she was 9.  He was married to his son's mother and they divorced when his son was 8.

The first year we were together, his son dominated his time, and I tried to be kind and talk to him about blending family time, he would tell me that his son was shy and the divorce was bad, the marriage worse, and that I had to understand that his son needed him.  I continued to argue, nicely at first, but then I started pouting and telling him that it wasn't fair to us or even to his daughter.  Soon after his son began saying he wanted to move in with his older sister (not my husbands child) and her boyfriend who he feels are more like parents to him than his own parents.  My husband went through a time of depression over this, and then decided that he had to let him go (though he never moved in with them, he spends every weekend and every break with them)...our relationship and his relationship with his daughter became much stronger.  After living together for 2 years and a few months we got married.  We have been married 7 months now. 

The first year we lived together since my husband's son dominated his time, I grew close to his daughter, after all she needed a woman in her life, and she too was left out of the boy time.  I noticed however that once my husband determined to let his son go, and as he bagan to develop a relationship with his daughter, she became a daddy's girl, at first I was thrilled, I had gone to bat for her and now it was happening.  I noticed though that the closer she got to her father, the more rebellious she got with me.  And now I get frustrated because she does less and less of her chores but gets away with more and more.  I have become quite snippy with her, and I do not even like myself when I am like this.  She is a typical "know it all" teenaged girl, my mind understands this, but I am still reacting with pride each time she corrects me or says, "I know" when I tell her to do something.  I think the underlying cause of my reactions is that she no longer comes to me or needs me and is somewhat rejecting me.  I can see this logically but I do not seem very good at dealing with my emotions. 

To top it off, my stepson has recently started telling his dad that he misses how it used to be and is again trying to dominate his time daily.  I do not want to make my husband feel that he is torn between me and his children but I am feeling pretty left out and  alone.  I don't know how to overcome the feelings of resentment that are building up in me, yet I know if I do not...we will not make it.  Help!!

by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 1:17 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mamakenzi
by Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Go to counseling.
tulip1117
by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 1:20 PM

I was considering that, thank you for your reply. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jun. 24, 2013 at 1:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Counseling is your best bet.  Better yet, make it family counseling and take the kids.

amonkeymom
by Amy on Jun. 24, 2013 at 2:47 PM

You need to talk to your husband and suggest marriage counseling to learn how to work together with his children.

DDDaysh
by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 2:58 PM

 Do you have any children? 

Raspberry393
by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 3:04 PM
2 moms liked this

So YAY! Your teenaged stepdaughter is rebelling, growing more autonomous, and acting like a typical teen girl towards you!  It sounds like you've worked hard to get her to this point....

Ah CRAP! Your teenaged stepdaughter is rebelling, growing more autonomous, and acting like a typical teen girl towards you!  It sounds like you've worked hard to get her to this point....

This sounds like a clear case of getting what you asked for and not knowing exactly what that was!  Teens reject their parents- it's developmentally appropriate.  Now you and your hubby need to get on the same page on what to do about the behaviour, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in your household.  That said, if you want respect from her you're going to have to model it towards her A LOT more than you are going to get it from her at this age.

I agree with the others, at the very least it sounds like some marraige/personal/family counseling is in order.  From your post it sounds mostly like your emotional response to things comes from you competing with your stepkids for your husbands time and attention.... never good.  If you want to make it- work with him to make that stop asap.

bottomline
by Silver Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 3:27 PM

 Dh and you need to have a convo about your expectations for this blended family. Maybe a professional therapist can provide the entire family with some sound advice for moving forward. It's not easy blending a family and it helps to have objective, professional advice sometimes.

tulip1117
by on Jun. 24, 2013 at 4:15 PM

I do not have any children, which does make it harder....I don't have the experience and everyone says, you don't understand because you don't have any of your own.  It may be true but it is frustrating.  We make a lot of the same mistakes that natural parents do, but it is not ok when we do it. 

Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 4:30 PM
Read step monster . Great book , helped me to understand and accept my feelings.
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Jun. 24, 2013 at 4:48 PM
Could you please explain how he was dominating his time? How much, how long etc.
I just need some more details before I can form my opinion:)
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