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Update: CPS & Custody Change?.... WWYD?

Posted by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:01 AM
  • 28 Replies
1 mom liked this

I posted awhile back about BM attacking, biting, and fracturing SS14's thumb. Since then, SS14 has moved in with us. It has only been just over a week, but he has been wonderful. He is happy. Im sure part of that is just the "honeymoon" phase, but he genuinely hated being at BMs house. 

A couple nights ago, SO brought up the thumb breaking incident. I told him I was really surprised that he didnt call CPS. He said that he didnt because he thought that CPS would take the kids away from not just BM, but away from him too. I told him he was wrong and that they would only take them away from BM. He called up his mediator yesterday to talk to her about it, and she FLIPPED. She told him that if he didnt call, and BM hurt another one of the kids, that he wouldnt be able to use this incident against her and that he might then get in trouble for it. He knew about the abuse and didnt do anything (in his eyes, he did do something because he took his son out of her house). 

So now he is finally considering getting CPS involved and getting custody of his kids. One part of him wants to take them to make sure this never happens to the girls. But the other part of his doesnt think she will do it again and he has concerns about taking his kids completely from their mother. The older two will understand, but he doesnt think the younger two will. Not just that, but wouldnt BM end up with supervised visits if they were taken from her for abuse? She is also pregnant, so what would happen to her baby? SO doesnt really care about that, but I cant help but wonder. SF has major issues and we both think that once his baby is born, it is only going to get worse for the skids in that house. 

He basically just doesnt know what to do at this point. He wants to make sure they are never hurt, but taking them from their mother will also hurt them. I dont want to force my opinion on him in any way. I will support him no matter what he decides, but the decision needs to come from him. 

WWYD??

Update:

SO spoke to BM last night. For some reason, she started telling SS14 that he was only staying with us for the summer and that he wasnt allowed to make a decision on his own until he was 16. Originally BM & SO agreed on 15, and SS will turn 15 at the end of the month. 

SO & BM of course got into a huge argument about this being that it was unintentionally left out of the CO. BM was fighting with SO because she thought that the kids needed "unity" and that SS wasnt behaving at her house because of SO. Im not sure how she can blame that on SO, but thats besides the point. 

BM told SO that there was no way that SS was staying with us. SO explained to her how miserable SS was with her, and that she BIT HIM AND BROKE HIS FINGER. She tried at first to deny biting him, but then owned up to it. She told SO "I hate you"...and SO told her "Next time you think about hating me, think about the fact that OUR mediator, who YOU chose, told me to call CPS on you and have ALL my kids given to me and your new baby would end up in foster care." She starts crying and says "What, do you expect me to give YOU child support now?" SO tells her that he doesnt want her money, he just wants his son safe and with him. So She says "oh, well then I'll sign the new custody agreement tomorrow." I guess we now know where her thought process was on that one. 

SO told her that if she ever laid a hand on any of the kids again, he wouldnt hesitate next time to call CPS. Its not what I would have done, but they are his kids and to me, it is his decision. He thinks SDs are safe with her, but that his son isnt. SS will be visiting her for dinner once during the week and one overnight every other weekend. The girls will have a choice at 15 of where they want to live. 

by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
LoveMy2x4
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Also....say she hurts one of them again and CPS then gets involved. Being that I knew about it the first time, will that have any affect on me and MY kids???

ramita
by Silver Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:20 AM
I know for a fact my DH would've called the police or whomever would've been appropriate to call.

As far as getting hurt, is it better for the kids to hurt over being away from they're mother (something that could be helped with her having supervised visits and phone calls), or for them to have broken bones or other physical abuse that will also add to their mental problems. This sounds like these are his options for his kids. As for him believing she'd never do it again, dis he believe she'd ever do something like that on the first place? If not then what makes him so sure she won't do it again...
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:20 AM

LET ME ASK YOU THIS......

When SS's thumb got broken...he obviously had to go to the doctor right? What did you all tell the doctor about how it got broke?

LoveMy2x4
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:26 AM

I would have done the same too. 

He didnt believe she would do it to any of them. But I asked him that same thing last night and he couldnt really answer. Now that he knows the kids would only be taken from her and not him, he is processing all the info. 

My opinion is that if she can do it once, she can do it twice. And girls have more attitudes than boys and it was SS's attitude that made her go all crazy on him.

Quoting ramita:

I know for a fact my DH would've called the police or whomever would've been appropriate to call.

As far as getting hurt, is it better for the kids to hurt over being away from they're mother (something that could be helped with her having supervised visits and phone calls), or for them to have broken bones or other physical abuse that will also add to their mental problems. This sounds like these are his options for his kids. As for him believing she'd never do it again, dis he believe she'd ever do something like that on the first place? If not then what makes him so sure she won't do it again...



LoveMy2x4
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:30 AM

SO let BM take him to the doctor. And they said that he hurt it while playing basketball. 

I was beside myself with that one. But I guess now that I found out SO thought the kids would get taken from him too I understand more. He was scared. I wish he would have looked into it more. I wish I would have said something at the time. I try not to get involved when it comes to BM though. 

Quoting baparrot2:

LET ME ASK YOU THIS......

When SS's thumb got broken...he obviously had to go to the doctor right? What did you all tell the doctor about how it got broke?



WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:37 AM

SS's were taken from BM by CPS for her drinking.  There were issues that arrised during that time with SF's violence and their kids.  BM had supervised visits from June - Oct.  During that time she went through rehab and was doing everything CPS told her she needed to.  When CPS cleared her to be around her kids unsupervised she took DH to court to have supervision dropped.  The judge agreed.  

It was during that SF's abuse came out.  He was then not allowed to be around his kids until he completed anger management classes among other things.  Same with BM, once he did what CPS wanted him to do he was cleared to be around his kids alone again.

If she is going something that warrents CPS to get involved then that is not his fault.  He has to protect his kids.  He can't worry about what might or might not happen with her.

LoveMy2x4
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 11:25 AM

I think he is more worried that taking them from their mother would be more harmful than what their mother may or may not do. 

He doesnt really care what BM would have to deal with or what what would happen with the baby she is pregnant with. 


Quoting WifeyC:

SS's were taken from BM by CPS for her drinking.  There were issues that arrised during that time with SF's violence and their kids.  BM had supervised visits from June - Oct.  During that time she went through rehab and was doing everything CPS told her she needed to.  When CPS cleared her to be around her kids unsupervised she took DH to court to have supervision dropped.  The judge agreed.  

It was during that SF's abuse came out.  He was then not allowed to be around his kids until he completed anger management classes among other things.  Same with BM, once he did what CPS wanted him to do he was cleared to be around his kids alone again.

If she is going something that warrents CPS to get involved then that is not his fault.  He has to protect his kids.  He can't worry about what might or might not happen with her.



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 1:42 PM

If it were me, I'd call CPS. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 1:44 PM

It could potentially effect you. You knew about the abuse and didn't repot it...


Quoting LoveMy2x4:

Also....say she hurts one of them again and CPS then gets involved. Being that I knew about it the first time, will that have any affect on me and MY kids???



Raspberry393
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 1:49 PM

Protecting them from getting hurt doesn't have to mean removing their mother entirely from their life.  Ensuring supervised visits would address both concerns quite nicely.

as a parent priority one is the children.... everything after that becomes secondary.  I'm not sure what the hesitation is here.

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