Let me preface this by saying, I am not a perfect stepparent and I by no means claim my husband is a perfect father. There is a backstory behind everything and I give credit to the fact that having a challenging childhood can really impact your abilities and choices as a parent. That being said, since February, I have brought my SS to psychologist. Both BM and DH are aware. The only reason I was appointed for it is because my work scheudle allows me to have more flexibility and I have more PL and sick time than the two of them combined. Never a problem, I enjoyed going with him, the Dr is great and we get a lot accomplished which I in turn explain the contents of to BOTH parents. BM has been struggling with his behavior for over a year. He was kicked out of kindrgarten his first day for head butting his principal. It has been a downward spiral since where he became diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and placed on several medications. Now during this initial diagnosis, we sat down together (BM, DH, and I ) and discussed how to enhance our parenting and improve the well being of SS to handle his aggression and difficulties following directions...Mind you as well, Psychologist and current Psychaitrist believe he was diagnosed too soon (4-5 years old) and the causes for his behavior are environmental not biological.
DH and I set to a plan of rules deciding what would and wouldnt be tolerated, engaged in the counting system (once I get to three, you're going to lose something) and time out. It took two months of struggle but now he knows. Daddy and Stepmommy won't let me get away with anything. He has never hit us, he starts to talk back, goes to time out and its a wrap. And not just when Daddy is around. When I am alone with him, its the same thing. We don't buy his affection, we do things. Go fishing, swimming, to museums, art projects, science experiements, reading, etc.
BM on the other hand allows him to do anything and everything he wants. He drinks orange soda and has as many as six ice creams before bed there (not exaggerating, family memebers have witnessed it), refuses meals constantly and demands people make him seven to ten different meals (none of which he will eat) and beats the living H out of her whenever he feels liek it, which is rewarded by trips to Target to pick out new toys.
BM is constantly complaining about money and how she has none yet she works, gets child support from us every week, both kids are on state insurance where EVERYTHING is covered, gets WIC, gets food stamps, and please, in case you think it doesn't cover it all ( SD gets formula, G-tube supplies, monitors, etc all for free on her insurance so food is only for her and SS-who doesnt eat there anyways). She is literally responsible for clothes, diapers, and rent. She has full internet, full cable, the most expensive cell phone possible. And....SD gets a $700 a month disability check that can cover anythign related to her. Oh, and the electric and gas can never be shut off due to medical conditions within the hosue....so pleas complain more to me about how you have no money when yesterday you bought him a happy meal, in which they forgot the toy, and promised to birng him to Target where he came home with a new motorcycle that plugs into the tv as a video game and a helicopter. He is five years old!! You don't reward a child that has no respect for you and your well being and physically and verbally attacks you with things like this.
Since last month, both BM and DH have begun coming to therpay as well since SS's poor behavior isnt happening to the degree it is at BM with us, there's not much more I can work on with the psychologist. She looks him in the face and says eveyrthing is perfect and they aren;'t having any problems when in reality, he is attacking her daily and deciding on everything, including decisions that a five year old has no business making. I have tried a countless number of times to explain how things work at our hosue and to help her because I think its terirble that SS treats her this way but she doesn't ever do what is recommended and she constantly enables his horrible behavior. Im so tired of her telling eveyrone that DH and myself are horrible and that we lie about SS eating healthy and behaving, like there is any personal gain to be made by lying when we are trying to work as a team on his overall well being...It's just crap.
I'm not looking for perfection but as his mother, I wish she would put in the effort that he deserves. He is a different child when he is with us...Speaking of which, she has agreed to have him come live with us for a year starting in August...and I can't help but fear that as he gets even more consistency and routine with us, his visitatiosn on weekends with her are goign to get that much more out of control...end rant...