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How would you have handled this

Posted by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:36 PM
  • 19 Replies

Sd Lives with DH and I most of the time like 95% of the year. During the summer Bm takes her 2wks on and 2 wks off. I just picked her up Sunday for 3wks and then she will go back until school starts in Aug. Today I took her with me to pick up YDD from daycare. It's very odd that my children tell me most things in the car. The car is like a therapist office for some reason. I mean we talk other places but a lot of confessionals happen in the car.lol Anyway this is how the convo went.

SD: Mommy I have a secret.

Me: O yeah do you want to tell me?

SD: BM told me not to tell you or daddy.

Me: well Babe if you feel like you need to talk about it you can tell me.

SD: BM and her boyfriend fight all the time like everyday and it makes me sad and nervous.

Me: Do they hurt each other?

SD: I shouldn't tell you because BM said not to but she cries when they fight.

Me: Honey I'm sorry you have to see her cry but I mean do they hit each other?

SD: no

Me: Ok good I'm sorry that they fight and I promise you can always tell me or daddy if something like that makes you sad and you want to talk about it.

SD: ok thanks mommy.

I then stopped at the daycare and gave her a big hug.

It was a sad moment kind of bitter sweet. I'm truly sorry that she has to listen them fight but it was nice to give her a hug and let her know that I'm here to talk to her if she needs me. I think I handled it pretty good. What do you all think?

by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:36 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kmLacey
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:43 PM
Sounds like you handled it very well! It's so sad that people subject their kids to fighting and yelling. I understand that sometimes fights erupt. But I feel as a parent, or step, you need to make an effort to handle it without the child present or hearing your yelling and arguing. And I definitely don't think a child should have to witness her mother crying due to a fight. I don't know what I would do in your situation but I thinks you did well comforting and reassuring!
Frustrated10
by Bronze Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:44 PM

Good job! It's great that she has you in her life!

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 9:54 PM

I think you handled it well.

Also, our car is also like the counseling office, LOL My kiddos do the same thing. 

....ClvrScn.
by Silver Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 10:19 PM
1 mom liked this
A read somewhere once that the car is easier for kids because they aren't required to make eye contact
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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:28 PM
My kids have ASD so that explains a lot.


Quoting ....ClvrScn.:

A read somewhere once that the car is easier for kids because they aren't required to make eye contact

krazykiddles
by on Jul. 9, 2013 at 11:36 PM

You handled it with grace and poise.  Kids need someone to listen to them. 

mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:07 AM
I think its particularly important for parents of kids from a divorce or blended family relationships. I think this way because as I have told my children step and bio that all couples bicker. I explain that as a disagreement where each has an opinion and they both express that opinion until they compromise. Then there are arguements were two people yell and scream hurting the others feelings. Then there are fights were someone physical hurts another person. I think sd got the last 2 confused. In blended families especially ones where there is a child who has witnessed a divorce they have seen bickering turn to arguments at least if not more. They have seen those arguments break up their family and change their whole world. Then their parents date other adults who become like family so they are scared that the bickering will turn into arguing and change their world again. Thats why I made it a point to explain this to my kids so if they see dh and I bicker they can walk away with the assurance that we will be kissing two mins later. Idon't know what to do about bm but I think staying out of it and being there for sd is the best I can do as long as sd doesn't express a true digging situation.


Quoting kmLacey:

Sounds like you handled it very well! It's so sad that people subject their kids to fighting and yelling. I understand that sometimes fights erupt. But I feel as a parent, or step, you need to make an effort to handle it without the child present or hearing your yelling and arguing. And I definitely don't think a child should have to witness her mother crying due to a fight. I don't know what I would do in your situation but I thinks you did well comforting and reassuring!

SMInProgress
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:12 AM

Applaud you for not being quick to jump on the BM bashing bandwagon. It was good for the sake of your young SD. And by the way, it's nice she calls you "mommy" :)

In my case, since SK is a teenager, who lives with us full time now because he decided he doesn't want to live with his mother, seems to tell everyone when  DH& I fight & mind you, we only argue when we have to go to court for the hundreth time with BM because he wants to live with us (she's doesn't want to lose the child support). It's a lot of stress & financial burden. Yet when he tells people, he avoids telling them how BM makes our lives so miserable because he chose to be here. In a couple years, he'll be of legal age. Many times I've wanted to just confront him about this but I keep my mouth shut. But it's going to come out soon, I can feel it like uncontrollable lava. He's almost an adult. He shouldn't be doing this.

mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:28 AM
Thank u. He might almost be an adult but kids have this my parents can do no wrong plug in their brain for most of their lives. I work at a special ed high school. You would be surprised how many of these kids are in foster care yet dream of the day they can see their parents again. One girl tells me stories of her mom having 5 kids and 5 baby daddies. Tells me how she was adopted because her mom was bipolar and abandoned her for weeks to get high or drink. One day she told me she hasn't seen her mom in 9 yrs the last time she saw her her mom called her a liar when she told her bio mom thst she was her daughter and slapped her. Then she told me that her mom is dead now and she can't wait to get a tat of her moms name because this lady was her mom. When a co worker asked why not a tat of ur adoptive moms name She said ill do both but my bio moms tat will be done first because she was my mom. It's crazy but a lot of them think this way. They still try to please their bio parents. SomeTimes there is no reason.


Quoting SMInProgress:

Applaud you for not being quick to jump on the BM bashing bandwagon. It was good for the sake of your young SD. And by the way, it's nice she calls you "mommy" :)

In my case, since SK is a teenager, who lives with us full time now because he decided he doesn't want to live with his mother, seems to tell everyone when  DH& I fight & mind you, we only argue when we have to go to court for the hundreth time with BM because he wants to live with us (she's doesn't want to lose the child support). It's a lot of stress & financial burden. Yet when he tells people, he avoids telling them how BM makes our lives so miserable because he chose to be here. In a couple years, he'll be of legal age. Many times I've wanted to just confront him about this but I keep my mouth shut. But it's going to come out soon, I can feel it like uncontrollable lava. He's almost an adult. He shouldn't be doing this.


SMInProgress
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 12:40 AM

mamaBerg you have no idea how true that rings with my SK. But it will be coming soon. He has got to know that we love him too & we wanted the best for him so when he asked us to live here, we didn't hesitate. Now looking back I kinda wish sometimes that we just waited until he becomes 18. The money for legal fees could have gone to his education. But his well being came first.  It would really have been so much easier without all this BM/ court drama. We have feelings too, I'd like to tell him sometimes. He should be more considerate of us but instead is just really resentful & disrespectful so I get negativity from him, BM & ultimately from DH.  I guess maybe I'm still struggling with when is the age where the SK's have to take some responsibility.  Small child, young teens---no way, they need to be shielded & you handled it like a good mom.  But 16.5 yrs old?

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