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Am debating on talking to BM, not sure what to do

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:23 PM
  • 77 Replies

Ok, our sitch has always been a little sticky. DH and BM share 50/50 of SD11. They have gone by this arrangement for a few years now. Now that SD is getting older, she's talking to us (DH and I) alot more about her situation at BM's house. She's been very open and honest with us and she's not very happy at BM's house. There are numerous accounts that she has told us; she doesn't like SF- so much so that when BM left her in his care not too long ago, SD climbed a tree and wouldn't come down until SF called BM and BM had to go get her out of the tree; she feels like a guest in her BM's house; she doesn't like the fact that BM and SF tell her not to do something and then they turn around and do it; she doesn't like how SF will follow her around reciting bible verses at her as does BM; and so on. There are alot more but these are just a few in order not to type a novel.

BM is pushing SD away from her and her family.  It's very apparent to me and DH, even my MIL has said something to my DH about it because of what SD tells her. It makes me sad. I have my DD and if she ever thought or felt what my SD has told us, then it would devestate me. SD has said that she's tried talking to BM about issues, but BM doesn't really listen to her and nothing really ever happens to improve the situation.

I am debating on whether to try to talk to BM about it and let her know what is going on, or just leave it alone and BM will eventually totally push SD away. SD has already made statements to MIL and even to DH that when she turns 12, her BM might be really sad because she won't live with her anymore. As a mom that just makes me sad.

What do you guys think? Should I try to approach BM about it or just leave it alone?

by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Lauren79
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:30 PM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, your husband should approach BM about it. If things are already strained, you stepping in and saying something to BM is going to make it worse. I know for me, it would do nothing but piss me off to have my daughter's stepmom come and tell me these things and no matter how she approached it I would feel like I was being attacked and told that I'm not a good mom and go  on the defensive.

If your SD truly wants to live with you then that is something that DH, SD and BM need to sit down and discuss and if it can not be resolved by talking it out, DH may need to get the custody order amended.

Support your DH and SD in this 100% but I say step back and let SD and DH talk to BM, it's their place not yours.

DDDaysh
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:33 PM

 Is SD of the mistaken impression she gets to pick where she lives when she turns 12? 

yryssa1
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:36 PM
This, 100%

DH needs to approach her, not you.


Quoting Lauren79:

Honestly, your husband should approach BM about it. If things are already strained, you stepping in and saying something to BM is going to make it worse. I know for me, it would do nothing but piss me off to have my daughter's stepmom come and tell me these things and no matter how she approached it I would feel like I was being attacked and told that I'm not a good mom and go  on the defensive.


If your SD truly wants to live with you then that is something that DH, SD and BM need to sit down and discuss and if it can not be resolved by talking it out, DH may need to get the custody order amended.


Support your DH and SD in this 100% but I say step back and let SD and DH talk to BM, it's their place not yours.


Raspberry393
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:38 PM
what are the adult relationships with bm?
Lauren79
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:41 PM

 I wonder if she thinks, or has been told, that when she turns 12 dad can take it back to court and have the custody order amended and that at 12 the judge will take into consideration what she has to say and what she wants.

In WA state I know that children can go in as young as 11 and in AK I believe it's about 12 or 14.

Either way it's something that BD and SD need to discuss with BM and not have SM approach BM with any of it, I think that'd just make things 100 times worse.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 Is SD of the mistaken impression she gets to pick where she lives when she turns 12? 


 

spicy0425
by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:41 PM

She is 12. Unless she said she is abused by the SF, I wouldn't do a thing.  It's not your place to talk to BM. Your DH is probably in the best position to talk to BM.  Also, 12 means she is capable of saying things to get what she wants to get what she wants to do. I hope the father would check out the bible incident though. That's weird and unacceptable to me to force belief or religion on a kid. Other than that, BM and SF are adults, they might not allow a 12 yrs old kid to do something that only is done by adult ==> they are doing it and SD complains. There might be more to the story that your SD led you to believe. Does it make sense to you?

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 5:59 PM
1 mom liked this
Adults often tell children not to do something and then do it themselves. I tell my children not to eat in the living room and I eat in the living room all the time.
MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Jun. 26, 2013 at 6:20 PM
1 mom liked this

Quoting DDDaysh:

 Is SD of the mistaken impression she gets to pick where she lives when she turns 12? 


No mistake, in our state and county at age 12 the judge will listen to who the child wants to live with. Unless there is a reason for the child to NOT live with that parent, the judge will grant what the child wants.
MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Jun. 26, 2013 at 6:25 PM

Quoting Raspberry393:

what are the adult relationships with bm?

DH and BM have a very strained relationship. I have a slightly better one with her.
MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Jun. 26, 2013 at 6:41 PM

Well DH has said something to BM about these issues, twice in fact. Nothing seems to change. BM and SF both try to force their religion down SD's throat. SD has been very vocal about how she doesn't like the church they go to, doesn't like being made to go when she's at BM's house, and now with them reciting bible versus at her. I guess about a month ago SD told her BM that she only wants to go to a certain church (our church that we go to) because that is where she feels comfortable, she's not forced to do anything she doesn't want to do. BM didn't take that too well, told SD tough that she HAS to go to her church when she's with her.

What SD has told us is that when SF wants to watch something on her tv, he tells her to stop watching tv because she doesn't need to sit in front of it and then when she leaves, he turns the channel to whatever he wants to watch. She said it happens all the time. She says she asks her BM and SF to play with her either inside or outside, but they say they don't have time, are too tired, or don't want to. I think SD's just very frustrated with the situation and doesn't know what to do herself, that's why she comes to us.


Quoting spicy0425:

She is 12. Unless she said she is abused by the SF, I wouldn't do a thing.  It's not your place to talk to BM. Your DH is probably in the best position to talk to BM.  Also, 12 means she is capable of saying things to get what she wants to get what she wants to do. I hope the father would check out the bible incident though. That's weird and unacceptable to me to force belief or religion on a kid. Other than that, BM and SF are adults, they might not allow a 12 yrs old kid to do something that only is done by adult ==> they are doing it and SD complains. There might be more to the story that your SD led you to believe. Does it make sense to you?


 

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