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SD graduation party with BM's family, only BD invited

Posted by on Jun. 25, 2013 at 11:07 PM
  • 22 Replies

Hi! This is my first post regarding SKs. I find myself at a loss many times when it comes to making decisions that will enrich my relationship with the SKs, give them time-alone with BD or put my (our) foot down when it's just straight-out wrong to exclude me from events or have him participate in BM's family's events.

Well, the oldest SD graduated from junior high and is having a grad party at her BMs house... just a BBQ with friends and family. BD is invited, obviously I'm not because "I'm the wicked witch of the west", according to them. BD doesn't want to go to the party at the house because he dreads having to interact with BM (whom hates me with a passion and made up all sorts of lies so the kids would hate me too). He did go to the graduation itself and the dinner after the graduation-which was a stretch for him.

He declined the invitation and both the SD and SS hate me even more because, obviously, they think he doesn't want to go because I told him not to. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I encourage him to participate in his kids life events even when I'm not part of it because after all, they are his children. I can not, however, force him to spend time with BM, whom he despises.

It didn't seem to me that this BBQ would be a great deal that he needed to attend if he chooses not to. For the most part, the guests  will be the family of the BM. It just sounds ackward for him to participate, and that's how he feels, beside the fact that he has to be in the presence of the x for a prolonged time.

What are your thoughts regarding the BBQ? Should he attend for the SD's sake or skip it since it's a BM's family event?

Please help!

by on Jun. 25, 2013 at 11:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Jun. 25, 2013 at 11:13 PM
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If he doesn't feel comfortable going then he shouldn't go. He went to the graduation and the dinner so I don't see a big deal about the BBQ. My fiance would not go to BM's BBQ. I wouldn't go hang out with my ex and his family.

I also wouldn't host a graduation party that I didn't invite everyone to. With that said....I guess if the daughter doesn't want you there then that's okay but she will have to understand that her Dad may not feel comfortable going without you.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2013 at 11:26 PM
2 moms liked this

Has he considered having a BBQ or similar type party at his house for his daughter?

SD just graduated 5th grade and we did a separate celebration from BM. BM and her mom did something for SD, and DH and I did something with our families and friends.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2013 at 11:28 PM
1 mom liked this

He doesn't need to go the BBQ, he did his duty in going to the graduation, he doesn't need to socialize with BM's family if he doesn't want to.

Humility1
by Bronze Member on Jun. 25, 2013 at 11:44 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes I agree with this advice:)


Quoting chasinrainbows:

If he doesn't feel comfortable going then he shouldn't go. He went to the graduation and the dinner so I don't see a big deal about the BBQ. My fiance would not go to BM's BBQ. I wouldn't go hang out with my ex and his family.



I also wouldn't host a graduation party that I didn't invite everyone to. With that said....I guess if the daughter doesn't want you there then that's okay but she will have to understand that her Dad may not feel comfortable going without you.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:16 AM
He doesn't want to go because he's not into pretending their family is intact. I don't blame him. He attended the grad and the dinner. He should have a frank talk w his daughters and perhaps have some sort of celebration of his own for them. Doing something jointly would be cool if he and BM got along and she was civil to you but that's not the case.
macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:24 AM
If its important to his daughter, he should go even if just for a short time.
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macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:25 AM
How long have you been married to Dad? Or involved with the skids?
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pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:27 AM

I went through the same exact thing 2 years ago.  Nothing DH did was right.  And even though he Didnt get the invite to the party until the afternoon of, and no I was not invited, he was the asshole who didn't come.  It felt like a set-up to rationalize SD and BMs hate for him.

We went to graduation.  He caught shit for that too.

but what is his relationship with her like?  How long have you been around?

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jun. 26, 2013 at 1:08 AM
1 mom liked this

My DH wouldn't attend either, even if we were both invited.  We'd go to the graduation, but not BM's party.  We'd just prob throw one of our own with his family.

No sense in going if he won't feel comfortable.

packermomof2
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 1:19 AM
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If my kids want me somewhere for them, I go.  Doesn't matter if I'm uncomfortable.  I've been in my ex's sister's house numerous times, with my ex present, for this reason.  

This isn't about pretending to be an intact family.  Junior high kids know they aren't in an intact family.  

Maybe the kid doesn't want two celebrations.  Maybe she just wants her parents to be able to be in the same area without killing each other, or wanting to do so.  At some point you do have to deal with things like this... unless you don't want to and you risk your kids not inviting you (general) to anything because your comfort level was so important that you don't get involved, even for a short while, in small events they invite you to.

I'm not saying anyone has to go to anything... I'm just saying that I know this can happen from experience with a junior high kid myself... one who no longer invites her father to anything of importance to her because he didn't think it was important enough to show up to things for her that may have been important to her... 

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