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Charging DH for kids mess (L&L style)

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I'm at a loss of how to deal with the skids messes.  I don't ask anything of them (that's a long story - but I just don't) but I DO ask DH to "make sure IT'S taken care of" and he can either ask the skids or do it himself, whatever he likes. I'm not their maid.  So, sometimes he doesn't pay attention or isn't there.  I decided to "charge" DH  in Love & Logic style - you know - "I'm happy to take care of it but I charge hefty fees"  I'm not sure how to make him "pay up" but we have decided on a monthly allowance each of us gets for our own spending money and I can always just reimburse myself the way we have it set up - Anyways - what do you ladies think about this approach to this frustration?  I'm frustrated from feeling resentful and having no one around that cares more than me about their stuff.  At least this makes me care a little less if I'm getting somewhat compensated.  ;)

by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:19 PM
Replies (11-20):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 12:51 PM

I want a maid and I'm a SAHM. It would be awesome if someone could come in once a week and deep clean the kitchen and bathrooms. With 4 kiddos and 4-5 appointments a week for SD and DD, the help around the house would be amazing. DH works about 50-55 hours a week and right now, the kids are home all day for summer vacation.

I'd feel weird having someone come in more than that though. My MIL had a cleaning lady that came in once a week and my MIL would literally just sit there on the couch in her pajamas drinking coffee while her cleaning lady worked around her. I couldn't do that.

And to OP, I think marriage counseling is a good first step. 


Quoting minimoo:

Ugh...I want a maid. I don't know how I'm going to keep up w it all when I start working. Most of my neighbors have maids. Most of them are also sahms. I couldn't justify one staying home, but now...hmm.

My grandma had cleaning ladies when I was growing up. She had a huge 8000+sq ft house, beautiful 1800s style house. She was really anal about cleaning too. That coupled with her medical/memory issues due to strokes, she usually "fired" them frequently. Nobody kept it to her standards. They would always called my grandpa "your wife just fired me again. She found a spot of dust." He would respond "haha thanks for letting me know. I will see you again on Wednesday." Grandma always forgot she fired someone. We had to laugh; shortly before she passed, she had extreme dementia and some at home nurses. She kept trying to fire the nurses BC she thought they were cleaning ladies and could not understand why they just weren't doing their jobs. She would call me or her mom "this lady refuses to vacuum and when I told her to get out, she won't leave!" It was adorable. One of us would go over, calm her down and distract her. After Grandma passed, I started cleaning for my grandpa (summers and weekends while I was in school). It was great BC he would come home for lunch and we would hang out before he went back to his office. I think he just needed some companionship more than anything (although poor man did not know how to do his own laundry). I never regret those days.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I asked my husband tonight what he thought about us hiring someone twice a month to do the random cleaning that I can't get to recently. Like baseboards and ceiling fans, bathrooms etc.
he said we are just lazy and need to get more exercise which will give us more energy.

..........

I said ok you go get more exercise, I'm going to keep working my 45 hour a week job, work a little harder on home cooked meals and hire a maid.... Lol


Quoting whatIknownow:

yeah, I don't know about using L&L on an adult partner.

How about hiring a cleaning lady?







cLanief
by Bronze Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 12:55 PM
Tell the sks to clean up their shit lol. Plain and simple like. My so is compeltely responsible for his kids while they're here but they're pretty much teens. I call them in if they forgot something but that's it.
Amy1973Potts
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:04 PM
1 mom liked this
DF is good about this. Kids are 5&7 and clean their own rooms when either of us ask, get dishes in the sink, and 7 year old recently did his own laundry (while its still a cool, novel thing to do ha ha). He never expects me to do their laundry or clean their bathroom, or make their dinner. He does 90% of it, as he should.

But we are training them early to be self sufficient, dammit! lol
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minimoo
by Gold Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:04 PM
1 mom liked this
Lol oh I know. I have 3 little ones. It has been easier to get the deep cleaning done now that they are older, but it was SO hard when they were little (like baseboards, etc). We don't have that many apts, but we are busy. I'm worried about when I start teaching- during my student teaching, there were days I wouldn't get home until 7:30-8:00, then I had to get kids to bed, grab a bite for dinner, while grading papers, preparing more for the next day. I know it won't be as intense as I won't be in school myself anymore, but dh is so used to me doing everything that he was getting upset and would just leave dishes and everything else while he would play video games. It definitely was an adjustment


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I want a maid and I'm a SAHM. It would be awesome if someone could come in once a week and deep clean the kitchen and bathrooms. With 4 kiddos and 4-5 appointments a week for SD and DD, the help around the house would be amazing. DH works about 50-55 hours a week and right now, the kids are home all day for summer vacation.

I'd feel weird having someone come in more than that though. My MIL had a cleaning lady that came in once a week and my MIL would literally just sit there on the couch in her pajamas drinking coffee while her cleaning lady worked around her. I couldn't do that.

And to OP, I think marriage counseling is a good first step. 



Quoting minimoo:

Ugh...I want a maid. I don't know how I'm going to keep up w it all when I start working. Most of my neighbors have maids. Most of them are also sahms. I couldn't justify one staying home, but now...hmm.



My grandma had cleaning ladies when I was growing up. She had a huge 8000+sq ft house, beautiful 1800s style house. She was really anal about cleaning too. That coupled with her medical/memory issues due to strokes, she usually "fired" them frequently. Nobody kept it to her standards. They would always called my grandpa "your wife just fired me again. She found a spot of dust." He would respond "haha thanks for letting me know. I will see you again on Wednesday." Grandma always forgot she fired someone. We had to laugh; shortly before she passed, she had extreme dementia and some at home nurses. She kept trying to fire the nurses BC she thought they were cleaning ladies and could not understand why they just weren't doing their jobs. She would call me or her mom "this lady refuses to vacuum and when I told her to get out, she won't leave!" It was adorable. One of us would go over, calm her down and distract her. After Grandma passed, I started cleaning for my grandpa (summers and weekends while I was in school). It was great BC he would come home for lunch and we would hang out before he went back to his office. I think he just needed some companionship more than anything (although poor man did not know how to do his own laundry). I never regret those days.





Quoting momof2ex1:

I asked my husband tonight what he thought about us hiring someone twice a month to do the random cleaning that I can't get to recently. Like baseboards and ceiling fans, bathrooms etc.
he said we are just lazy and need to get more exercise which will give us more energy.

..........

I said ok you go get more exercise, I'm going to keep working my 45 hour a week job, work a little harder on home cooked meals and hire a maid.... Lol



Quoting whatIknownow:

yeah, I don't know about using L&L on an adult partner.

How about hiring a cleaning lady?











NonSMom
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:17 PM

Thanks ladies for your thougths!

I've learned that L&L principles DO work on other relationships as well - it's a way of just holding others accountable and responsible for their own stuff - and putting back on the plate of whom it belongs to.  I wouldn't treat DH like a child lol!  I do like the idea of a maid - but most of the mess has been reduced to the kitchen and dinner areas, (we ARE making progress) and I cannot do anything for myself in the kitchen until the messes are taken care of and a counter space is cleared up for me.  


Raspberry393
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 1:29 PM

nope.... don't like this.  A little too tit for tat for my comfort.  Plus, "we have decided on a monthly allowance each of us gets for our own spending money and I can always just reimburse myself the way we have it set up " sounds like you are just going to take money out of his "allowance" without his knowledge.  Stealing in my relationship would not go over well at all on either side- we respect each other too much.

GlockMom
by Gold Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 2:01 PM

What is L&L Style????

NonSMom
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 2:06 PM



Quoting Raspberry393:

nope.... don't like this.  A little too tit for tat for my comfort.  Plus, "we have decided on a monthly allowance each of us gets for our own spending money and I can always just reimburse myself the way we have it set up " sounds like you are just going to take money out of his "allowance" without his knowledge.  Stealing in my relationship would not go over well at all on either side- we respect each other too much.

No, I'm not stealing DH's allowance. When I use my allowance, I have a cash kitty, but use the credit card, so I have to pay HIM back, so to speak. So, I might just deduct what I owe him for maid's fees from that.  His "allowance" won't be affected at all.  Just the "general family fund."  I'm keeping track of the maid duties I'm doing and adding them to the whiteboard we have in the pantry.  The skids can see it but wont' know what it means unless they ask, which they won't.  I'm not sure I'd want them to know, but the bitchy part of me (the same part that wants maid's fees) wants them to know - got to be careful of passive-aggressive backlash, you know!


NonSMom
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 2:07 PM



Quoting GlockMom:

What is L&L Style????


Love an Logic, GlockMom.  It's a parenting philosophy. Also works in other relationships too.  Woah, don't want to mess with you lol!  

Raspberry393
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 2:15 PM

The concept of having my relationship with SO work like this is inconcievable to me.  I have no need to keep a list of what I do- we are a team some days he does more, some days I do more.  When either one of us gets lazy to the point of bugging the other then we talk about it and move on.  

I guess, if it works for you, whatever...... but this post and your feelings of needing to be paid suggest perhaps it's not.

Quoting NonSMom:



Quoting Raspberry393:

nope.... don't like this.  A little too tit for tat for my comfort.  Plus, "we have decided on a monthly allowance each of us gets for our own spending money and I can always just reimburse myself the way we have it set up " sounds like you are just going to take money out of his "allowance" without his knowledge.  Stealing in my relationship would not go over well at all on either side- we respect each other too much.

No, I'm not stealing DH's allowance. When I use my allowance, I have a cash kitty, but use the credit card, so I have to pay HIM back, so to speak. So, I might just deduct what I owe him for maid's fees from that.  His "allowance" won't be affected at all.  Just the "general family fund."  I'm keeping track of the maid duties I'm doing and adding them to the whiteboard we have in the pantry.  The skids can see it but wont' know what it means unless they ask, which they won't.  I'm not sure I'd want them to know, but the bitchy part of me (the same part that wants maid's fees) wants them to know - got to be careful of passive-aggressive backlash, you know!



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