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Opinion about BMs finances as it relates to her biokids.

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:12 PM
  • 48 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Do children have the right to question or criticize a parent about how they spend money if they think that the parent is not spending wisely?

Options:

Yes. Absolutely.

No. There should be a consequence when children are disrespectful that way.

It depends. (explain)

No. But there should be no consequence. BM made her bed, now she has to lie in it!


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 38

View Results

SM to twin girls, 12.  Sorry, the intro is going to be a little long. 

This past Saturday, SD#2 got into a yelling match with BM about money.  BM screamed at her (and BM never gets super angry) SD#2 said she doesn't remember what was said.  Anyway, I guess that was the tone for most of the day.  BM pissy, girls giving her shit about money.

The girls went to a swim function at their swim club in the evening, and when BM texted them from the car to say she was in the lot to pick them up, SD#1 didn't respond because her cell was on mute.  So BM got mad and texted that if they didn't show face, she was leaving and they could walk home (they live less than a mile from the pool, but it was 10:00pm).  The girls got to her just as she was leaving and they all went home.

I'm not sure what transpired on their short drive home (but I'm sure it was a continuation of the money thing), but when they got home, BM went into a rampage telling the girls that they were ungrateful.  BM threatened to yank them off the swim team.  SD#2 said that she yanked the cords from their X-box to the TV and picked up the X-box and threw it on the couch.  Well, what happens when you throw something on a couch?  Right.  Sometimes shit will bounce.  The X-box bounced, and fell on the floor...no one knows if it's broken or not.  BM then went to the kitchen and dumped an entire box of brownies in the trash and some of the food she had bought because the girls are ungrateful.  Then BM went and locked herself in her bedroom.  That's when SD#2 called us at 11:30pm wondering what to do...she was scared.  Apparently SD#2 just went into her bedroom and closed the door.  DH told her that since BM was in her room that she should just go to bed.  He told her that we would pick them up, but it would probably make BM madder so just go to bed and be quiet.

The girls were fine on Sunday.

Anyway, DH says that the girls have a right to question BM on how she spends money since she spends it all on herself and not on the girls.  I told him that I understood their frustration, but they had no right to question her and give her shit about how she spends money even if BM is wiping her butt with $100 bills.  I told him that maybe there should be a consequence the next time either girl questioned BM about something that was none of their business and BM flipped shit like she did.  Because every time they act up with BM, she tries to find a way to blame DH for the girls' bad behavior.  This time, she's picking on me and insisting that she wants a way to contact me and since I won't communicate with her that I should not be able to make decisions about the girls (what decisions???).   I did tell the girls way before BM flipped her wig that what BM spent her money on was none of their business and they should leave her alone about it.  They have complained to us about it before.

So what do you all think?  BMs and SMs.  Thanks!


by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Spyswife
by Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:22 PM

 I think I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. The arguments your SDs have with BM are between BM and the kids.

I think it is foolish for Biodad and SM to even weigh in on it and pick a side. I think the girls should be advised to work it out with mom and if they get stranded somewhere, just to call you and you will drive them to where they need to be if that is possible. 

Your job is to cover the safety issue and not get involved in the squabbles between BM and the kids. DH needs to stay out of it, too. If BM and the skids want him involved, he needs to tactfully bow out. 

Think of it this way, if the skids were to get in a shouting match with Dh over money- how would you want BM to respond? I would think you would want her to just let Dad work it out with the kids and encourage the kids to talk to him about it.

 

Annawest
by Bronze Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:24 PM
I am mobile, so please excuse any typos.

I chose number 4.

My view is the girls are old enough to question where money goes and understand how expensive things are. I don't think they should necessarily be punished for asking questions.

On the other hand, if they questioned and got answers that were age appropriate and still demanded more info or demanded something of that money than yes, punishment would be warranted.

My DS, 7 questions where all my money goes all the time. He seems to forget everything we have. And I have told him he was ungrateful for XY or Z.
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:32 PM

In answer to your question below, I would want BM to tell the kids the same thing I tell them, "Your mom's/dad's finances are his/her business, not yours, stay out of it."

And part of it is a safety issue.  Like I said, BM NEVER loses her mind the way she did that Saturday night.  Both girls were scared because they've never seen her that angry before.  This is the reason why I've told them that they should NOT confront their mom about how she spends her money.  What happened Saturday night was not a squabble...it scared both of them enough to call their dad.

And BM made it our business because now she's trying to pin the girls' behavior on us suggesting that we're the ones that planted that thought in their heads.  BM's finances aren't rocket science.  She's always telling them that she's broke, but then manages to find money to get her toes done, or to take their dog to daycare (what the girls say).  The girls see it and it bothers them.  I don't see the harm in telling them that they need to pick their battles with their mother.

And if BM makes it our business by trying to blame us, maybe there should be a consequence so the girls know that at least on this, DH and BM are being a united front and they'll think twice about giving BM shit about her money.

BM may be a pain in my ass sometimes, but I don't like it that the girls give her a hard time about things that they have no business commenting on.


Quoting Spyswife:

 I think I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. The arguments your SDs have with BM are between BM and the kids.

I think it is foolish for Biodad and SM to even weigh in on it and pick a side. I think the girls should be advised to work it out with mom and if they get stranded somewhere, just to call you and you will drive them to where they need to be if that is possible. 

Your job is to cover the safety issue and not get involved in the squabbles between BM and the kids. DH needs to stay out of it, too. If BM and the skids want him involved, he needs to tactfully bow out. 

Think of it this way, if the skids were to get in a shouting match with Dh over money- how would you want BM to respond? I would think you would want her to just let Dad work it out with the kids and encourage the kids to talk to him about it.

 



sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:37 PM

Maybe I should have added more info.


What if your children said to you, "You're always saying money's tight, but you can go and have your toenails cut and painted, but you won't fix my laptop computer?"  or "You'd HAVE the money to buy me a headset if you didn't always spend it all on YOURSELF!"

I think they were being pretty disrespectful.

They weren't asking her, "Mom, why can't you buy me that headset?  Don't you have any money??"

But I get what you're saying.  If it had been just asking about money in general, I wouldn't have thought anything about it.


Quoting Annawest:

I am mobile, so please excuse any typos.

I chose number 4.

My view is the girls are old enough to question where money goes and understand how expensive things are. I don't think they should necessarily be punished for asking questions.

On the other hand, if they questioned and got answers that were age appropriate and still demanded more info or demanded something of that money than yes, punishment would be warranted.

My DS, 7 questions where all my money goes all the time. He seems to forget everything we have. And I have told him he was ungrateful for XY or Z.



LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:38 PM

In my house, the children do not have a say in how money is spent, nor do they have the right to question how I disburse funds.  There is the knowledge that if they want they right to have a say over how much money gets spent and on what, they must earn it themselves, when they have their OWN money they can make those calls; and not a moment sooner.  I think your DH is setting the the stage for disaster encouraging his children to question their mother's fiscal choices and decisions.  

newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:44 PM
This would be my question...what is BM saying she's "broke" about. If there is no food on the table and BM is getting her ties done well...IDK. But if the girls are reasonably well cared for and BM is frustrated and saying she's broke when the girls are asking for expensive extras and then taking care of herself, well, then that's different...example...I don't grow, keep my clothes a long time so yes I buy name brand...SS10 wants a pair of air Jordan's at about $150 a pair...hell no, he's 10, what he wouldn't outgrow in ten milliseconds he'd manage to tear apart in nine...he just will no take my rational explanations so now it's no, we don't have the kind of money to spend on that stuff...he thinks we're broke...no I just don't waste that kind of money...


Quoting sandeeyo:

In answer to your question below, I would want BM to tell the kids the same thing I tell them, "Your mom's/dad's finances are his/her business, not yours, stay out of it."

And part of it is a safety issue.  Like I said, BM NEVER loses her mind the way she did that Saturday night.  Both girls were scared because they've never seen her that angry before.  This is the reason why I've told them that they should NOT confront their mom about how she spends her money.  What happened Saturday night was not a squabble...it scared both of them enough to call their dad.

And BM made it our business because now she's trying to pin the girls' behavior on us suggesting that we're the ones that planted that thought in their heads.  BM's finances aren't rocket science.  She's always telling them that she's broke, but then manages to find money to get her toes done, or to take their dog to daycare (what the girls say).  The girls see it and it bothers them.  I don't see the harm in telling them that they need to pick their battles with their mother.

And if BM makes it our business by trying to blame us, maybe there should be a consequence so the girls know that at least on this, DH and BM are being a united front and they'll think twice about giving BM shit about her money.

BM may be a pain in my ass sometimes, but I don't like it that the girls give her a hard time about things that they have no business commenting on.



Quoting Spyswife:

 I think I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. The arguments your SDs have with BM are between BM and the kids.


I think it is foolish for Biodad and SM to even weigh in on it and pick a side. I think the girls should be advised to work it out with mom and if they get stranded somewhere, just to call you and you will drive them to where they need to be if that is possible. 


Your job is to cover the safety issue and not get involved in the squabbles between BM and the kids. DH needs to stay out of it, too. If BM and the skids want him involved, he needs to tactfully bow out. 


Think of it this way, if the skids were to get in a shouting match with Dh over money- how would you want BM to respond? I would think you would want her to just let Dad work it out with the kids and encourage the kids to talk to him about it.


 





Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:44 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm torn here.

I was the kid in a home where my parents weren't greatest about how they spent money. There were times when we didn't have a lot of food in the house, or when I didn't have lunch money. We SHOULD have had enough money, but we didn't because my parents weren't smart about budgeting.

I never would have said anything to them, only because I was too scared to say anything.

I would hope that if I were ever putting my children into a similar situation that they would respectfully let me know that they are worried about what we are doing to our family.

But, because of what I've lived, I would never do that. We may not always have all the money in the world, but we always make sure that the kids' needs are 100% met. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:44 PM

That's what I told DH.  That even if BM is spending unwisely, the girls still have no say since they are not wage earners and I also told him that even if BM spends the CS on herself, the girls still benefit because BM buys food, pays the mortgage and utilities, and ocassionally buys clothes for them.

He doesn't exactly encourage them, but he doesn't tell them to cut that shit out...I'm the one saying it! LOL 

The last thing I want is for a skid to get walloped and maybe have BM earn a visit from CPS or worse, land in the pokey because they drove her to distraction!


Quoting LyndaLoo78:

In my house, the children do not have a say in how money is spent, nor do they have the right to question how I disburse funds.  There is the knowledge that if they want they right to have a say over how much money gets spent and on what, they must earn it themselves, when they have their OWN money they can make those calls; and not a moment sooner.  I think your DH is setting the the stage for disaster encouraging his children to question their mother's fiscal choices and decisions.  



newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:49 PM
1 mom liked this
On that I have to agree...honestly, the kids aren't the money makers...there are just lines between adults and kids...as adults who make the paycheck...well, you just don't have to answer...there are certain things you earn as an adult...the kids need to be put back in their places...it's probably a healthy thing she scared them...I would have supported BM and told them "I'm sorry you were scared but have you finally learned you seriously crossed a line, get the point and don't do it again, money is not your business, the household budget is not managed by you, you don't question the adults in the house on it, they don't owe you an explanation."


Quoting sandeeyo:

That's what I told DH.  That even if BM is spending unwisely, the girls still have no say since they are not wage earners and I also told him that even if BM spends the CS on herself, the girls still benefit because BM buys food, pays the mortgage and utilities, and ocassionally buys clothes for them.

He doesn't exactly encourage them, but he doesn't tell them to cut that shit out...I'm the one saying it! LOL 

The last thing I want is for a skid to get walloped and maybe have BM earn a visit from CPS or worse, land in the pokey because they drove her to distraction!



Quoting LyndaLoo78:

In my house, the children do not have a say in how money is spent, nor do they have the right to question how I disburse funds.  There is the knowledge that if they want they right to have a say over how much money gets spent and on what, they must earn it themselves, when they have their OWN money they can make those calls; and not a moment sooner.  I think your DH is setting the the stage for disaster encouraging his children to question their mother's fiscal choices and decisions.  





LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Jul. 10, 2013 at 6:51 PM

Your DH needs to lay down the law that saying anything regarding money is unacceptable.  Completely and totally out of line and that if it continues and he finds out about it, there will be consequences in BOTH homes.  (Cause if they are sassing off to mom about money, you can bet your ass she will law out some consequences.  I hope that she manages to get her reactions under control for the sake of the kids, no one needs to see mom flip out like that....seriously.)

Quoting sandeeyo:

That's what I told DH.  That even if BM is spending unwisely, the girls still have no say since they are not wage earners and I also told him that even if BM spends the CS on herself, the girls still benefit because BM buys food, pays the mortgage and utilities, and ocassionally buys clothes for them.

He doesn't exactly encourage them, but he doesn't tell them to cut that shit out...I'm the one saying it! LOL 

The last thing I want is for a skid to get walloped and maybe have BM earn a visit from CPS or worse, land in the pokey because they drove her to distraction!


Quoting LyndaLoo78:

In my house, the children do not have a say in how money is spent, nor do they have the right to question how I disburse funds.  There is the knowledge that if they want they right to have a say over how much money gets spent and on what, they must earn it themselves, when they have their OWN money they can make those calls; and not a moment sooner.  I think your DH is setting the the stage for disaster encouraging his children to question their mother's fiscal choices and decisions.  




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