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Is there a nice way...

Posted by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 8:54 PM
  • 19 Replies

to talk to SD about NOT sharing so much information with people?

She's 13, but developmentally 9/10 or so. She is ALWAYS sharing information about BM with us, and about us with BM. Today it was, "Guess what? My mom is going to quit her job today after she gets her paycheck. But, that's OK because she says really bad words about her boss and doesn't like her job.Grandma is REALLY mad because that means that Grandma is going to have to give my mom lots of more money."

 I've tried telling SD most people really don't like it when other people talk about them and their lives. But, that doesn't seem to really do much good.

So, do I smile and nod and let SD talk about whatever she wants (even if it's BM's personal stuff)? 

by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 8:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
EmbraceTheChaos
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 9:09 PM
Hi, I know both of my stepchildren are younger bu,t I used to work in school age at a childcare center so I can relate to the age. I personally do think its important to acknowledge that more information is being provided than necessary and its a good opportunity to discuss privacy and why its important. Sometimes its easier, for teens and adults, to disclose others info more than their own. To help SD understand privacy maybe you could try to relate it back to something she understands better. Maybe there's something she has confided in you about that she wouldn't want other people to know. It might help to alter her perspective on the situation and allow you ansBM the privacy you need to live your lives.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 9:25 PM

BM has forced SD to lie for her and to keep secrets from us. Part of me wonders if this is SD's way of refusing to keep secrets about BM anymore.

We are getting ready to head back to court, and a part of the reason DH is filing the modification is because of a LOT of issues with BM (BM forcing SD to lie for her and keeps secrets from DH and I,emotional abuse of SD, BM not being involved with medical, therapy, or school, and BM not having SD do her at home medical care, therapy activities/exercises, and school activities), and SD doesn't want to go and spend so much time with BM. 


Quoting EmbraceTheChaos:

Hi, I know both of my stepchildren are younger bu,t I used to work in school age at a childcare center so I can relate to the age. I personally do think its important to acknowledge that more information is being provided than necessary and its a good opportunity to discuss privacy and why its important. Sometimes its easier, for teens and adults, to disclose others info more than their own. To help SD understand privacy maybe you could try to relate it back to something she understands better. Maybe there's something she has confided in you about that she wouldn't want other people to know. It might help to alter her perspective on the situation and allow you ansBM the privacy you need to live your lives.



Raspberry393
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 9:28 PM
Does she have these conversations with you, or with every one that crosses her path?
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 10:14 PM

What are some things SD does or says that she would not want broadcast to others?  Sometimes it helps to frame things in a manner the kid can relate to.  If there is some private information she would be embarrassed to share, I would try to compare it to that. 

It's difficult to know sometime - especially for kids - what another person doesn't want shared. It also sounds as though BM may lack some discretion around SD, which would be even more confusing.  If BM is open about X, why shouldn't SD be open about X?  Yet SD may be open about things with you or her mother that she wouldn't share with others, and you know that because you put yourself in her shoes.  Can SD put herself in BM's shoes?

As for what SD shares with BM about ya'll, use discretion.  DH and I have had those issues, and it just means there's much we'd like to include the kids in that we don't.  What they don't know, they can't repeat.  And there are some things you just have to let go of.  I don't necessarily appreciate news that I ripped the seat out of my jeans climbing over a fence being repeated to BM or what color underwear I was wearing.  But kids who find that type of thing funny will repeat it at least 47x to BM, SF, every grandparent, a few neighbors, and at least one teacher before it gets old.  It happens. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 10:30 PM

SD doesn't really understand socially appropriate things. She's very open about EVERYTHING (she'll tell a stranger in passing about her bowel habits if it crosses her mind to do so).

SD is more open with me about things. She trusts me more. She's not very open with BM, she'll talk about DH, myself, and her siblings, but she doesn't tell BM anything about herself. SD doesn't want BM to know yet that SD doesn't want to visit, SD wanted to talk to her counselor, and maybe invite BM in to a counseling session to discuss it all with the counselor present (so BM can't yell at SD).

And yes, BM TOTALLY lacks discretion around SD. BM treats SD like her BFF, talking about guys that BM is seeing, trouble at work, money issues, having to borrow money from her own mom to make rent and pay her bills, etc.

I've just gotten used to dealing with whatever SD tells BM. If it's something I don't want anyone to know, I have that conversation in private with whomever I need to speak to about it. If BM knows personal things about me, whatever, there's not much I can do about it, short of continuing to tell SD that people don't really like to be talked about when they aren't around.

Part of me wonders if SD is trying to give us more information for court... And that makes me sad. DH has sorta discussed with SD about what it would entail to modify the parenting plan. 


Quoting Derdriu:

What are some things SD does or says that she would not want broadcast to others?  Sometimes it helps to frame things in a manner the kid can relate to.  If there is some private information she would be embarrassed to share, I would try to compare it to that. 

It's difficult to know sometime - especially for kids - what another person doesn't want shared. It also sounds as though BM may lack some discretion around SD, which would be even more confusing.  If BM is open about X, why shouldn't SD be open about X?  Yet SD may be open about things with you or her mother that she wouldn't share with others, and you know that because you put yourself in her shoes.  Can SD put herself in BM's shoes?

As for what SD shares with BM about ya'll, use discretion.  DH and I have had those issues, and it just means there's much we'd like to include the kids in that we don't.  What they don't know, they can't repeat.  And there are some things you just have to let go of.  I don't necessarily appreciate news that I ripped the seat out of my jeans climbing over a fence being repeated to BM or what color underwear I was wearing.  But kids who find that type of thing funny will repeat it at least 47x to BM, SF, every grandparent, a few neighbors, and at least one teacher before it gets old.  It happens. 



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 10:32 PM

Pretty much everyone, but I tend to be the person who gets a majority of the information.

I just found out today that she's also telling her occupational therapist about BM's personal stuff too. Kinda like she's tattling on BM :(


Quoting Raspberry393:

Does she have these conversations with you, or with every one that crosses her path?



Raspberry393
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 10:36 PM

To be honest, given your particular situation I don't know if I'd try to shut down her talking about whats going on.  You, her OT, PT, etc aren't strangers- you are all adults that she's developed trust in.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 11:03 PM

That's what DH says.

It's progressively gotten bigger, as in she's reaching out to more people to give this information to over the last 6 months. Since starting counseling and opening up to her counselor about 7-8 months ago, she's turning to any trusted adult to give this information to. DH thinks it's SD's way of reaching for help. 


Quoting Raspberry393:

To be honest, given your particular situation I don't know if I'd try to shut down her talking about whats going on.  You, her OT, PT, etc aren't strangers- you are all adults that she's developed trust in.



Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jul. 11, 2013 at 12:26 AM
1 mom liked this

Write a social story for her.  Read it a lot.

Good lu8ck, I haven't fixed my over sharers. I stop them instead of listening if they start to share things that are too personal.


Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jul. 11, 2013 at 12:27 AM

The everyone is what needs to be targeted. Shoot this one is tough in this case...

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Pretty much everyone, but I tend to be the person who gets a majority of the information.

I just found out today that she's also telling her occupational therapist about BM's personal stuff too. Kinda like she's tattling on BM :(


Quoting Raspberry393:

Does she have these conversations with you, or with every one that crosses her path?




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