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How do I support SO?

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 9:52 AM
  • 14 Replies

How do I support my SO when things with SD and BM are crazy? I feel like I should be doing something to help fix it...but there really isn't anything I can do. I just hate to see him go through the crap they put him through.

 

Basically BM has raised SD to be a spoiled brat...when she doesn't get things her way, she throws a fit (or has a meltdown as BM calls them)...I have a daughter on the austism spectrum and to hear her call SD's tantrums a meltdown just irks me.

 

SO has SD Tuesday evening and last night...Tuesday evening they spent their time playing with her new magic kit and having fun. I was actually not feeling well, and spent the night napping. So last night, she's over, they watch a little bit of a movie together, and we have dinner (which is a whole different kettle of fish!), and he suggests going to the yogurt place. She is all excited until he mentions me going. She cops her usual attitude for the rest of the night.

 

He gets home after dropping her off at BMs, and she has already called him yelling at him for not doing anything with his daughter. "All she wanted was to spend time with you"...blah blah blah...we hear this every so often. He does spend 1:1 time with her at least once a week, but we are not going to cater to her need to be taken somewhere everytime she is here. I have made sure from the beginning that they take the time to do things just the two of them.

 

She is yelling at him for never doing anything with SD (bullshit), always having to do things with my kids along, not fixing anything she likes to eat, yada yada yada. My kids are with us every other week (50/50 with my ex), and yes, we do things as a family. Funny thing is, she seems to have a good time too, until she gets back with BM. (She is the same age as my 2 girls).

 

As for not fixing anything she likes to eat...she will not eat ANYTHING. 9 times out of 10, she eats at her grandma's before he picks her up anyway. I stopped trying to plan my meals around someone who won't eat anything or try anything new (just like BM).

 

He tries his hardest to counter the negative influences of BM (and her mother and GM)...but SD has always been made to believe she was the center of the universe. The biggest difference now I guess is that BM isn't here to tell her yes when dad says no.

 

BM believes that SD should make all the decisions and get to do whatever she wants. Even as far to say to him, "well, I'll see if she wants to come over". It's frustrating how she thinks she can control what happens in our home.

 

I guess I just needed to vent more than anything :) But how do I help him when he is obviously hurt?

by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 9:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 27, 2013 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this

How old is this kid?

What does your DH do when she gets surly at your house?

How does DH react when BM is ranting at him?

I would perhaps consider screening my calls if I were DH.  Let cooler heads prevail. It seems like SD is triangulating and playing the situation.  Also maybe feeling guilty when she DOES have fun at your house and feels like in order to show loyalty to Mom, has to kvetch about SOMEthing. 


arobinson75
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 10:30 AM

She is 10...when she cops an attitude, he calls her on it. He will turn things around and say "How would you feel if...?" He tries to teach her how she should treat people, but its hard to combat the other influences.

He most of the time just listens and doesn't say much...he always says "when you argue with a fool..." Occasionally, she will push him to the point that he is mad enough to argue back.

I wonder if she is playing the situation at times, but I think most of the time, it is just the automatic reaction because she is so spoiled. I don't think she even has to think about it. You may be onto something with the loyalty to mom.  It's ridiculous how we get blamed for everything that is wrong with their lives, when BM is the one who cheated, left him, and has had a string of boyfriends.

 

He says that one of these days he's going to say to SD, "You don't like how things are? Maybe you should ask your mom about that". I told him that wouldn't really help...especially at this age.

DDDaysh
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

 He has control.  He can hang up the phone when she starts yelling.  Encourage him to take control rather than feeling like a victim. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 27, 2013 at 11:33 AM

If this kid is 10, her dad has just as much responsiblity in raising her to have become the person she is. It's not all on BM.

Hell, for 10 years BM raised SD to be an obnoxious brat. It didn't last long when she was here. DH put his foot down about behavior, and guess what? It wasn't an issue here. SD is STILL (at 13) an obnoxious brat with BM, here, COMPLETELY different story. She's a sweet, well mannered, kind, loving young lady.

So, if you SD is THAT bad, it's on DH AND BM. 

wyomom4
by Member on Jun. 27, 2013 at 1:13 PM

 Had similar times with oldest sd when she was that age. It took some time, a year or so, but we were able to make her understand that the rules for behavior were different at our house. Made a huge difference. As a teen she realized that she acted like a brat around her mom and really got control of her self. Now at 19 she hates the way her mom acts.

Just hang in there. Stay firm and consistent in the way you guys handle her. Reassure DH that she may be hating on him now but eventually she will grow up and form opinions of her own.

packermomof2
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 2:25 PM
1 mom liked this

My daughter used to have meltdowns that would have made Ghandi lose patience. It wasn't because of how I was raising her either.  There were some extreme stressors in her life, she has some severe OCD tendencies and is a perfectionist.  Straight A honor student, in orchestra, softball, piano... if it isn't right, dagnab it, it HAS to be right and if she can't get it right the world might as well be ending to her.

My ex called me a liar.  I was left to deal with the situation alone. 

It took some years and some therapy and now that she is going into the 7th grade things are easing up. She is still that way with her school work.  

I think my kids should be able to make SOME decisions... I found that if I did the "you'll do as I say" with EVERYTHING it didn't work for my oldest.  I started asking her for her opinion on some things... giving her a voice.  This was due to the stressors in her life, having NO control over ANYTHING in one place... she isn't your typical kid, either.  She's way older, it seems, than she really is.  Due to things that happened in her life. 

So, SOME decisions do fall to her... it seemed to alleviate some of the stress.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jun. 27, 2013 at 2:32 PM
1 mom liked this

DH should not listed to BMs rants, they should be ignored.  As long as he is comfortable with his treatment of his DD, he is fine. 

I see this with my DH too, if BM emails or calls to rant about something stupid, he gets upset.  Why is he paying the BM any mind?  I don't get it.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 27, 2013 at 2:46 PM
Maybe he needs to let the call go to voicemail or say good bye when she starts arguing.

Also,tell him not to tell you. I wish my dh didn't tell me some stuff bc you know what?! They are kids and they are brats and as long as my dh is handling his sons,I'm good. (I've learned I've not always been like this)

I try not to get involved. The loyalty thing is tough on kids. Not saying you need to cater to her but if she comes home happy maybe she feels guilty for having a good time? So she just says the negative and how dad never does this or that w her.

Remember when they have these "loyalty" issues,step mom is always wrong. Lol. We get blamed for shit that would not be a big deal w dad had said it or done it. It sucks!
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yryssa1
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 2:55 PM
This! Exactly what I have had to do.

Your DH needs to only worry about his time with his daughter. He cannot let BM's behavior get to him, she's getting exactly what she wants. Just have him be consistent with his daughter as best he can.


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

Maybe he needs to let the call go to voicemail or say good bye when she starts arguing.



Also,tell him not to tell you. I wish my dh didn't tell me some stuff bc you know what?! They are kids and they are brats and as long as my dh is handling his sons,I'm good. (I've learned I've not always been like this)



I try not to get involved. The loyalty thing is tough on kids. Not saying you need to cater to her but if she comes home happy maybe she feels guilty for having a good time? So she just says the negative and how dad never does this or that w her.



Remember when they have these "loyalty" issues,step mom is always wrong. Lol. We get blamed for shit that would not be a big deal w dad had said it or done it. It sucks!

sarahfire
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 4:16 PM

Just give him support, stand by his side, and if need be, say something to SD or BM or both about the way she is treating him.

I am dealing with a very similar situation, SDs both treat DH like crap, they now won't even come visit anymore. They are spoiled rotten and only ever want money from us. I just listen when DH wants to talk, and try to support him as best as I can. Thats all you can really do.

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