Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I asked mine - would you ask yours

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:21 PM
  • 10 Replies

I was reading a post on here last week, and I don't remember what it was about, but I think it was one of those " I hate my step kids" posts. And someone, I don't remember who, asked the woman if her husband knew how she felt. Then someone else quoted that person and said something along the lines of " I wonder how my husband feels about being a step dad ".

It got me thinking. My husband is well aware of how I feel about his daughter. He knows that the relationship is constantly changing. I'm very open with him about my feelings, in a non intrusive, non offensive manner. I'm very open and matter of fact about it all.

Just last night, I was telling him that I feel that it's hopeless to even try to SD anymore, because every time things get good between me and SD, BM goes on one of her rampages and ruins it. It's frustrating. And now with SD moving - 2-3 days a month is not going to be enough to maintain a positive relationship between me and SD.

A good, loving relationship is something that I have to consciously work at with her. Not just on her end, but on mine as well. It is hard to love another's child whole heartedly. So - I decided to ask my husband how he feels about being a step father. What that hardest part about step parenting is and if he feels any resentments towards me or DS.

DH doesn't talk as openly to me, as I do to him. So these had to be asked.

His response

1) I don't feel like a step father. DS is my son. Maybe it would be different if BF was in his life, and I had to deal with what you deal with having BM be a part of our life every day, but I don't so I guess it's easier to just see him as my son

2) The hardest part about being a step father is he worries about punishments. He expects more out of DS because DS is here all of the time, but he questions himself on if he's being harder on DS because he's here all the time, or if he's doing it because it's his step son and not his flesh and blood like SD is. It's also hard for him to take a back seat when it comes to DS because he is the all the time dad, but has to remember that I know DS better than he does, or anyone does that even though I won't openly over ride him, it's okay if I have different standards

3) He does not resent me or DS. He does resent BF. He resents him because BF should be helping financially. He resents him because BF should be there for DS. He resents him because he ( BF ) doesn't love DS the way that DH feels he ( BF ) should.

So - I asked my husband. Are you brave enough to ask yours? Are you sure you want to know the truth? Will he tell you the truth if it's less than favorable.. ?

by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:21 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:27 PM

I have.  I had 5 children before I married my husband and I worry still how he handles it.  My kids are great but they are a lot for someone to just take on like he did.  He says that he loves them just like he loves his own and he treats them like they are his.  He doesn't have any resentment towards me, but he doesn't like the way their dad does them sometimes but he keeps it to himself because he feels like it's not his place.

by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:28 PM


by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:35 PM

 Mine knows, i sometimes put it into "non offensive" terms until he uses the words i WANT to use. He knows sd is HARD to be around, her condition makes the average bear run (lost several good women because of her condition). She has been through a lot.

He also agrees that ss is hard to be around cause he lacks dicipline which is a working progress.

and he feels like dd is too big for her britches (she is) and can be a little bossy.

yes we are open about how we feel.

by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:45 PM

We've openly discussed this numerous times. At first it was very difficult for both of us. We had to separate our feelings from our kids feelings. Ex: SD would get jealous of DD and SO would then resent DD for it. In turn I would resent SD. 

We have really come a long way. Not only have both of us learned how to separate those feelings, but SO has also come to understand DD much better. It took a lot for him to finally separate our kids experiences and realize a kid going through divorce and a kid having barely any contact with bio-dad, have completely different feelings. Once he figured all that out, he viewed my DD completely differently, and that helped for my skids to understand her better too. Now, he will go out of his way to make sure my DD feels loved. 

Now, Im not saying that I still dont get annoyed at his and he still doesnt get annoyed at mine. Thats always going to happen. But he both get annoyed with our own as well. And when he have a problem with the kids, we discuss it.

by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 12:49 PM

DH is only a BF, not a SF.  Likewise, I'm only a SM.  We're open with everything and tend to be on the same page.  I often used to view my frustrations from the "I'm just SM" perspective, questioning if I would handle things differently or see things differently if I was the mom and guilting myself for lacking maternal whatever with them.  Being able to bounce those feelings off DH has been really helpful.  But I've also had a lot of friends who are moms-only add reassurance over kid/teen shenanigans.  The bottom line is that it's a hard job raising kids.  I think we SPs tend to complicate matters from time to time with our own insecurities and other "noise", trying to be perfect parents or making up for imperfect/absent parents when the reality is that there's no such thing as a perfect parent or perfect kid.

by Ruby Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 1:35 PM

My husband actually thinks I feel much worse than I do, however he knows it isn't about SS at all but my feelings about BM, he thinks I will never be able to separate the two. 

by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 2:12 PM

I think we even each other out fairly well. DH adopted ODD7 in February and has always been the only father figure in her life, so he has always considered her his daughter in all ways. DH is CP of SS11, so I have been his primary caregiver for the last 7 1/2 years.

I do feel that sometimes I'm harder on SS than I should be, but I have high expectations for him and he often tries to act less than he is capable of because he is lazy...preteen. Its also been a struggle because I grew up in a family primarily of women...a few male cousins my age but none that close so I don't know what to expect from a boy. Its hard to find that balance of how hard to push to help him be successful. I was very much one of those who 'loved him like my own' for a long time...but that was mainly while he was still little and needed that in his life (BM was unreliable). Now that he is getting old enough that he can own his relationship with BM, I'm stepping back on the 'mothering' that I was doing.

The same goes for DH. He grew up with 2 brothers and wasn't that close with any of his female cousins. ODD is also a lot like me when I was little so I am more understanding of the way she acts sometimes than DH is. Her personality is different than mine in some ways, so I'm already changing my expectations of her based on that. 

I don't know that DH ever resented BF for not paying CS or being part of ODDs life. We don't receive CS from BM either and we get by fine, so it hasn't really been an issue. I think he was okay with my explanation that not getting CS was fine as long as we didn't have to deal with him otherwise...I'm sure he has felt that way about BM.  

by Bronze Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Yes we are very open about the subject. It hurts him to think of BF being first because he has never been a constant parent and is now totally out of the picture as of a year and a half ago. He has been around for ds since ds (I'll just call him Z) was a year old. Z's BF has never financially supported him, has always endangered his life, and was jumping in and out on whims. Dh has been emotionally and financially supportive of Z, supportive of him with school, helping him with school work meeting coaches and also getting involved in his sports, I mean everything a good bio father would do. He loves and cares for him as his own. I don't think of him in any less way. As far as my family is concerned he is Z's only father. With my ss I have been the same but we talk about that stuff when it comes up and he helps me roll with the punches as well as being honest about those feelings. We always know where we stand.
by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 2:49 PM

Yes Dh and I discuss how being a SP affects both of us and how we both feel about it. We stay open about it.

by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 3:21 PM

DH is a BF only and I am a SM only.  I think that makes it harder for us to put ourselves in the other persons' shoes. We do discuss things and have a pretty good understanding of how the other person feels about X, Y or Z.  But that doesn't seem to reduce the conflict/frustration much for me at least.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)