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Update: bm wanting to move with ss to Texas

Posted by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 8:57 PM
  • 16 Replies
This is an update to a post awhile ago.

My stepson's birth mom has expressed interest in moving to Texas over the past several years. This year she is getting serious about it. Just today she sent my husband an email stating she wants to move to Texas July 31. She would be moving in with her aunt and family (husband and 2 small children). She doesn't have a secure job yet but thinks she can get a temp job or data entry job until she can get her Texas teaching certificate and obtain a teaching position. We all currently live in south Florida and have ever since ss7 was born. Bm is an only child and her parents recently moved to central fl, her fiancé left her leaving her with no support system where we all currently live. Bm was also let go from her teaching position this year and hasn't found a replacement position yet (she isn't looking very hard either). So bm wants to move to Texas to be closer to family. Just a little background info...ss doesn't know this family he has met them a handful of times and was too young to remember even meeting them, this family is also not blood related. The aunt is her mom's step sister.

Our background: we have a very stable family life. We have been married 4 years and will be having our 3rd little girl very soon. So ss has a very loving and involved birth father, 2 sister that adore him as he adores them (3rd sissy on the way which he picked her name), and stay at home step mom. We are finacially well off and treat ss as he is just one of the other kids. He has his own room, clothes, toys, and family nearby.

So again how do you answer her question on moving? We don't want to hold her back but it just doesn't sound like a stable situation. She hasn't proposed a new parenting plan either nor has she even talked about it with ss. Ss is very attached to both his parents so we feel he would be devasted to be taken away from one of them. We also fear this other family will eventually get annoyed with them living in their house.

So far we have offered bm finacial assistance to move closer to us so we could be her support system. Offered for her to move to Texas and establish herself then we will bring ss to live with her. Ss to live with us full time and visit her (until she can get her life back on track).

So what would you do? FYI: her rental lease is up July 31 and she is currently unemployed.
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 8:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 12:07 AM
3 moms liked this
If *I* were the NCP and the CP were asking to move my child states away, all of the stuff you listed above would not even cross my mind. My thoughts would be: what about my relationship with my child? How is taking my child away from me good for my child? I am against moving away from the child. I am against moving the child away from the other parent. So *I* personally would not support the move and I would make sure my court order and paperwork are in order to make sure that my child is not moved states away from me.

I personally do not care that SS doesn't know the family or that the aunt is a 'step' aunt. I also don't care that mom doesn't have a job secured where she is moving. There really is no good reason in my book to move a child that far away from an involved parent. I know there are times that jobs cause moves and depending on the circumstances and the distance, my opinion could be different. But in this case, if dad is against being that far away from his child, regardless of the other things you listed, then he needs to tell her no he won't support his child moving to Texas. If all he is worried about is the aunt, the no job, then let her go. Don't attach strings to her moving. She can take the child to Texas. I personally wouldn't do it.
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AtillaTheHun
by facta, non verba on Jul. 5, 2013 at 6:11 AM
1 mom liked this

If your husband does not want his child to be moved so far away from him, he needs to contact a lawyer asap and start legal action to keep her from doing so. She has nothing where she wants to go. I probably would go as far as asking to custody until everything is sorted out on BM´s end. This is not a good situation for the child, being moved to a place into a home with people he doesn´t even know, and on top of that so far away from his father. It is more important for the child to be able to have a relationship with his father than "getting to know" BM´s extended family. You have offered help if she would stay in the area, which she has obviously not accepted (do you have documentation such as texts or emails to prove it?) Only a court order can prevent her from taking off with the kid. 

Here is a link you can check out about the law in FL regarding relocation with a child: 

http://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-children/florida-child-custody-relocation-laws  

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 7:15 AM

He should file a motion asking the court to reverse custody (give him primary custody) if she moves.

bottomline
by Silver Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 8:54 AM

 Your DH needs to make a phone call to his lawyer to stop bm from taking his child away. I think it would be devastating for SS to not have his father in the picture any more. So DH has got to make sure that doesn't happen.

tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 10:57 AM

I agree with the above.  I had a a gf who wanted to move and take the kids to Fl and she was a teacher.  Her ex did not agree.  Judge told her to get a job here otherwise custody would be given to the father.  I would not agree to anything I would do it through the court.  I dont even think you have to have a atty.  Most papers in our state say you cant move over 150 miles without approval.     I would instruct her to follow the proper steps so their is a custody revision no matter what the outcome is.  Its so much harder to fix when people are in seperate state.

JacyB
by Bronze Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 1:33 PM
I agree the "reasons" you gave are a bit silly. She doesn't have job here or there so it's irrelevant. SS doesn't know your baby in utereo, is that a valid reason to stop him from living with her/getting to know her? Your kids might get annoyed with him living with you, is that a valid reason not to have him ? Of course not. Those are just excuses. It's good she hasn't told SS until she has valid plans in place that have been discussed and agreed to by the ADULTS involved. There's no reason to excite/disappoint him until everything is settled and it's definitely happening.

That being said, I think your husband is right not to agree to the move for the reasons momof2 gave.



Quoting momof2ex1:

If *I* were the NCP and the CP were asking to move my child states away, all of the stuff you listed above would not even cross my mind. My thoughts would be: what about my relationship with my child? How is taking my child away from me good for my child? I am against moving away from the child. I am against moving the child away from the other parent. So *I* personally would not support the move and I would make sure my court order and paperwork are in order to make sure that my child is not moved states away from me.



I personally do not care that SS doesn't know the family or that the aunt is a 'step' aunt. I also don't care that mom doesn't have a job secured where she is moving. There really is no good reason in my book to move a child that far away from an involved parent. I know there are times that jobs cause moves and depending on the circumstances and the distance, my opinion could be different. But in this case, if dad is against being that far away from his child, regardless of the other things you listed, then he needs to tell her no he won't support his child moving to Texas. If all he is worried about is the aunt, the no job, then let her go. Don't attach strings to her moving. She can take the child to Texas. I personally wouldn't do it.
lnr187
by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 4:19 PM

 what does the CO say about parents moving? what is the current visitation schedule? i would never let someone move away with my child without putting up a fight. i would tell her that she is more than welcome to move, but ss stays. she can have visitation.

KJH618
by Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 6:30 PM
Quoting lnr187:

 what does the CO say about parents moving? what is the current visitation schedule? i would never let someone move away with my child without putting up a fight. i would tell her that she is more than welcome to move, but ss stays. she can have visitation.




That was dh response. He told bm that she was welcome to move but their son needed to live with him. She wasn't in favor of that idea. Legally I believe she can't move without his permission which he clearly stated he was not in agreeance to her moving any further away than she already is and/or causing the distance to miss his scheduled parenting time. It's just so annoying bc we deal with this issue almost every summer. For the past 4 years she has been told she didn't have a teaching position for the following year. We are not trying to get him full time but we are always willing to take over the custodial parent role. It's just frustrating that we deal with this dilemma every year. Its also frustrating to see ss moved around so much when he could be settled and comfortable at our house. He doesn't get a chance to really been involved in sports, clubs, or have friends bc they move so much. It's almost like she is in the military but reality is she is an unhappy school teacher who can't keep a job or keep relationships.

We are just going to let it play out and hopefully she figures something out. Do you all really think we need to contact our attoney over this?
lnr187
by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 6:58 PM

 if she make a decision to move and is dead set on taking ss, then yes you will need a lawyer. but if she chooses to move without him, or to stay, then you won't.

i agree that it is very frustrating when the OP moves constantly. bm in my sitch moves constantly. luckily dh is custodial so it doesn't interfere with ss ec, friends, etc too much, except for summer.

Quoting KJH618:

Quoting lnr187:

 what does the CO say about parents moving? what is the current visitation schedule? i would never let someone move away with my child without putting up a fight. i would tell her that she is more than welcome to move, but ss stays. she can have visitation.




That was dh response. He told bm that she was welcome to move but their son needed to live with him. She wasn't in favor of that idea. Legally I believe she can't move without his permission which he clearly stated he was not in agreeance to her moving any further away than she already is and/or causing the distance to miss his scheduled parenting time. It's just so annoying bc we deal with this issue almost every summer. For the past 4 years she has been told she didn't have a teaching position for the following year. We are not trying to get him full time but we are always willing to take over the custodial parent role. It's just frustrating that we deal with this dilemma every year. Its also frustrating to see ss moved around so much when he could be settled and comfortable at our house. He doesn't get a chance to really been involved in sports, clubs, or have friends bc they move so much. It's almost like she is in the military but reality is she is an unhappy school teacher who can't keep a job or keep relationships.

We are just going to let it play out and hopefully she figures something out. Do you all really think we need to contact our attoney over this?

 

KJH618
by Member on Jul. 5, 2013 at 7:33 PM

 thank you for providing this link.  It was helpful and insightful.  Last time I posted about this possible move I got bashed for being against it....now its the opposite.  We don't want anything to change with our family situation or parenting schedule unless we can get more time.  We are all happy except BM.  She is in a low point of her life and really wants to be in Texas around her family so she can have someone to party with and hang out with.  Her fiance recently left her otherwise we wouldn't be having this problem.  she is depressed and this is what she thinks is the solution to all her problems.  she says she has the child's best interest in mind but reality she is being selfish and only has her own best interests in mind.  My husband is so against it but I seriously just want to pay for a 2 bedroom apartment for her so she will move even closer to us.  Right now we have a 1 hour drive between houses which really limits us being involved in school activities and sports.  My girls love to cheer their brother on at baseball but when his game starts at 6pm an hour away from our house and their bedtime is 7pm its really hard to make many games.  I am financially very fortunate and feel very lucky that I have never had to worry about money.  My dad (the reason why I'm financially set) is also against supporting BM.  He has a strong work ethic and has a hard time even with me being a stay at home mom...thinks I should work and put my kids in daycare even though my mom was a shm and still is.  I have a hard time just handing the money over too because BM is such a bitch to us most of the time but on the other hand I'm so sad to hear my ss say I wish we could live closer, I wish you could come eat lunch with me at school, I wish you could come to my baseball game, I wish I didn't have such a long car ride to see you, ect.  It breaks my heart.  This little boy LOVES his family: mom, dad, stepmom, and sisters....I can't see taking any of them away from him so he can live with his BM's extended family.  That's what school vacations are for...she used to take him to texas every summer for about 2 weeks but stopped a few years ago.  My family is all in PA...I understand very well the "want" to be closer to them.  We have so much fun when we visit and I am never short of a babysitter or something fun to do.  I would love to live in PA closer to my family but we don't want to move away from ss so we just go visit as often as we can.  My children including ss have an amazing relationship with their extended family aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins because both sides put the effort into keeping that relationship.  We skype, facetime, and visit.  They come to us and we go to them. Yes, it would be awesome to all be in the same city but we aren't so we make the best of it.  That's how I feel BM should be too


Quoting AtillaTheHun:

If your husband does not want his child to be moved so far away from him, he needs to contact a lawyer asap and start legal action to keep her from doing so. She has nothing where she wants to go. I probably would go as far as asking to custody until everything is sorted out on BM´s end. This is not a good situation for the child, being moved to a place into a home with people he doesn´t even know, and on top of that so far away from his father. It is more important for the child to be able to have a relationship with his father than "getting to know" BM´s extended family. You have offered help if she would stay in the area, which she has obviously not accepted (do you have documentation such as texts or emails to prove it?) Only a court order can prevent her from taking off with the kid. 

Here is a link you can check out about the law in FL regarding relocation with a child: 

http://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-children/florida-child-custody-relocation-laws  


 

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