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My 18 year old niece is pregnant and about to become a SM! Advice?

Posted by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 1:12 AM
  • 17 Replies

My 18 year old niece, a freshman in college recently started dating a 20 year old boy who has a 1 1/2 year old baby from a previous girlfriend.  (so why didn't he figure out how to prevent baby #2?).  Soon after they started dating my niece became pregnant; they are getting married and the baby is due at the end of the year.  The boy works and my brother and sister-in-law have purchased a home for them to live in so my niece will be able to continue her education.  I think my brother is doing everything he can to insure the best future possible for his daughter and grandchild, but this has been a huge shock to our family.   Do any of you ladies have any similiar experiences like this in your family?   How did your situations turn out?  Is there anything else as an aunt that I should do for my niece?  I am giving her a baby shower and have tried to be supportive and loving, but I don't know of anything else to do.   I worry because my niece will be living 4 hours away from home and will only have the boy's family to help her (and none of us have met them or know anything about them).

by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 1:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
AllieGrey
by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 1:13 AM
I got pregnant with DS at fifteen and just gave birth to DD who we decided to give up for adoption. Help her out but not to much. We do everything on our own for our baby.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 8:48 AM
5 moms liked this

It sounds like your brother and SIL are doing their best for their daughter. It also sounds like they want her to finish college, and I would probably do the same thing. If I were her mother, I'd be looking down the road to her being a single mother and supporting that baby on her own. Therefore finishing college is imperative. 

I'd put the house in her name only. If they do get married, I'd require him to sign a quit-claim deed so that if they divorce, she gets the house and does not have to split it with him.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 8:53 AM
3 moms liked this

oh - and as for advice to her as a new SM - 

I'd tell her, focus on your own baby and on finishing college. There is no room to focus on your husband's child. Let him be a great dad to his child, but dont' get all wrapped up in being a mom, or mom 2.0 or whatever, to the stepchild. 

I say this because, given the details, your niece's marriage is statistically likely to fail. And she just can't be wasting her precious resources on fighting for territory with this child. This includes providing significant childcare, arguing with BM, worrying about BM in any way, shape or form, worrying about the stepchild, worrying about child support and whether BM is spending it getting her hair done - none of that. That is all a waste of energy for your niece. Her only concerns should be taking care of her own baby, and finishing school.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 12:54 PM
1 mom liked this

I married DH at 18 and had DS at 19. SD was 2 1/2 when DS was born. DH and I are getting ready to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.

We had some rough patches here and there financially, but with a lot of hard work we were able to pull through on our own.

There's every chance in the world that things will turn out completely fine. If they're going to make it or if they're going to fail, they have to do it on their own. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 2:22 PM


Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

sure, you beat the odds. and this girl might beat the odds too. That would be great. But, if she does not, it is good to have a back-up plan (single motherhood, with a college degree).

What I would hate to see  happen is this girl getting all distracted by step issues, and losing focus on her education, maybe putting it aside, making sacrifices for her stepchild (and paying his CS for him, that kind of thing), and then the marriage falls apart and she has no education and no stepchild, nothing.

I have watched very young SMs go all gung-ho with the step thing, and it can be a big distraction. I went all gung-ho over the step thing as a new SM but I was 40 years old with a career already and my own kids were tweens. That would be my fear for this young lady, that the step sitation sets her back. As it is, being a new mom will be hard enough.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I married DH at 18 and had DS at 19. SD was 2 1/2 when DS was born. DH and I are getting ready to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.

We had some rough patches here and there financially, but with a lot of hard work we were able to pull through on our own.

There's every chance in the world that things will turn out completely fine. If they're going to make it or if they're going to fail, they have to do it on their own. 



CFSTBSM27
by Silver Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 2:40 PM
I'm a little surprised they just "bought" them a house I would think that would inhibit becoming responsible adults able to take care of themselves but I suppose their doing what they think is best but I wouldn't have done that.... But I'm sure your niece will do just fine as long as she stays focuses on bettering herself and her childs life without the troublesome distractions that can (for some not all) come with a blended family. Why have you not met his family? Maybe someone should have a get together everyone,get to know eachother a little bit
Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 3:11 PM


My brother is leaving the house in his name.  He says they can live in the house rent free for now and the boy is to pay the utilities, buy the groceries, etc. and keep up the yard.  He has told my niece that when she graduates, they can pay rent, move, or buy the house, but they can't continue to live there rent-free.  He will give her a few months to find a job (she is studying to be a teacher so will need the summer to find a job).   Thanks for your advice.  My thoughts are that my brother is preparing for  the worst---his daughter to be on her own.  Statistics are not in her favor.

Quoting whatIknownow:

It sounds like your brother and SIL are doing their best for their daughter. It also sounds like they want her to finish college, and I would probably do the same thing. If I were her mother, I'd be looking down the road to her being a single mother and supporting that baby on her own. Therefore finishing college is imperative. 

I'd put the house in her name only. If they do get married, I'd require him to sign a quit-claim deed so that if they divorce, she gets the house and does not have to split it with him.



Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 3:19 PM


We wonder too why the boy has not introduced his parents to my brother and sister-in-law when they are in area visiting their daughter (my niece) at school.  As for the rest of our family, we all live four hours north of where my niece attends college.  I'm giving my niece a baby shower this fall and when I mentioned inviting the boy's mother to come up for the shower my SIL, said not to invite her as she was sure the boy's family would have their own shower in their town!  Whatever!  I thought the baby's paternal grandmother was always invited to the showers no matter who gave them.  Am I wrong about that?

Quoting CFSTBSM27:

I'm a little surprised they just "bought" them a house I would think that would inhibit becoming responsible adults able to take care of themselves but I suppose their doing what they think is best but I wouldn't have done that.... But I'm sure your niece will do just fine as long as she stays focuses on bettering herself and her childs life without the troublesome distractions that can (for some not all) come with a blended family. Why have you not met his family? Maybe someone should have a get together everyone,get to know eachother a little bit



Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 3:21 PM


Oh, buying a $50,000, house has a monthly payment of $250, but an apartment rent is at least $650 in this college town so my brother is saving money and getting a tax break.   That is his reason for buying the house.   

Quoting Seychelles1409:


We wonder too why the boy has not introduced his parents to my brother and sister-in-law when they are in area visiting their daughter (my niece) at school.  As for the rest of our family, we all live four hours north of where my niece attends college.  I'm giving my niece a baby shower this fall and when I mentioned inviting the boy's mother to come up for the shower my SIL, said not to invite her as she was sure the boy's family would have their own shower in their town!  Whatever!  I thought the baby's paternal grandmother was always invited to the showers no matter who gave them.  Am I wrong about that?

Quoting CFSTBSM27:

I'm a little surprised they just "bought" them a house I would think that would inhibit becoming responsible adults able to take care of themselves but I suppose their doing what they think is best but I wouldn't have done that.... But I'm sure your niece will do just fine as long as she stays focuses on bettering herself and her childs life without the troublesome distractions that can (for some not all) come with a blended family. Why have you not met his family? Maybe someone should have a get together everyone,get to know eachother a little bit





OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 3:29 PM
1 mom liked this
I would just stress how important finishing her education and bong able to support herself is. Also, I would encourage her to use bc or baby #2 will come.
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