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Instability and domestic violence

Posted by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:14 PM
  • 10 Replies
We have a CO that BM has yet to abide by. Ok, dh and her have a CO and even went to mediation and agreed upon it then got it officiated in front of a judge. Bm gets sd every other weekend , calls twice a week , alternated holidays and split summer in half. Well it's never been followed and that is due to bm and her bipolar. Bm told me the other day she can't even keep up on the phone calls due to her chaotic life. And the chaotic life is the fact that her wife doesn't pay her enough attention, she's jealous of their roommate and a myriad of other personal crisis' that prevent her from being an active mother to sd (9)

Her and her domestic partner seperated back in February. She shacked up with some guy she went to middle school with for about 4 months until she went back to her partner. Things weren't good before they split. Bm actually psychically assaulted her partner and the partner sent dh and I the pictures. They fought in front of sd. They even had an issue out on their boat last summer than resulted in sd getting pushed around by the partner (they both deny it but sd keeps recounting the story word for word and is upset that they are making her out to be lying )
So now that bm and partner are back together things still aren't going good. They are still fighting and not getting along. The roommate is also involved and it just sounds like a very hostile environment. Sd is supposed to go there next week for a month. Dh and I feel very nervous about this. I know we can't keep her from going but we do have reasons to be uneasy. The last time sd was around them they were at odds, fighting and screaming and sd is already so emotionally fragile. Her mother never calls and just doesn't seem to be there.

I guess my question is what would you all do ? Let her go and just pray it goes well ? Keep her home ? We don't have really any grounds to suspect that sd would be hurt. I know bm and partner wouldn't do that. They might hurt each other though. Just really uneasy and I have a nervous stomach. I know there's not much we can do. I'm just wondering what you all think !!!
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by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:26 PM

Does SD have a way to call home or the police if there's an issue?

MrsMama030912
by Member on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:52 PM
We have had her memorize our phone number. I would hope that bm would let her call. She has an iPod here that she can text from. Again I just hope bm let's her use it.
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HilbillyMamaof3
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 10:54 PM
1 mom liked this
I went through this with my bio kids and ex. Him and his SO are violent toward each other. They simply don't go. I don't care what the CO states, and yes I have been reprimanded by the judge, and at one time the judge threatened to put me in jail. I'm pretty outspoken, and once I told my lawyer to sit down so I could talk, the judge actually listened (shocking and luckily).

We have a different arrangement now. They go to his mothers (who has a no-contact order against her) and he stays there with the kids.

I will not have my children in that type of environment. I wish he would find someone not crazy, but I'm sure he brings out the worse in her, lol! At first she seemed ok, and maybe she is now, but things have been like this for awhile now and it works well for us. The kids are ok with it and I don't have to worry about them when they are not with me.

I would go with my gut.. I bought my kids cellphones so if there was ever an issue they have there own phone to call me.

Even though they are not physically hurting her, they are doing damage to her well being. It is very scary for kids to witness that type of hostility and violence. Bm needs to be aware of the damage that is being done.
(((Hugs)))


OvrMyHead
by on Jul. 2, 2013 at 11:31 PM
Personally I would not let my kids go somewhere I didn't feel was safe. I would let DH decide what to do since he is ultimately responsible if something happens. I would give DH my opinion based in whether the Sks would be possibly physically harmed and tell him to make the call.
JacyB
by Bronze Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 12:32 AM
If she never follows the court order are you sure she's actually taking her?

You might try to "get out of it" by speaking to her the next time she calls with :
"Gee, that does sound chaotic. Would it be easier for *you* if sd only stays a week/doesn't go/comes later then planned? We could arrange to meet you guys at *attraction* (zoo, museum whatever) once a week so you won't miss out."

I don't know if she's the kind of person who would bite on that but if you're being empathetic and understanding vs "omg you're not a safe person!" She might be willing to compromise
kmur
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 2:45 AM

 i personally would 1) try and talk to bm, maybe she too might want sd to stay at your house instead, or maybe even want her time shortened and 2) id get sd a cell ph to keep with her in case of emergency

JTROX
by Bronze Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 6:49 AM

If you feel you need to send her, and/or if she wants to go, I would send her with a cell phone so she has an easy way to contact you.  Just get her a simple prepaid phone, such as a Tracphone, that she can keep in her bag unless she needs to call you.

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 10:31 AM

 Unfortunately, you guys waited too long to do anything about it this summer. 

If she's routinely missing visits, you need to file to get visits reduced. 

MrsMama030912
by Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 12:04 PM
Yeah well we were under the impression things were worked out but with bm things never stay consistent for long.
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tiredmama42
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 1:40 PM
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 This is what I did also.   Whenever my kids felt scared or unsafe I would be knocking on the door to get them.    I did it too.  I stated my reasons in court and I won.  


Quoting HilbillyMamaof3:

I would go with my gut.. I bought my kids cellphones so if there was ever an issue they have there own phone to call me.

Even though they are not physically hurting her, they are doing damage to her well being. It is very scary for kids to witness that type of hostility and violence. Bm needs to be aware of the damage that is being done.
(((Hugs)))



 

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