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Poor SD had a visit from HELL with BM *Update #1, #2, #3, and #4

Posted by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:01 AM
  • 50 Replies

So, this past week SD told BM that she doesn't want to go for a week at a time, they she only wants to see her every other weekend or once a month. SD told her she's sick of lying and keeping secrets for her mom...

It did NOT end well. Apparently BM said, "Fuck you! I cannot believe you are doing this to me. I could fucking kill you." There's more, but that's the part SD remembered the most. BM then made SD sit in a restaurant alone talking to her grandma (BM's mom) on the phone while BM went outside to smoke. Grandma (BM's mom) was crying and begging SD to change her mind, and said that sometimes when people are really upset they say things they don't mean and BM didn't really mean it.

Later that night, when BM thought SD was sleeping she told her friend J that she wanted to beat SD to death. SD was NOT sleeping, she heard it, and she was scared and didn't know what to do. SD said she spent the rest of the time scared that BM would hurt her.

We found all of this out tonight. DH called 911 and reported it, they said that unless BM hits her there's NOTHING they can do, and suggested we call CPS (Child Protective Services). So, DH called CPS. They took a report, they will probably have an investigator call DH to make an official report, but they wont investigate it unless BM hits SD or actually hurts her. The CPS intake person on the phone told DH to make up a story about SD being really sick on Sunday so that SD can't go on her visit with BM next week...

DH also called SD's counselor and left her a message reporting ALL of this. SD was crying and saying that she doesn't want to go back to BM's house, because what if BM tries to kill her for real. And honestly, neither DH nor I feel comfortable saying that BM would never hurt her...


Update:

Well, we got some crappy news, until BM actually does hurt her physically we can't get a no-contact order. We're still waiting to hear back from SD's counselor. We were told that with the counselors recommendation they can give BM supervised visitation and we can request that BM be evaluated by a state psychologist. DH is going to see if the counselor would suggest to BM in writing that she NOT take visitation next week, DH has a meeting with an attorney next Tuesday, they can't get him in any sooner. By next week DH should be able to file the petition to modify the parenting plan, and we were told that we should request a temporary order to be signed  by the judge giving BM supervised visitation until a full investigation into the allegations of emotional abuse and SD over hearing threats against her can be completed.


Neither DH nor I have ever said BM was a good parent, and we've often wondered about just how severe the emotional abuse was (SD is still opening up to her counselor about it all); it was NEVER our intention to take SD from BM. Being a crappy mom doesn't negate the fact that BM is still SD's mom. We just wanted SD safe and happy.

Update 2:

I just spoke with SD's counselor. She says that there's nothing we can really do except file in court to get a new parenting plan in place ASAP. She's suggesting that DH go after sole physical and legal custody with either supervised visits or visits at DH's discretion. We have a meeting with an attorney next Tuesday and should hopefully be able to file things ASAP SD's counselor is going to speak to HER supervisor and see if there's anything that can be done in the mean time. The counselor doesn't want DH to contact BM about anything because she's worried that BM would take it out on SD. 


Update 3:

DH has a meeting with an attorney on Tuesday, at that point he's going to ask what he needs proof wise to get a temporary order signed by the judge the day he files the petition to modify the parenting plan. If we can meet that burdon of proof (our declarations, SD's counselor's declaration, and SD's occupational therapist's declaration) then that's what he's going to file. He's going to ask that the temporary order give BM no visitation during that time and then once the hearing for the modification comes up then he can ask for supervised visitation for BM.

So, everything is kinda at a standstill until the meetin with the attorney Tuesday. SD will still have to go to BM's next week. The counselor suggested that we come up with a safety plan for SD and the cell phone in case SD needs to call for help. Right now the safety plan is that SD is to text DH or I 911 and her location (BM's house, grandma's house, or J's house) and then she's to call 911 and ask for help and tell them what's going on. At that time DH or I can call 911 and report that SD has called 911 and doesn't know the address where she's at. We have those 3 addresses so we can give them the address to go to.

 Update 4:

We went and ordered SD an iPhone 4S, after a LOT of research we decided on that one because we can password protect the app market, so she can ONLY download things when DH or I put the password into. We can also turn the GPS monitoring on on it so that in the event SD has to call 911 while with BM they'll be able to track her phone. Unfortunately it may not be here before this next week's visit.

DH spoke to SD's counselor and since BM had contacted DH about the issue last week about SD no longer wanting to go for a week at a time, the counselor suggested that DH ask if BM is willing to cancel this next week's visit so that SD can just stay home. We'll see what BM says. DH made very sure to explain that the counselor was the one who wanted the visit cancelled for SD's well being.

The counselor also suggested that SD should go for sole legal and physical custody with BM having EOWE visitation, but that DH should have the power to cancel any visit if he feels its in SD's best interest. The counselor also said that she was under the impression that BM didn't have a place to live at all, that she was couch surfing and dragging SD along with her and THAT is part of the reason that SD doesn't know where she's going to be when.

DH asked BM to go to mediation with him. He's going to show her EVERYTHING he has (the declaration from SD's occupational therapist,  the letter from SD's counselor, EVERYTHING) and let her know that this is what the professionals working with SD feel is in SD's best interest to have things be this way.

by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
spicy0425
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:07 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't know what to say but good luck to your SD and your family. I'm amazed by the actions and the words people are willing to say when angry. I am not immuned to saying things that I'd regret later, but I can never really say I'd kill someone like your BM, especially to her own flesh and blood daughter.

SMInProgress
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:21 AM

Calling CPS is the right thing to do.  Unfortunately our BM is very unstable & has done & said similar as yours. It sucks but unfortunately lots of kids go through manipulation & parental alienation or used as pawns whether it be by a BM, DH, MIL, GM or even SMs.  It took us years & tolerated so much until it just got to the point where BM didn't care of the backlash & years of evidence just propelled us to do whatever it took to stop the drama.  We didn't want to at first because we thought of the kids. But even our skid had enough.  No doubt CPS will call your skids therapist so there'll be ways to amend the CO (supervised, etc) since they're involved.  I know it's hard but consider this a gift your BM just gave you.

Now with all that said, can I say as a BM myself as well as an SM, though you/ DH should give your skid a break from her BM for now, there will come a time when a child still should see her mother provided they are not a physical or sexual abuser.  It's the right thing to do as kids will always give their mother 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances, so should the CP in charge allow the same for the sake of the child. And this is coming from me an SM who can't stand crazy BM & CPS helped get us a RO with the courts, I still urge DH to prepare skid for future visitations with BM once the dust settles.

Good luck to you.

liels898
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:29 AM

This is where you comfort her as much as you can and you prepare her so that she knows what to do if BM does try and hurt her. It's ridiculous to me that a parent can get away with threatening their child like that when, if they said the same kind of things to another adult, they could at least be cited if nothing else. 

Granted, even parents say things when they're hurt and pissed off but that's def not an excuse. I'm glad y'all have taken steps that can help her like calling CPS and her therapist. I would keep the therapist updated as much as possible as I'm sure she'll need to be able to talk it out with her in a session. And I would just try to communicate as much as possible with her to keep informed about what's happening. I'd also suggest going to your lawyers and giving them a written account of what was said and done and why, see if there's anything that can be done on that end. 

Nlvonblah
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:33 AM

Damn!! I really feel for this child.  How old is she?

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:41 AM

She's 13, but developmentally about 10 due to developmentally delays caused by a genetic disorder.


Quoting Nlvonblah:

Damn!! I really feel for this child.  How old is she?



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:42 AM

DH wants to wait to hear from SD's counselor tomorrow to get her advice, but we may be filing a no-contact order this week.


Quoting SMInProgress:

Calling CPS is the right thing to do.  Unfortunately our BM is very unstable & has done & said similar as yours. It sucks but unfortunately lots of kids go through manipulation & parental alienation or used as pawns whether it be by a BM, DH, MIL, GM or even SMs.  It took us years & tolerated so much until it just got to the point where BM didn't care of the backlash & years of evidence just propelled us to do whatever it took to stop the drama.  We didn't want to at first because we thought of the kids. But even our skid had enough.  No doubt CPS will call your skids therapist so there'll be ways to amend the CO (supervised, etc) since they're involved.  I know it's hard but consider this a gift your BM just gave you.

Now with all that said, can I say as a BM myself as well as an SM, though you/ DH should give your skid a break from her BM for now, there will come a time when a child still should see her mother provided they are not a physical or sexual abuser.  It's the right thing to do as kids will always give their mother 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances, so should the CP in charge allow the same for the sake of the child. And this is coming from me an SM who can't stand crazy BM & CPS helped get us a RO with the courts, I still urge DH to prepare skid for future visitations with BM once the dust settles.

Good luck to you.



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:44 AM

DH and I both told her that if anyone ever threatens to hurt her again she needs to call 911 and report it and then call us so that we can come get her.

Once we hear back from SD's counselor tomorrow we may be filing a no-contact order. 


Quoting liels898:

This is where you comfort her as much as you can and you prepare her so that she knows what to do if BM does try and hurt her. It's ridiculous to me that a parent can get away with threatening their child like that when, if they said the same kind of things to another adult, they could at least be cited if nothing else. 

Granted, even parents say things when they're hurt and pissed off but that's def not an excuse. I'm glad y'all have taken steps that can help her like calling CPS and her therapist. I would keep the therapist updated as much as possible as I'm sure she'll need to be able to talk it out with her in a session. And I would just try to communicate as much as possible with her to keep informed about what's happening. I'd also suggest going to your lawyers and giving them a written account of what was said and done and why, see if there's anything that can be done on that end. 



momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:51 AM
1 mom liked this
Oh my gosh! If you are a student, and you tell another student or teacher that you are going to kill them OR if you tell someone else that you are going to kill someone else, that is what they call here a terroristic threat and they expel you from school. Then you get a ticket and get to appear in teen court.

But we as parents can say it and its ok. No biggie as long as we don't actually act on it! Makes no damn sense to me.


Quoting liels898:

This is where you comfort her as much as you can and you prepare her so that she knows what to do if BM does try and hurt her. It's ridiculous to me that a parent can get away with threatening their child like that when, if they said the same kind of things to another adult, they could at least be cited if nothing else. 

Granted, even parents say things when they're hurt and pissed off but that's def not an excuse. I'm glad y'all have taken steps that can help her like calling CPS and her therapist. I would keep the therapist updated as much as possible as I'm sure she'll need to be able to talk it out with her in a session. And I would just try to communicate as much as possible with her to keep informed about what's happening. I'd also suggest going to your lawyers and giving them a written account of what was said and done and why, see if there's anything that can be done on that end. 


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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:53 AM
I hope for her sake, you are able to get the no contact order. How do you send a child to an environment where they don't feel safe. When is she supposed to go back? Next Sunday?


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

DH and I both told her that if anyone ever threatens to hurt her again she needs to call 911 and report it and then call us so that we can come get her.

Once we hear back from SD's counselor tomorrow we may be filing a no-contact order. 



Quoting liels898:

This is where you comfort her as much as you can and you prepare her so that she knows what to do if BM does try and hurt her. It's ridiculous to me that a parent can get away with threatening their child like that when, if they said the same kind of things to another adult, they could at least be cited if nothing else. 

Granted, even parents say things when they're hurt and pissed off but that's def not an excuse. I'm glad y'all have taken steps that can help her like calling CPS and her therapist. I would keep the therapist updated as much as possible as I'm sure she'll need to be able to talk it out with her in a session. And I would just try to communicate as much as possible with her to keep informed about what's happening. I'd also suggest going to your lawyers and giving them a written account of what was said and done and why, see if there's anything that can be done on that end. 





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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:58 AM

Yea, she's supposed to go back to BM's on Sunday for a week. She's supposed to have 3 more weeks of visitation with BM this summer.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I hope for her sake, you are able to get the no contact order. How do you send a child to an environment where they don't feel safe. When is she supposed to go back? Next Sunday?


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

DH and I both told her that if anyone ever threatens to hurt her again she needs to call 911 and report it and then call us so that we can come get her.

Once we hear back from SD's counselor tomorrow we may be filing a no-contact order. 



Quoting liels898:

This is where you comfort her as much as you can and you prepare her so that she knows what to do if BM does try and hurt her. It's ridiculous to me that a parent can get away with threatening their child like that when, if they said the same kind of things to another adult, they could at least be cited if nothing else. 

Granted, even parents say things when they're hurt and pissed off but that's def not an excuse. I'm glad y'all have taken steps that can help her like calling CPS and her therapist. I would keep the therapist updated as much as possible as I'm sure she'll need to be able to talk it out with her in a session. And I would just try to communicate as much as possible with her to keep informed about what's happening. I'd also suggest going to your lawyers and giving them a written account of what was said and done and why, see if there's anything that can be done on that end. 







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