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Having my safe haven???

Posted by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 9:28 PM
  • 78 Replies

A few weeks back myself, DD and skids all went to visit my family.  My parents and extended family have been very active in skids life since I started dating their dad. I have always lived a distance from them though so I do not get up there to see them very much and skids only see them once maybe twice a year. 

DH did not go on the trip due to work. Our plans were to arrive early evening Wednesday and leave early afternoon Saturday. So really we only had two days to spend time and see my family. There were some things skids were wanting to do next time they went down there which ended up taking up the whole day on Wed and Thurs. I knew when planning that we were not going to have much free time at all. It was a busy short trip.


So to my safe haven.... When DH and I started dating I quickly realized that little of my life was going to be a secret from BM which I didn't mind. I wanted her to know I was an open book so she knew who I was and could trust me around skids. One thing we always kept from her though was my hometown. She never asked and we never told her. In the beginning up until maybe 4-5 years ago anytime skids came with me to my parents/hometown DH was with us. BM always had a way to contact skids if she wanted to talk we just never gave her our exact location.


Times I went by myself or with my DD was kind of like an escape for me. I knew BM didn't know where I was and honestly there was some peace in that. She was never given my parents phone number, it's unlisted anyways. Up until 2 years ago, BM didn't even know the name of the town I was from. It's a very small town, very country, not easy to find kind of place. She obviously knows now because skids were finally able to remember the name and even informed me that she had friends she visits in a town 45 mins away from my hometown. That was even a little to close for comfort for me. lol


So this trip a few weeks ago we didn't tell skids until the night before we left because I didn't want BM to know we were going. The night before we left BM hadn't called to talk to skids during the times that is listed in the court order which is 7am-7pm. So after 7 DH and I went ahead and told them and they were super excited. Well, BM calls shortly afterwards and even though it was after 7pm of course we let her talk to them. They told her we were going there and it exploded. After she was done talking to skids she asked DH if she could drive down to where we would be so she could see them. Little alarms were going off because this is my safe haven! I didn't even know she had talked to DH but he had already told her no just because we had so much stuff planned and there really wouldn't be time.


Now to clarify, if BM had actually driven down to my hometown I would not have denied her seeing them. That night before we left DH sent her an email reminding her of the phone number she would need to call so she could talk to skids during the stay. We set up a google voice number since my cell phone has no reception down at my parents. (Very small town!) I had that number routed to my mom's cell phone so it would ring her phone without having to give out her actual cell number. As soon as he sent that email she sent one back stating she was still in disbelief that DH was refusing to allow her to see skids while they were in the state.  


My hometown is 3 1/2 hours from where BM lives. It's not in her "area" just happens to be back in our home state where she lives.


I was tense the whole time thinking she was going to show up. My parents address is not listed anywhere, they live on a farm with an address that is nearly impossible to even describe to the UPS man! Iknew she wouldn't find their house but figured she would come to town and then call and tell the boys she was there. (If she did come) In the end she didn't.


I felt bad because DH told her no but I like having my hometown as my escape place. I have given up basically every other part of my life to be an open book for her, am I allowed to have this one thing?


Sorry so long! :(

by on Jul. 5, 2013 at 9:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JacyB
by Bronze Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 12:35 AM
Um, no as long as your taking HER children there.

If it was just "yours", sure, but YOU made the decision to share it.


Quoting stepmommy2:

A few weeks back myself, DD and skids all went to visit my family.  My parents and extended family have been very active in skids life since I started dating their dad. I have always lived a distance from them though so I do not get up there to see them very much and skids only see them once maybe twice a year. 

DH did not go on the trip due to work. Our plans were to arrive early evening Wednesday and leave early afternoon Saturday. So really we only had two days to spend time and see my family. There were some things skids were wanting to do next time they went down there which ended up taking up the whole day on Wed and Thurs. I knew when planning that we were not going to have much free time at all. It was a busy short trip.


So to my safe haven.... When DH and I started dating I quickly realized that little of my life was going to be a secret from BM which I didn't mind. I wanted her to know I was an open book so she knew who I was and could trust me around skids. One thing we always kept from her though was my hometown. She never asked and we never told her. In the beginning up until maybe 4-5 years ago anytime skids came with me to my parents/hometown DH was with us. BM always had a way to contact skids if she wanted to talk we just never gave her our exact location.


Times I went by myself or with my DD was kind of like an escape for me. I knew BM didn't know where I was and honestly there was some peace in that. She was never given my parents phone number, it's unlisted anyways. Up until 2 years ago, BM didn't even know the name of the town I was from. It's a very small town, very country, not easy to find kind of place. She obviously knows now because skids were finally able to remember the name and even informed me that she had friends she visits in a town 45 mins away from my hometown. That was even a little to close for comfort for me. lol


So this trip a few weeks ago we didn't tell skids until the night before we left because I didn't want BM to know we were going. The night before we left BM hadn't called to talk to skids during the times that is listed in the court order which is 7am-7pm. So after 7 DH and I went ahead and told them and they were super excited. Well, BM calls shortly afterwards and even though it was after 7pm of course we let her talk to them. They told her we were going there and it exploded. After she was done talking to skids she asked DH if she could drive down to where we would be so she could see them. Little alarms were going off because this is my safe haven! I didn't even know she had talked to DH but he had already told her no just because we had so much stuff planned and there really wouldn't be time.


Now to clarify, if BM had actually driven down to my hometown I would not have denied her seeing them. That night before we left DH sent her an email reminding her of the phone number she would need to call so she could talk to skids during the stay. We set up a google voice number since my cell phone has no reception down at my parents. (Very small town!) I had that number routed to my mom's cell phone so it would ring her phone without having to give out her actual cell number. As soon as he sent that email she sent one back stating she was still in disbelief that DH was refusing to allow her to see skids while they were in the state.  


My hometown is 3 1/2 hours from where BM lives. It's not in her "area" just happens to be back in our home state where she lives.


I was tense the whole time thinking she was going to show up. My parents address is not listed anywhere, they live on a farm with an address that is nearly impossible to even describe to the UPS man! Iknew she wouldn't find their house but figured she would come to town and then call and tell the boys she was there. (If she did come) In the end she didn't.


I felt bad because DH told her no but I like having my hometown as my escape place. I have given up basically every other part of my life to be an open book for her, am I allowed to have this one thing?


Sorry so long! :(

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 12:41 AM
I don't think she needs to know the address where your parents live or their phone number. I think sharing the town name is ok. That's enough info to share. She should know the location of her kids and you set up a way for her to contact them.
packermomof2
by on Jul. 6, 2013 at 1:03 AM
2 moms liked this

You don't get to take her kids with you and expect it to just be yours.  You don't have to take her kids with you when you go if you don't want her there.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 1:11 AM
2 moms liked this

I completely agree with this. As their parent, she deserves to know exactly where her children will be.


Quoting packermomof2:

You don't get to take her kids with you and expect it to just be yours.  You don't have to take her kids with you when you go if you don't want her there.



momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 2:17 AM
2 moms liked this
This is what I hate so much about my situation. My child. My life. My right to know. As soon as you get divorced all of a sudden you are only 'allowed' to know 50% of their lives. Because it might infringe on someone else's privacy. My opinion: you want privacy, don't marry someone with an ex and kids.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I completely agree with this. As their parent, she deserves to know exactly where her children will be.



Quoting packermomof2:

You don't get to take her kids with you and expect it to just be yours.  You don't have to take her kids with you when you go if you don't want her there.





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 2:18 AM
1 mom liked this
Sure you are allowed to have this one thing. Just don't take her children with you.


Quoting stepmommy2:

A few weeks back myself, DD and skids all went to visit my family.  My parents and extended family have been very active in skids life since I started dating their dad. I have always lived a distance from them though so I do not get up there to see them very much and skids only see them once maybe twice a year. 

DH did not go on the trip due to work. Our plans were to arrive early evening Wednesday and leave early afternoon Saturday. So really we only had two days to spend time and see my family. There were some things skids were wanting to do next time they went down there which ended up taking up the whole day on Wed and Thurs. I knew when planning that we were not going to have much free time at all. It was a busy short trip.


So to my safe haven.... When DH and I started dating I quickly realized that little of my life was going to be a secret from BM which I didn't mind. I wanted her to know I was an open book so she knew who I was and could trust me around skids. One thing we always kept from her though was my hometown. She never asked and we never told her. In the beginning up until maybe 4-5 years ago anytime skids came with me to my parents/hometown DH was with us. BM always had a way to contact skids if she wanted to talk we just never gave her our exact location.


Times I went by myself or with my DD was kind of like an escape for me. I knew BM didn't know where I was and honestly there was some peace in that. She was never given my parents phone number, it's unlisted anyways. Up until 2 years ago, BM didn't even know the name of the town I was from. It's a very small town, very country, not easy to find kind of place. She obviously knows now because skids were finally able to remember the name and even informed me that she had friends she visits in a town 45 mins away from my hometown. That was even a little to close for comfort for me. lol


So this trip a few weeks ago we didn't tell skids until the night before we left because I didn't want BM to know we were going. The night before we left BM hadn't called to talk to skids during the times that is listed in the court order which is 7am-7pm. So after 7 DH and I went ahead and told them and they were super excited. Well, BM calls shortly afterwards and even though it was after 7pm of course we let her talk to them. They told her we were going there and it exploded. After she was done talking to skids she asked DH if she could drive down to where we would be so she could see them. Little alarms were going off because this is my safe haven! I didn't even know she had talked to DH but he had already told her no just because we had so much stuff planned and there really wouldn't be time.


Now to clarify, if BM had actually driven down to my hometown I would not have denied her seeing them. That night before we left DH sent her an email reminding her of the phone number she would need to call so she could talk to skids during the stay. We set up a google voice number since my cell phone has no reception down at my parents. (Very small town!) I had that number routed to my mom's cell phone so it would ring her phone without having to give out her actual cell number. As soon as he sent that email she sent one back stating she was still in disbelief that DH was refusing to allow her to see skids while they were in the state.  


My hometown is 3 1/2 hours from where BM lives. It's not in her "area" just happens to be back in our home state where she lives.


I was tense the whole time thinking she was going to show up. My parents address is not listed anywhere, they live on a farm with an address that is nearly impossible to even describe to the UPS man! Iknew she wouldn't find their house but figured she would come to town and then call and tell the boys she was there. (If she did come) In the end she didn't.


I felt bad because DH told her no but I like having my hometown as my escape place. I have given up basically every other part of my life to be an open book for her, am I allowed to have this one thing?


Sorry so long! :(


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 2:48 AM

Yep :)

I'll be honest, it drives me INSANE how much BM (and BM's mom) knows about my life and my children. But, I deal, and vent in here about it. I couldn't withhold information about SD or SD's whereabouts to protect my life from BM. It's wrong. 


Quoting momof2ex1:

This is what I hate so much about my situation. My child. My life. My right to know. As soon as you get divorced all of a sudden you are only 'allowed' to know 50% of their lives. Because it might infringe on someone else's privacy. My opinion: you want privacy, don't marry someone with an ex and kids.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I completely agree with this. As their parent, she deserves to know exactly where her children will be.



Quoting packermomof2:

You don't get to take her kids with you and expect it to just be yours.  You don't have to take her kids with you when you go if you don't want her there.







whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 7:43 AM
3 moms liked this

I don't think you are allowed to keep your destination a secret from the stepkid's mom. I  think she had a right to know where they were going to be.

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jul. 6, 2013 at 8:19 AM
1 mom liked this

leave the kids with their dad if you don't want mom to know about your destinations...

Talis
by on Jul. 6, 2013 at 8:57 AM
2 moms liked this

when my SD is with us, i have nothing left that is just mine. BM calls almost every evening she is here and gets a revised version of all that was done that day. But i agree, if u took the skids with you, it is no longer your safe haven, if alone that is a whole different story. But when you agreed to marry their Dad you also agreed to give up pretty much anything you had that was just yours. Its the sacrifice of SM. When i married my husband i agreed to myself that SD would never feel like an outsider, she is a part of my family, just as i am a part of hers. She may not be my blood, she made not call me mom, but i will always treat her as one of my own.

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