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Charging DH for kids mess (L&L style)

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I'm at a loss of how to deal with the skids messes.  I don't ask anything of them (that's a long story - but I just don't) but I DO ask DH to "make sure IT'S taken care of" and he can either ask the skids or do it himself, whatever he likes. I'm not their maid.  So, sometimes he doesn't pay attention or isn't there.  I decided to "charge" DH  in Love & Logic style - you know - "I'm happy to take care of it but I charge hefty fees"  I'm not sure how to make him "pay up" but we have decided on a monthly allowance each of us gets for our own spending money and I can always just reimburse myself the way we have it set up - Anyways - what do you ladies think about this approach to this frustration?  I'm frustrated from feeling resentful and having no one around that cares more than me about their stuff.  At least this makes me care a little less if I'm getting somewhat compensated.  ;)

by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:19 PM
Replies (21-30):
NonSMom
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 2:53 PM



Quoting Raspberry393:

The concept of having my relationship with SO work like this is inconcievable to me.  I have no need to keep a list of what I do- we are a team some days he does more, some days I do more.  When either one of us gets lazy to the point of bugging the other then we talk about it and move on.  

I guess, if it works for you, whatever...... but this post and your feelings of needing to be paid suggest perhaps it's not.

Quoting NonSMom:



Quoting Raspberry393:

nope.... don't like this.  A little too tit for tat for my comfort.  Plus, "we have decided on a monthly allowance each of us gets for our own spending money and I can always just reimburse myself the way we have it set up " sounds like you are just going to take money out of his "allowance" without his knowledge.  Stealing in my relationship would not go over well at all on either side- we respect each other too much.

No, I'm not stealing DH's allowance. When I use my allowance, I have a cash kitty, but use the credit card, so I have to pay HIM back, so to speak. So, I might just deduct what I owe him for maid's fees from that.  His "allowance" won't be affected at all.  Just the "general family fund."  I'm keeping track of the maid duties I'm doing and adding them to the whiteboard we have in the pantry.  The skids can see it but wont' know what it means unless they ask, which they won't.  I'm not sure I'd want them to know, but the bitchy part of me (the same part that wants maid's fees) wants them to know - got to be careful of passive-aggressive backlash, you know!



Uhhhm yeah, I'm beginning to think this as well - we just don't ALL work together well as a team. We are all on separate teams. :(  


Meg_the_Mermaid
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 3:01 PM

Personally? I wouldn't go that route myself. But that's just me. I think it would be better to teach the kids about responsibility. Do they live with you all the time or just on weekends or what? I clean up after any kids who live with me, BUT I also have expectations for them...they're all old enough to be able to pick up after themselves (really, any kid older than like 3 can start learning/doing that). Giving kids responsibilities in the home teaches them to be mindful of their messes and of others messes. But that only works if your partner is on board with that as well. It's really important for both parents to be in agreement with stuff like this. 

Nlvonblah
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 3:01 PM
1 mom liked this


I have had the discussion years ago, " I am not a maid, taxi, short order cook!!"  My dh is a lot more laid back then I am.  I also suggested give me an allowance for all the extra work I do when skids are here since they won't life a friggin' finger.  I had OCD at the time.  Now that my DH and I have a toddler all the OCD has gone out the window.  I am more laid back and if I can't make my bed each day, I realize the world is not going to come to an end.  I have stopped copping resentments toward my husband in the past few months and realized that I can't change him or his kids.  I can only change myself and how I feel about my world.  Do I really want to be miserable?  Hell no!!  I agree w/ jig... Let the shit pile up.  Soon enough someone is going to need clean forks, plates, clothes, cups, etc.  Let the chips fall where they may and breathe!!  I go get a pedicure or shop.  I spend my energy taking care of my bio child!!!  n

Quoting jlg12678:

Well, you are not a maid. And your dh clearly doesn't care to make his kids pick up after themselves or will do it for them. 

I would not do anything for any of them. Let their shit pile up...dirty clothes, dishes, whatever. I'd be willing to bet once they run out of clean underwear and socks and have no clean plates and forks someone picks up.



mz_erica03
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 3:51 PM

How old are the kids? 

I can't afford a maid, so I make my kids clean up. The biggest issue we have is laundry. SD will freak out when something she needs/wants isn't clean and oh well!! 

D-Town
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 4:58 PM

What I do is that they have a chore list. Each chore is worth $xx.xx. They can either do the chores and get paid that amount of money or I do the chore and charge that amount of money. Some chores are worth more than others. There are also optional chores that can be done to get more money should they slip and forget one day and I have to do them.

Raspberry393
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 5:19 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, that's not a step child issue, that's a husband and wife issue.  Playing silly little passive agressive games to get back at your husband because you don't feel appreciated isn't going to solve the problem.

This is part of the reason I don't subscribe to the disengage- let dh do all the work- because you still have to live with the consequences if dh doesn't address the issues.

Quoting NonSMom:



Quoting Raspberry393:

The concept of having my relationship with SO work like this is inconcievable to me.  I have no need to keep a list of what I do- we are a team some days he does more, some days I do more.  When either one of us gets lazy to the point of bugging the other then we talk about it and move on.  

I guess, if it works for you, whatever...... but this post and your feelings of needing to be paid suggest perhaps it's not.

Quoting NonSMom:



Quoting Raspberry393:

nope.... don't like this.  A little too tit for tat for my comfort.  Plus, "we have decided on a monthly allowance each of us gets for our own spending money and I can always just reimburse myself the way we have it set up " sounds like you are just going to take money out of his "allowance" without his knowledge.  Stealing in my relationship would not go over well at all on either side- we respect each other too much.

No, I'm not stealing DH's allowance. When I use my allowance, I have a cash kitty, but use the credit card, so I have to pay HIM back, so to speak. So, I might just deduct what I owe him for maid's fees from that.  His "allowance" won't be affected at all.  Just the "general family fund."  I'm keeping track of the maid duties I'm doing and adding them to the whiteboard we have in the pantry.  The skids can see it but wont' know what it means unless they ask, which they won't.  I'm not sure I'd want them to know, but the bitchy part of me (the same part that wants maid's fees) wants them to know - got to be careful of passive-aggressive backlash, you know!



Uhhhm yeah, I'm beginning to think this as well - we just don't ALL work together well as a team. We are all on separate teams. :(  



baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 6:05 PM
1 mom liked this

In my marriage, before I started to play tit for tat or started to keep tabs for accounting puposes, I would just do it.

I look at it this way. If my tire gets a flat...he fixes it. If the lawn needs mowed and weed eated....he does it. If the plumping breaks....he does it. If a door lock breaks and needs to be replaced.....he goes to Home Depot and gets that shit done. While those are not every day nit picky things like normal house duties (meaning he doesnt have to do those things all the time) but when he does, they are hard and often time consuming.

I am NOT a wife to gripe or complain about normal household build up stuff. I take pride in my neat and clean house. And yes, sometimes it feels like everyone has their feet up while I am running circles around them, I have to remember all the things *I* am not willing to do or would have to hire someone to come in and do for me if he werent here.

Be careful of playing this game, the next time you have a flat and have to call him.....watch him get on his back.....sweat his ass off, while you sit in the shade playing with your Iphone, he may just charge you for it!

Humility1
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 7:36 PM
Lol, this is funny yea I did similar. I used to run around doing cooking cleaning and the laundry. I made a statement to my dh that if he doesn't teach his son to be more responsible I will never do these things anything from cooking, cleaning or laundry. And you know what it worked because husband doesn't like to do laundry cook, or clean! Husbands need an ultimatum that's for sure!
NonSMom
by Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 10:21 PM

all of your persepctive are really helpful to adjust my thinking on these things. Not sure where I am, but I'm thinking.  :)

JustaSM231
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:33 AM
1 mom liked this
How old are your skids? How often are they at your house?

I would talk to DH and explain that skids need to clean up after themselves if they are old enough and I agree that at age 3, most kids can help at least pick up their rooms and their toys/things in general living areas.

Show skids what is expected and how to do the chores they are expected to do. Make a chart or list if necessary. If they don't do their part, they loose privileges until its done such as TV, computer, video games, playtime, etc. If DH isn't on board with this plan, let him know what your decision regarding cleaning is: either he does it or you do it and get paid or you hire a maid to do it. But you both need to be on the same page!!
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