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She says I am an evil "step monster"...am I?

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:21 PM
  • 141 Replies
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I am brand new to...so I will try and summarize the 16 year nightmare. I have parented my step daughter since she was 18 months old. We received custody of her 6 years ago and now she 17. About a year ago she started becoming very obsessed with a boy. About 6 months ago my husband and I recognized that things were out of control. She would not come out of her room for dinner, for her friends, for anything. She was glues to her phone and the boyfriend would even tell us that she would call him 22 times in a row if he did not answer. My husband and I agreed that we needed to slow this relationship down so we made the rule that they were not to have contact for 2 months and then we would discuss letting them slowly start dating again. We did not let her take him to prom because we were encouraging her to branch out and be social. On prom night she called from the bathroom crying and apparently stayed in the bathroom all night long texting him. Once she returned home from prom there was a big falling out and she moved out...initially to a friend's and then back to biomom....who is worthless...just saying. Now she expects us to chase her and apologize for what we've done and is constantly posting negative things on Facebook about us. I resent her and I do not and have not allowed her to come back...even to visit. We have taken her to dinner a couple of times but I just don't feel any maternal instict toward her anymore. When I cleaned out her room I found many letters calling me names and talking about how horrible I am. I feel hurt and disrepected and now it is causing a strain with me and hubby because I only want a limited relationship with her. Help....I feel like the evil step monster that she is claiming I am...

 

by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:24 PM
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I think you need to backdown or lose her.
Your choice.

The adults took an extreme stance so
She did too.....
SEden
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:28 PM

Thank you for that honest response. I would like to have a cordial relationship with her for my husband's sake but she is filled with her mom's non-sense now and has said that she wants to break us up so he and her mom can get back together. I'm struggling with resenting her but wanting to make sure my husband feels comfortable to maintain his relationship with her without pressuring me. Any advice?

ramita
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:33 PM
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I think, at least for the time being, let your husband have a relationship with his child without you. This will limit your problems with your husband about your SD, and it will hopefully allow your husband and his daughter to work on they're relationship. Then eventually when things have relaxed a bit you can go out to dinner with them to try to work on you and her relationship (unless y'all decide it works better without you involved).
wyomom4
by Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:34 PM
1 mom liked this

 I think you guys did over react a bit. I would probably have limited what times of day she could be on the phone, but not cut it out completely. Put yourself in her shoes, you love your dh and if someone told you no contact at all for 2 months, you would probably sneak ways to do it too.

As far as her writing how mean and cruel and evil you are? Normal teenage stuff. When teen girls are angry it is not unusual for them to write mean things about the one they are mad at. If she wasn't acting on it (being disrespectful) I would (and have) pretended I never saw it at all.

So my advice, let it go, apologize for over reacting, and TALK to her.

SEden
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:40 PM

I would agree that we over-reacted to a certain extent. It started as a two week break and it just kept getting extended because she kept breaking the rule. I know that best thing will be to talk to her but right now I don't think either of us are in the right frame of mind to talk.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:46 PM
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I don't  understand why you won't let her come to your house. That makes no sense to me. Is your husband ok with you banning his 17yo daughter from his house? how can he be an effective parent to her under those conditions?

You say her mother is not a good parent, and she is a troubled girl to begin with.  Banning her from visiting her dad seems like the worst choice you could make.

DDDaysh
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:46 PM
3 moms liked this

 Well, at first I was going to say "no".  I think you and your DH made a very foolish parenting move, but it didn't equate to evil. 

But, by the time I got to the end of the post - I kind of think "yes".  If you are standing in the way of her visiting her father, you are being a pretty bad stepmother. 

I'm also not sure who lets a kid bounce around that much. 

SEden
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:52 PM

We ended up in family counseling because of the his, hers, and ours situation and all the "explosion" arguments that came from those dynamics. While I understand that my husband misses her...her brothers and I need some down time with some calm. I have not said she is never welcome to come visit...just not until the dusk settles and some conversations take place. Having her stay for a weekend leaves too much time to end up in an argument.

SEden
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:54 PM

I am not stopping him from spending time with her. I am trying to stop the constant drama that will come from her coming to visit for the weekend before the dust settles. We didn't let her bounce around. She is 17 and adult in our state. She had the right to leave....even against our pleadings.

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:56 PM
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THIS! This is what I was thinking while reading your post. I think your method of trying to control her was not to good.

Oh and the part about where you say "you lost your maternal instinct for her".....well thats because you never had one.

Quoting chanizen:

I think you need to backdown or lose her.
Your choice.

The adults took an extreme stance so
She did too.....


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