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Why Should Mom and SM get along?

Posted by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 12:34 AM
  • 61 Replies

If mom and dad get along, is there really any good reason why SM and mom NEED to get along?  Now, I'm not saying they need to fight and bicker, but what about just civility?  Hi, how's the weather, type things, if that?  Does it really hurt anything if mom doesn't talk to sm about her kids, visitation, etc?  If so, what does it hurt?

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to James Madison

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by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 12:34 AM
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by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 12:42 AM
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I don't think it hurts anything at all. I do not communicate with or talk to BM about her kids or anything for that matter. That's my DH's job. If for any reason I come into contact with her I only say what's needed then go on my way.
by Ruby Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 1:07 AM
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I think it would be wonderful if SM and I could get along. If we got along I am wondering if a lot of the mess my child deals with over there would not be happening. Say, maybe SM thought of me as a nice person that she gets along with and has no issues with. Maybe if she respected me because she saw me as a good mom or just a nice person in general. Maybe my daughter wouldn't have to deal with all the anger and obsession that takes place over there. It would be nice if we could be civil and get along. I can think of a lot of positive things that could come from it.

I am beginning to come to the opinion that when you treat someone as if they don't matter, as if they are not a human being at all because you didn't marry them, you didn't have a child with them, you don't want anything to do with them, you're causing your own drama.
I don't want anything to do with SM but I have good reason. She is responsible for her own behavior and past actions and I'm not a very forgiving person. But maybe if I didn't have the attitude that she wasn't a human being in the beginning, we might have gotten off on to a different foot. Maybe if she didn't have preconceived notions about me before even laying eyes on me, maybe I would have treated her like a human being. I don't know. But I can't see what it would hurt in a mom and SM getting along. I can tell you the damage that is caused by the two women NOT getting along. The list is extremely long.
by Silver Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 1:12 AM
3 moms liked this

They should "get along" because they are both grown ups, and it's not that hard to be polite to someone. That's all getting along is, really- the "Sure is a hot summer, huh?," "Nice to see you," etc. 

I can't see any need for communication beyond such niceties. So far it hasn't hurt my life, or DH & SS's life, in any way. 

I don't have anything against BM, but I also don't have much to say to her either. 

by Platinum Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 1:22 AM
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They should for sake of a child.

Now I am not talking about becoming best friends. But a litle acceptance will get you to better place.

by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 6:36 AM

It's fine. My stepkids' mother and I exchange civilites and that's the extent of our interaction.

There was a time, for years, when she wouldn't even do that. I'd either get ignored completey or I'd get a "hummpfft" from her. Now, though, she's much better. I get a fake smile with the squinty eyes, but hey, I'll take it.

My husband does all the communicating and co-parenting with her, and he does a great job, so there is no need for me to get involved in any of that.

by Gold Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 6:57 AM
I think it makes things easier for everyone if mom and sm can get along or be civil. Mom doesn't have to discuss things about the children w/sm such as visitation etc but it's nice if everyone can at least be civil to each other.
by Silver Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 7:26 AM
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It's better for the kids if it s a healthy, friendly relationship. Both parties need to be able to maintain a civil, social relationship on par with the teacher at a school, for example. Adults are friendly and respectful to the teacher, but really not involved OE informed about her personal life. The relationship is based on and centered around the child.

When there is a negative relationship between SM and BM, it us going to affect the kids. Their self-esteem suffers when their own mother is treated rudely or they question why they are exposed to this 'horrible' person in the case of the SM.

There are many benefits of a positive relationship that go beyond what could be listed here. The bottom line is, though, if you can't maintain a positive relationship, then find a way to have a civil one. Getting along isn't essential, but a negative relationship is bad for everyone.
by Ruby Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 8:25 AM
I consider being civil getting along for BM and SM and I think being civil is what decent people would do at least.
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by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 8:45 AM

Ehhh, this is a hard one.  I would like to have a good relationship with the stepmom/girlfriend.  There is a woman my ex sees but she hasn't met my kids or myself yet.  He doesn't want to deal with the drama of having them around somebody else, the drama of her thinking she is taking over the kids, etc.  He thinks it's all basically drama and he's too old to go through that. I don't think it would hurt anything for the mom and stepmom to not talk about things that are better left for the parents to discuss.  I think it would cause less problems actually.  I don't talk to my stepdaughters mom on a regular basis and it works fine for us.  At the same time, a lot could probaly be handled better if we did talk.  But who knows if that is actually what would happen? 

by Platinum Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:47 AM
I don't think mom has to talk about the kids to SM. I do think small talk that BM would have with any other person she met needs to be done with SM.
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