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Custodial Step Moms are Raising their SKs

Posted by on Jun. 28, 2013 at 1:59 PM
  • 139 Replies
11 moms liked this

 This topic comes up often enough on this board and there is a lot of debate. 

CSMs (or CSDs) with a BM living far away and therefore having limited visitation OR with an absent BM are raising their skids.  Every decision that they make now involves their SKs too.  Any time a CSP wants to do something or go somewhere the SKs are a factor. 

My day would be a lot different if my SKs did not live with me.  I am cooking for them, cleaning up after them, taking them places, arranging their ECs and interacting with their friends and friends parents.  I'm not watching anything inappropriate on TV, I can't go to the gym anytime I feel like it.  A fun day for me is tossing a ball with SS at the pool.

I love having a large family with DH (I have 2SKs and 2bios, all living with me and DH) but our life is crazy, we live on a tight budget and I'm so busy at times I don't get much time to myself.  Its a sacrafice but one that is done willingly for my family and out of love.

So why is it that there is so much negative feedback on this board about CSMs having issues with BMs?  I'll use the example of the CSM who just posted about BM emailing every day and the majority of the response (or 100% of the response as I saw it) was telling the CSM to deal or be happy that BM wanted to be involved.  If BM wants to be involved with her kids (or BD) then they would see them on a regular basis and BE in their lives.

BMs who have moved away (or BDs) to have different lives do so at their choice, they decided to not RAISE their kids.  Those of us doing the raisng of kids deserve respect and consideration. 

 

by on Jun. 28, 2013 at 1:59 PM
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:20 PM
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I don't know, I'm a CSM and I dont have an issue with my stepkids mother.

why do you think CSMs have more of an issue with the mother than NCSMs do? I think the complaints are about equal from both camps.

In the example you gave, though, the BM was emailing every day (I dont remember that post), so she doesn't qualify as a "BM who has decided not to raise her kids."

ETA: ah, found it.

tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:20 PM
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Some very good points.   I just read that post.  Its nice the BM wanted to step up and be a mom again but on the other hand I can see a everyday thing with the email being overwhelming.    Some times the posts  make me think of the same situation as a wife and a mistress.  The wife get all the bad attitude, the dirty laundry, picking up after him, cooking for him while the mistress gets all the glory.   Same with the Step kids and Bm vs a CSM.    Takes a hell of a person to take on anothers child and care enough to co-parent effectively.   I do agree SM's get alot of grief and deserve alot more respect and consideration.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:20 PM
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I agree.

I'd HATE to see my dh treating my dds as if my ex can come back at anytime and "claim" them.

My dh went in full force and does a great and hard job raising my exs kids. I am proud of that. I am proud of him.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:23 PM
2 moms liked this
Totally! Lol. I sometimes think of this as well. But bm in my case is 50/50 but she used to dump the skids off with me so I could "baby sit" them.

Here I am on Her week,all sweating and cooking and playing with her sons on no sleep and she comes and picks them up at 530-6 pm all dolled up and not sweaty. Lol.


Quoting tiredmama42:

Some very good points.   I just read that post.  Its nice the BM wanted to step up and be a mom again but on the other hand I can see a everyday thing with the email being overwhelming.    Some times the posts  make me think of the same situation as a wife and a mistress.  The wife get all the bad attitude, the dirty laundry, picking up after him, cooking for him while the mistress gets all the glory.   Same with the Step kids and Bm vs a CSM.    Takes a hell of a person to take on anothers child and care enough to co-parent effectively.   I do agree SM's get alot of grief and deserve alot more respect and consideration.

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OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:25 PM

 In that post the OP said that BM moved away years ago to start a new life.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't know, I'm a CSM and I dont have an issue with my stepkids mother.

why do you think CSMs have more of an issue with the mother than NCSMs do? I think the complaints are about equal from both camps.

In the example you gave, though, the BM was emailing every day (I dont remember that post), so she doesn't qualify as a "BM who has decided not to raise her kids."

 

twinklebites
by Silver Member on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:33 PM
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I read that post and cant help but wonder why he DH even has to tell her about the emails? Itseems that would alleviate this issue.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:34 PM
Ok, but that doesn't mean she is not raising her kids. If she is trying to be involved she shouldn be.

It csm can't manage it, the father should do it. It is part of the responsibility of the custodial parent. If my ex emailed me every day, I would do my best to help keep him involved and respond.

My husband, being custodial sf does not have to respond to my ex, but if he does not I SHOULD. It is my responsibility.

Dh sees dd more than her dad. Does not make him her dad and does not mean he is raising him in place of her dad. It means I as custodial parent am the person who is in charge of raising dd. my husband, because he loves me and dd is helping ME. Not replacing her dad.

I don't think it is any different when you swap he parental genders around.


Quoting OvrMyHead:

 In that post the OP said that BM moved away years ago to start a new life.


Quoting whatIknownow:


I don't know, I'm a CSM and I dont have an issue with my stepkids mother.


why do you think CSMs have more of an issue with the mother than NCSMs do? I think the complaints are about equal from both camps.


In the example you gave, though, the BM was emailing every day (I dont remember that post), so she doesn't qualify as a "BM who has decided not to raise her kids."


 


JTROX
by Member on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:36 PM
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Yes, CSM are raising their stepkids.  Even NCSM have a hand in raising their SK.

LoveMy2x4
by on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:36 PM
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I completely agree with you. I dont find the "I gave birth to you so I am your MOM" statement to always be 100% accurate. Yes, biologically, that is the mother. But it takes a lot more than pushing someone out of your vagina to make them a mother. I know others view this much differently, and I respect that...but that is my opinion on it. 

I do not consider my ex to be a FATHER to my children. Nobody does, really. There have been times where he has come to visit my kids (a supervised visiation) and he would ask SO how to do something or if they were allowed to do something. As shitty of a dad as he is, he still respected my SO enough to acknowledge him as the Dad. 

I let my SO make decisions with me about my kids. I would never consider ex's opinion. He doesnt know my children well enough. He really doesnt know them at all. My SO doesnt have to do the things that he does. He doesnt have to cook them dinner every night, he doesnt have to do homework, he doesnt have to tuck them in every night, he doesnt have to kiss their booboo's or take care of them when they are sick, he doesnt have to spend hours building Legos or take my daughter on Date Nights when she is sad. That to me is a Dad. I dont need his sperm or a legal document to tell me that. So when I tell my SO that I want to put my son in a hiphop class and he says "No, Im putting him in wrestling," I leave it at that. My SO has earned that right to make those decisions, whereas their biological father hasnt. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 28, 2013 at 2:36 PM
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she said she emails every day and has one month in the summer, and facetime every 48 hours.

So she didn't abandon her kids, she is a long-distance NCP.

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 In that post the OP said that BM moved away years ago to start a new life.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't know, I'm a CSM and I dont have an issue with my stepkids mother.

why do you think CSMs have more of an issue with the mother than NCSMs do? I think the complaints are about equal from both camps.

In the example you gave, though, the BM was emailing every day (I dont remember that post), so she doesn't qualify as a "BM who has decided not to raise her kids."

 



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