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Posted by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 2:14 AM
  • 16 Replies
I just married my husband who has two children. His ex wife is causing complications with the 2 children because of her dislike for me. She currently has a live in boyfriend and a child by this guy. My husband's 2 children with her are in a very unhealthy situation in her household. They are talking with many people on how mistreated they feel by both there mother and her boyfriend. It appears to be a lot of emotional abuse takeing place. My husband and I are constantly trying to stay positive with the kids because we want a good situation for the 2 girls. But it is taking a real bad turn, for the girls and the girls fear going home because the girls are claiming their mother is making them miserable because of her dislike for me. They claim also that their mother plays 20 questions and then get angry if they won't answer with something other than I don't know. The girls are 9 &11 and I am very close to both of them. My husband and I have a child aswell together and I have another daughter of age 5. Our new family is beautiful and we are all very close. My question I guess is that his ex wife is refusing me from picking the kids up for my husbandt since he works . What rights do I have as a step parent? Our best interest sare solely for the wellbeing of the children. We don want to fight with her. However, my husband and I are really starting to feel the kids would be mentally safer with us. They have even stated this to us begging to live with us, but to scared their mom is going to freak out. We can we do?
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 2:14 AM
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by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 3:05 AM

I'm ignoring the contridictory drivel at first and just answering your question at the bottom.

You have no rights.  She doesn't have to hand her kids over to you (some will say if the order doesn't say anything she has to, but that can also be taken as if it doesn't say anything she doesn't have to).  

You have rights to your kids.  Be happy with that.

by Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:31 AM
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my order (in indiana parenting guidelines ) state that it has to be someone the child knows and is comfortable with.With that being said I have had to allow my EH girlfriends/wives to pick up my son and he was ok with it.I always ask him do you know so and so, if its someone I dont know.He had his now ex-wifes mom pick up my son once I did not know her but my son did and was excited she was picking him up he even ask do i get to stay with her i guess he knew her 

by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:38 AM

why can't your husband wait until after work to pick up his kids? If he's working, he can't spend time with them anyway.

by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 10:01 AM
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I'm hoping that you will be able to overlook the rudeness in some of the responses (because some ARE rude) and get some of the information you came here seeking.  Take what you need here and leave the rest.

The rub of being a stepparent is- unless it's spelled out in a court order, you don't really have any rights.  On the other hand your DH DOES have rights.  My first questions would be - how long you've been in the picture and what does the court order say in reguards to drop offs and pick ups?  Each state is different so I'd encourage you and your DH to look at the FOC information available for your state because that will give your dh a good place to start.

It's hard to give advice/suggestions of vague allegations of the appearance of emotional abuse.  The job of all the parents in a step situation is to keep the kids out of the middle of things.  While you can not control what is done in the other household, you can absolutely control what is done/not done in your household.  What is the custody split right now? 

by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 10:56 AM
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I agree that whether you can do pick ups or not depends on what the custody order says. If it says only the parents then your DH needs to consider redoing part of the custody order to allow a spouse or to have the pickup time changed.

On to the mental abuse, your DH can probably do a little research and find a counselor for the girls that is solely on his time with them. Even if he is only every other weekend, many do weekend appointments. With that being said, expect to pay out of pocket (unless your DH is the one providing insurance), and don't expect any reimbursement from the mother. Oh and to keep the mother from blowing a fuse you could probably do family counseling and the counselor can do a mix up of you and how he sees everyone. Meaning it may be everyone one time, and then just your husband and your SDs next time etc.
by Gold Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 11:08 AM
As a sp she doesn't have to let you pick up the kids if she doesn't want to. To keep things simple just let your DH pick them up after work to minimize drama. Does he think the kids are being abused? If so he should document everything and take it to cps. If not, and it's just a matter of them not getting along w/mom there's probably not a whole lot he can do custody wise.
by Bronze Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 11:10 AM

 The girls are 9 and 11...  not getting along with their mother is not necessarily indicative of emotional abuse.  If your DH thinks they're in real trouble though, he needs to get them into some therapy first.  You're going to need a therapist absolutely agreeing that there's emotional abuse before you'd get anywhere in court anyway. 

As for pick-ups...  unless the court order says she has to, Mom probably doesn't have to release the kids to anyone but Dad.  How did Dad do pick-ups before you were together? 

by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 11:24 AM

You do not have any rights. Your dh does. 

Unless the co states who is to pick up or drop off bm can't just withhold the kids for shits and giggles. If I were your dh I would suggest that if bm is uncomfortable with you driving she can do it instead. I've learned from dealing with my dh's ex that quite often what an angry person requests is not what they actually want. 

State standard for me is it's anyone the kids a comfortable with and know.

by Gold Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 11:34 AM

As a SP, you have no rights.  Your DH can seek to have the CO amended if he's so inclined. 

by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 11:47 AM
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This has never been an issue for me personally as I have picked the kids up for SO when he is running late etc. I've even picked them up from the babysitter for BM and driven them to her house when she's been tied up etc. I think the only think your DH could really do is revise the CO and have it state that you can do pick ups or drop offs in the even that he cant. Good Luck!

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