Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

What are your views?

Posted by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:23 AM
  • 52 Replies

DH and I recently had some discussions on an issue we disagreed on initially and I found the article referred to below. What are your views on the two points below:

1. Any decision involving your family should be made with your current wife. If that decision will affect your child, then you should inform your ex-wife, but not the other way around.

2. Don’t base all of your decisions around the child if he isn’t primarily in your home. 

Reference:

http://www.examiner.com/article/man-the-middle-of-his-current-and-ex-spouse

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:23 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
smarterthanyou
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:46 AM

 Totally agree, in MANY cases, it IS the man that needs to get the backbone, that is..........if they REALLY give two shits about thier current marriage

Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 9:58 AM

Hard to comment without specific examples ...

Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 10:14 AM

Let me try ...

1. What does "involving" mean? For example, let's assume it was time to chose secondary school for the child. This decision, whilst it might affect the family from a logistic point of view, primarily affects the child. So no, in this respect, I don't agree that the BF should discuss with the current wife first. He should discuss with the mother of his child first, take back the outcome/options to SM and (a) discuss with her if and when it affects her directly (e.g. she is expected to do school runs) or (b) inform her out of coutesy if it doesn't.

2. What sort of decisions are we talking here?

....ClvrScn.
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 10:41 AM
1 mom liked this

I haven't read your article yet - but here are my opinions on that matter

1. If the decision is going to effect my home, my child or my life in anyway - it needs to be discussed with me, the wife. Otherwise, I couldn't care less. If it is going to effect, SD or BM, their lives or their home in anyway - then discuss it with BM as well. I think each situation should be handled on a case by case basis.

2. I agree whole heartedly - however, some decisions have to be based around kids that don't live with you full time as well. Like which house we wanted to rent - well SD needs a room too.

....ClvrScn.
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 10:44 AM



Quoting Pero3:

Let me try ...

1. What does "involving" mean? For example, let's assume it was time to chose secondary school for the child. This decision, whilst it might affect the family from a logistic point of view, primarily affects the child. So no, in this respect, I don't agree that the BF should discuss with the current wife first. He should discuss with the mother of his child first, take back the outcome/options to SM and (a) discuss with her if and when it affects her directly (e.g. she is expected to do school runs) or (b) inform her out of coutesy if it doesn't.

Scenario - BM wants to put skid in a private school. The school is awesome and a great option for skids strengths.  SM handles finances in their household ( I think this is pretty common, at least with the people in my life, the wife handles finances ) so BF doesn't really know if it's affordable or not. Should BF discuss it with SM before making any decisions, giving BM an answer - or should BF just tell SM the decision has been made, and SM should just adjust the budget accordingly.

In my situation, my husband couldn't tell you how much "extra" is available in our "kids" budget each month..

2. What sort of decisions are we talking here?



Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 10:56 AM



Quoting ....ClvrScn.:



Quoting Pero3:

Let me try ...

1. What does "involving" mean? For example, let's assume it was time to chose secondary school for the child. This decision, whilst it might affect the family from a logistic point of view, primarily affects the child. So no, in this respect, I don't agree that the BF should discuss with the current wife first. He should discuss with the mother of his child first, take back the outcome/options to SM and (a) discuss with her if and when it affects her directly (e.g. she is expected to do school runs) or (b) inform her out of coutesy if it doesn't.

Scenario - BM wants to put skid in a private school. The school is awesome and a great option for skids strengths.  SM handles finances in their household ( I think this is pretty common, at least with the people in my life, the wife handles finances ) so BF doesn't really know if it's affordable or not. Should BF discuss it with SM before making any decisions, giving BM an answer - or should BF just tell SM the decision has been made, and SM should just adjust the budget accordingly.

In my situation, my husband couldn't tell you how much "extra" is available in our "kids" budget each month..

2. What sort of decisions are we talking here?



Absolutely ... but finances is something that affects SM ... unless they have separate kitties.

But let's turn it around ... BM and BF agree during their relationship that their child will attend private school ... do you think that SM should have the right to veto this after x years, provided the money doesn't come out of her personal pocket:?


ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Jul. 3, 2013 at 10:58 AM
2 moms liked this

I didn't read the article. I will just say like Clvrsn said...it think each case is different and it really depends on what it is as far as how it should be handled. I will say that SO  always discusses something with me and gets my opinion on whatever it is before discussing it with BM. or is BM asks him about something or discusses something with him he will then discuss it with me, get my opinion or take on it, and then respond to her. Sometimes I see things differently then he does, and it can be helpful for him to see it from another POV before making a decision and bringing it to BM.

Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 11:38 AM

Quite interesting discussion when I apply it to my life ...

DF and I have separate finances ... we have a joint pot for household expenses, but apart from that, what's his is his and what's mine is mine (which includes our assets and has been put into our wills).

This year, DD went on two school trip in spring (Spain and France) and she'll go on a third (longer one) in the autumn, to China. I didn't discuss this with DF, I discussed it with BF (who agreed she should go ... obviously on my tab) ... and then I informed DF. I didn't see how this would affect DF.

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Jul. 3, 2013 at 11:44 AM
1 mom liked this

I just want to put my two cents in ...

People can change. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that every time BF changes his mind, it is because SM is lurking in the background and vetoing his decisions. I understand that some people have had to deal with an SM that tried to ‘veto’ decisions, but I don’t believe that’s always the case.

Quoting Pero3:

But let's turn it around ... BM and BF agree during their relationship that their child will attend private school ... do you think that SM should have the right to veto this after x years, provided the money doesn't come out of her personal pocket:?

Regarding private school, we actually went through this.

When I was still dating DH, he and BM enrolled SS into a private school. It was a wonderful school. It was also very expensive. DH was struggling to afford half of the preschool tuition, and the price went up each school year. It was also thirty minutes away. DH couldn’t take SS to school, because 1. It was an hour (there and back) commute just to take SS to school, and 2. DH had to be at work before SS could be dropped off. BM really wanted SS to go to this school, so she offered to do all the morning driving.

About halfway through the semester, BM decided DH needed to pay her for all the gas she used. DH told her no, because BM had agreed to do all the driving in exchange for DH’s agreement that this is where SS would go to school (BM wanted it much more than DH). Then they started fighting about the school uniforms, which lead to BM going into DH’s house and stealing all the clothes out of SS’s dresser. They started fighting about school notices - BM would clean out SS’s backpack and refuse to give DH any information. They even fought about who could pick SS up – BM went to the school and told them I was a deranged ex-girlfriend who threaten the life of SS, and the police needed to be called if I was ever seen on the school grounds.

When it was time for Kindergarten enrollment, DH told BM that he wanted SS enrolled into the local public school, because ... 1. Paying the tuition was creating a financial strain for him. 2. The public school was much closer and DH could be involved in pickups and drop-offs. 3. Their initial agreements (BM would do the driving, they would each buy their own uniforms, they would share all information) didn’t even last half of the year, and he didn’t want another year of fights. 4. The public school is a great school that’s been nationally recognized and has a great success rate.

Even though I had absolutely nothing to do with the decisions or DH’s reasons for making his decision, the only thing BM took away from that was – The new girlfriend is making him take SS out of preschool and making him send SS to the public school she went to.   

Eventually, she looked into the school herself and realized it truly was a great school. She even asked for my opinions on what Kindergarten center he should attend, what school sponsored EC’s he should take, and if we couldn’t send him to this district what would I recommend as a second option. That was the first time I had anything to do with SS’s educational decisions. 

yryssa1
by on Jul. 3, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this
Awesome article! This is a must read for my DH. Thanks for sharing :) No opinions on it, just wanted to say thank you!
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)