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Back to School MESS!

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:43 AM
  • 20 Replies

 SS, 5, is starting Kindergarten this year. The current CO has it to where the kids are with us for two weeks and then with BM for two weeks. I think the flip flop is hard on the kids and consistency is very important. I suggested to BM and DH that when school started, they should consider fixing the agreement to where SS will be with one parent during the week and the other parent on the weekends and for summer. That way he can get the consistency he needs. He is very behind already and I think he will just fall further behind once school starts. Of course I can't make either parent do anything and although they both agreed it was a better idea-neither one of them has discussed it. Has anyone had to deal with this type of arrangement before? I think it is going to be a disaster.

by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:54 AM
1 mom liked this

 That's a terrible idea.  That sets one parent up to have to do all the work and discipline and the other parent up to have all the fun times.  Bad, bad, BAD idea! 

If they really want the child in only one place during school, the other parent will have to be willing to step back and do some type of Every Other Week End scenerio. 

Even though I'm not normally in favor of 50/50 because I believe a child needs a "home base", I think that ripping one of his parents back to only EOWE right as he's going through another big transition (starting school) would probably be even worse!  If they live close enough, I think they should stick with the current schedule for the Kindergarten year.  That will give them an idea of what will be needed during school time, and they can revisit changing the schedule, if needed, next summer. 

ramita
by Silver Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 10:58 AM
I think it could work easily if they implement rules that are the same such as what time bedtime is, is homework done before or after dinner, etc. Not all the rules have to be the same, but the ones related to the additional school work should be the same or atleast as close as each household can get it.
LNLMommy
by Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 11:11 AM

 and that's been the problem this far-the rules are VERY different in each household. BM doesn't have a lot of rules and SS mainly watches tv and plays video games. The homework that was given in Pre-K was never done with her-mainly because of her schedule and she just has a different parenting style. Consistency has been a big problem and I just think that when school starts-it wil get worse

Quoting ramita:

I think it could work easily if they implement rules that are the same such as what time bedtime is, is homework done before or after dinner, etc. Not all the rules have to be the same, but the ones related to the additional school work should be the same or atleast as close as each household can get it.

 

LNLMommy
by Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 11:15 AM

 Consistency has been the biggest issue ever since they established this CO. BM works retail so her hours are kind of crazy and the parenting styles are very different in each home. The every two weeks is hard on the kids. I see it on SS face all the time. Half way through week one-he is ready to go back to his mom's house., He is a Mama's boy (which I'm not meaning it in a bad way) and to be honest-at his mom's house-it's just him and his sister (BM is having a baby this fall). At our house-there are three extra kids and I'm a disciplinarian who sets schedules. I just want him to succeed because Kindergarten has changed a lot and they are hard on these kids, IMO.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 That's a terrible idea.  That sets one parent up to have to do all the work and discipline and the other parent up to have all the fun times.  Bad, bad, BAD idea! 

If they really want the child in only one place during school, the other parent will have to be willing to step back and do some type of Every Other Week End scenerio. 

Even though I'm not normally in favor of 50/50 because I believe a child needs a "home base", I think that ripping one of his parents back to only EOWE right as he's going through another big transition (starting school) would probably be even worse!  If they live close enough, I think they should stick with the current schedule for the Kindergarten year.  That will give them an idea of what will be needed during school time, and they can revisit changing the schedule, if needed, next summer. 

 

ramita
by Silver Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Well I can pretty much guarantee she isn't going to allow her son to not be with her during her time, but the next best thing your husband can do is get very involved with the teachers. Let it be for the year, and if things don't work he'll have help from the teachers to show that the child being in her care during school weeks is not beneficial. With that being said, there is a chance now that he is in Kindergarten that she will buckle down with him regarding school. It's one of those things you can't count on, but she could surprise you.


Quoting LNLMommy:

 and that's been the problem this far-the rules are VERY different in each household. BM doesn't have a lot of rules and SS mainly watches tv and plays video games. The homework that was given in Pre-K was never done with her-mainly because of her schedule and she just has a different parenting style. Consistency has been a big problem and I just think that when school starts-it wil get worse


Quoting ramita:

I think it could work easily if they implement rules that are the same such as what time bedtime is, is homework done before or after dinner, etc. Not all the rules have to be the same, but the ones related to the additional school work should be the same or atleast as close as each household can get it.

 


LNLMommy
by Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 11:48 AM

 And I hope she does! We have never gotten along until here recently and she is a mother who loves her son and who has also never been through this situation before. She says on the weeks she has them, she doesn't work as often and I have no reason not to believe her and we have to work to live. I will suggest to him that he gets very involved and watch the situation carefully.

Quoting ramita:

Well I can pretty much guarantee she isn't going to allow her son to not be with her during her time, but the next best thing your husband can do is get very involved with the teachers. Let it be for the year, and if things don't work he'll have help from the teachers to show that the child being in her care during school weeks is not beneficial. With that being said, there is a chance now that he is in Kindergarten that she will buckle down with him regarding school. It's one of those things you can't count on, but she could surprise you.


Quoting LNLMommy:

 and that's been the problem this far-the rules are VERY different in each household. BM doesn't have a lot of rules and SS mainly watches tv and plays video games. The homework that was given in Pre-K was never done with her-mainly because of her schedule and she just has a different parenting style. Consistency has been a big problem and I just think that when school starts-it wil get worse


Quoting ramita:

I think it could work easily if they implement rules that are the same such as what time bedtime is, is homework done before or after dinner, etc. Not all the rules have to be the same, but the ones related to the additional school work should be the same or atleast as close as each household can get it.

 


 

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 1:20 PM

So would you be happy if that meant sending the child to mom's and your DH get EOWE?  It would be consistent for the child.

Quoting LNLMommy:

 and that's been the problem this far-the rules are VERY different in each household. BM doesn't have a lot of rules and SS mainly watches tv and plays video games. The homework that was given in Pre-K was never done with her-mainly because of her schedule and she just has a different parenting style. Consistency has been a big problem and I just think that when school starts-it wil get worse

Quoting ramita:

I think it could work easily if they implement rules that are the same such as what time bedtime is, is homework done before or after dinner, etc. Not all the rules have to be the same, but the ones related to the additional school work should be the same or atleast as close as each household can get it.

 


LNLMommy
by Member on Jul. 12, 2013 at 2:28 PM

 you know-before BM and I actually talked to each other, I was convinced that she was a subpar mother and SS would be better off living with us. I still have no objections of him living with us during the week and she having EOWE or vice verse, I just want him to have some consistency in his routine. I do feel that with me having two children in elementary school-one going into Kindergarten as well, he could thrive off of the environment because we have a routine, it rarely changes and he can have help but I can't make the final determination.

Quoting Polkadotted:

So would you be happy if that meant sending the child to mom's and your DH get EOWE?  It would be consistent for the child.

Quoting LNLMommy:

 and that's been the problem this far-the rules are VERY different in each household. BM doesn't have a lot of rules and SS mainly watches tv and plays video games. The homework that was given in Pre-K was never done with her-mainly because of her schedule and she just has a different parenting style. Consistency has been a big problem and I just think that when school starts-it wil get worse

Quoting ramita:

I think it could work easily if they implement rules that are the same such as what time bedtime is, is homework done before or after dinner, etc. Not all the rules have to be the same, but the ones related to the additional school work should be the same or atleast as close as each household can get it.

 


 

TJandKarasMom
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 4:45 PM

If you live close enough where you can  both get SS to school, then keep the arrangement as is.

We didn't live close enough for my ex to keep his Thu-Sun schedule, so he willingly switched and got him Fri-Sun every weekend.  The next year, SD was starting K and BM would not agree to the same (we had the same schedule, she had SD every Thu afternoon-Sun evening).  So it went to court, we had to get a GAL, that GAL backed out of the case before even taking it, so we ended up back in court with no GAL recommendations, so the judge made new orders and appointed a new GAL-this was in August right before school started...the judges new orders?  SD would be with BM Sun evening-Tues evening, then with us Tues evening-Fri evening, and we alternated weekends.  This meant SD would go to one school-full days two days a week, and another school-half days three days a week.  Most ridiculous court order I've ever heard of.

I think 50/50 is typically best for kids, as long as parents live close and can get along fairly well.  If the arrangement works well now, and you can both get the kid to school, then there is no reason to change it, IMO.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 14, 2013 at 5:23 PM
My son is the same age. He is starting kinder in August. He has been going to preschool/daycare for all of his life basically.

His preschool requested that we do all this at home work. All these flash cards etc etc. my son is not doing well. His preschool 'caregiver' (I'm not calling her a teacher until I see her Texas teaching credentials) suggested he is ADHD and 'behind'.

We met the kinder teachers in April when we registered for school. I told the teachers I was worried about him because he isn't reading or writing. He writes his name and he recognizes certain words. But no reading. He's behind! What can we do? All 4 of the teachers expressed their frustration with daycare/preschool 'caregivers' expecting these 4 and 5 year olds to learn so much while in their care, when 1/2 of the students who are staring kinder have been at home with their mommies for 5 years and have never stepped foot in to a preschool. Those children are not behind. They are right on target. They are starting kindergarten, where they will learn ALL of this from accredited teachers who have the experience and tools to teach them. One teacher told me to 'let him play play play until school starts. That's all he needs to be doing right now. All of that 'homework' is unnecessary and will only set him up to fail.'

I would wait for him to start kinder until deciding if he is really behind or not.

As far as the schedule, sure. Let dad take a step back and have every other weekend. Let mom be the home base. I agree with kids needing a home base and I do not like 50/50 for my situation. I would never agree to week on week off. But I have heard of other schedules that might work. Like 3-4-4-3 or something similar. I've not had experience with it though. We did have two school nights a week with dad and every other weekend. That didn't work for us though. Every family is different. Are they willing to try different schedules until finding one that works for him?

Quoting LNLMommy:

 and that's been the problem this far-the rules are VERY different in each household. BM doesn't have a lot of rules and SS mainly watches tv and plays video games. The homework that was given in Pre-K was never done with her-mainly because of her schedule and she just has a different parenting style. Consistency has been a big problem and I just think that when school starts-it wil get worse


Quoting ramita:

I think it could work easily if they implement rules that are the same such as what time bedtime is, is homework done before or after dinner, etc. Not all the rules have to be the same, but the ones related to the additional school work should be the same or atleast as close as each household can get it.

 



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