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Poor SD had a visit from HELL with BM *Update #1, #2, #3, and #4

So, this past week SD told BM that she doesn't want to go for a week at a time, they she only wants to see her every other weekend or once a month. SD told her she's sick of lying and keeping secrets for her mom...

It did NOT end well. Apparently BM said, "Fuck you! I cannot believe you are doing this to me. I could fucking kill you." There's more, but that's the part SD remembered the most. BM then made SD sit in a restaurant alone talking to her grandma (BM's mom) on the phone while BM went outside to smoke. Grandma (BM's mom) was crying and begging SD to change her mind, and said that sometimes when people are really upset they say things they don't mean and BM didn't really mean it.

Later that night, when BM thought SD was sleeping she told her friend J that she wanted to beat SD to death. SD was NOT sleeping, she heard it, and she was scared and didn't know what to do. SD said she spent the rest of the time scared that BM would hurt her.

We found all of this out tonight. DH called 911 and reported it, they said that unless BM hits her there's NOTHING they can do, and suggested we call CPS (Child Protective Services). So, DH called CPS. They took a report, they will probably have an investigator call DH to make an official report, but they wont investigate it unless BM hits SD or actually hurts her. The CPS intake person on the phone told DH to make up a story about SD being really sick on Sunday so that SD can't go on her visit with BM next week...

DH also called SD's counselor and left her a message reporting ALL of this. SD was crying and saying that she doesn't want to go back to BM's house, because what if BM tries to kill her for real. And honestly, neither DH nor I feel comfortable saying that BM would never hurt her...


Update:

Well, we got some crappy news, until BM actually does hurt her physically we can't get a no-contact order. We're still waiting to hear back from SD's counselor. We were told that with the counselors recommendation they can give BM supervised visitation and we can request that BM be evaluated by a state psychologist. DH is going to see if the counselor would suggest to BM in writing that she NOT take visitation next week, DH has a meeting with an attorney next Tuesday, they can't get him in any sooner. By next week DH should be able to file the petition to modify the parenting plan, and we were told that we should request a temporary order to be signed  by the judge giving BM supervised visitation until a full investigation into the allegations of emotional abuse and SD over hearing threats against her can be completed.


Neither DH nor I have ever said BM was a good parent, and we've often wondered about just how severe the emotional abuse was (SD is still opening up to her counselor about it all); it was NEVER our intention to take SD from BM. Being a crappy mom doesn't negate the fact that BM is still SD's mom. We just wanted SD safe and happy.

Update 2:

I just spoke with SD's counselor. She says that there's nothing we can really do except file in court to get a new parenting plan in place ASAP. She's suggesting that DH go after sole physical and legal custody with either supervised visits or visits at DH's discretion. We have a meeting with an attorney next Tuesday and should hopefully be able to file things ASAP SD's counselor is going to speak to HER supervisor and see if there's anything that can be done in the mean time. The counselor doesn't want DH to contact BM about anything because she's worried that BM would take it out on SD. 


Update 3:

DH has a meeting with an attorney on Tuesday, at that point he's going to ask what he needs proof wise to get a temporary order signed by the judge the day he files the petition to modify the parenting plan. If we can meet that burdon of proof (our declarations, SD's counselor's declaration, and SD's occupational therapist's declaration) then that's what he's going to file. He's going to ask that the temporary order give BM no visitation during that time and then once the hearing for the modification comes up then he can ask for supervised visitation for BM.

So, everything is kinda at a standstill until the meetin with the attorney Tuesday. SD will still have to go to BM's next week. The counselor suggested that we come up with a safety plan for SD and the cell phone in case SD needs to call for help. Right now the safety plan is that SD is to text DH or I 911 and her location (BM's house, grandma's house, or J's house) and then she's to call 911 and ask for help and tell them what's going on. At that time DH or I can call 911 and report that SD has called 911 and doesn't know the address where she's at. We have those 3 addresses so we can give them the address to go to.

 Update 4:

We went and ordered SD an iPhone 4S, after a LOT of research we decided on that one because we can password protect the app market, so she can ONLY download things when DH or I put the password into. We can also turn the GPS monitoring on on it so that in the event SD has to call 911 while with BM they'll be able to track her phone. Unfortunately it may not be here before this next week's visit.

DH spoke to SD's counselor and since BM had contacted DH about the issue last week about SD no longer wanting to go for a week at a time, the counselor suggested that DH ask if BM is willing to cancel this next week's visit so that SD can just stay home. We'll see what BM says. DH made very sure to explain that the counselor was the one who wanted the visit cancelled for SD's well being.

The counselor also suggested that SD should go for sole legal and physical custody with BM having EOWE visitation, but that DH should have the power to cancel any visit if he feels its in SD's best interest. The counselor also said that she was under the impression that BM didn't have a place to live at all, that she was couch surfing and dragging SD along with her and THAT is part of the reason that SD doesn't know where she's going to be when.

DH asked BM to go to mediation with him. He's going to show her EVERYTHING he has (the declaration from SD's occupational therapist,  the letter from SD's counselor, EVERYTHING) and let her know that this is what the professionals working with SD feel is in SD's best interest to have things be this way.

by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:01 AM
Replies (11-20):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:59 AM
Holy WHAT!!!! I hope someone can do something to help this poor child. Sounds like bm could benefit from some therapy and some parenting classes. I mean I knew she was messed up but this is bad even for her.
I know there a time dh spoke to CPS about a situation with dss and they had the same response they can't do anything until the child is injured. Luckily the situation was 'fixed' as soon as bm and her boyf were made aware that dh knew about it, but there are so many kids who fall through the cracks.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 2:11 AM

Neither DH nor I feel that we could honestly say that BM wouldn't hurt her. I really hope she wouldn't, but honestly, it's definitely a possiblity. ESPECIALLY if BM thinks that she could lose her visitation completely.

We've left messages with the counselor and sent an email with the subject line, "regarding SD, Call ASAP!!" 


Quoting MommySabs:

Holy WHAT!!!! I hope someone can do something to help this poor child. Sounds like bm could benefit from some therapy and some parenting classes. I mean I knew she was messed up but this is bad even for her.
I know there a time dh spoke to CPS about a situation with dss and they had the same response they can't do anything until the child is injured. Luckily the situation was 'fixed' as soon as bm and her boyf were made aware that dh knew about it, but there are so many kids who fall through the cracks.



MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 6:15 AM
I hope the counselor has some solution Bc regardless of anyone else - as doesn't feel safe and bums threats were believable enough to seriously terrify her. ( and with bms mental state I agree w you that harm isn't out of the realm of possibility).


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Neither DH nor I feel that we could honestly say that BM wouldn't hurt her. I really hope she wouldn't, but honestly, it's definitely a possiblity. ESPECIALLY if BM thinks that she could lose her visitation completely.

We've left messages with the counselor and sent an email with the subject line, "regarding SD, Call ASAP!!" 



Quoting MommySabs:

Holy WHAT!!!! I hope someone can do something to help this poor child. Sounds like bm could benefit from some therapy and some parenting classes. I mean I knew she was messed up but this is bad even for her.

I know there a time dh spoke to CPS about a situation with dss and they had the same response they can't do anything until the child is injured. Luckily the situation was 'fixed' as soon as bm and her boyf were made aware that dh knew about it, but there are so many kids who fall through the cracks.





fivegirls333
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 7:03 AM

wow.  i am so thankful she can communicate with you.  i would never "make" a kid go anywhere...especially if they feel unsafe.  keep a log, save messages, write everything down with dates...let bm go to court and try to force the issue.  it will not happen.  poor kid.  at a minimum...something weird is going on over there.  worst case scenario? i would not be willing to find out.  who does any of that!!!!!

Tx_stepmom
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 7:43 AM

It's crazy to think that a parent would say something like that to or about their own child!  BM has some issues that need to be addressed.  I would definitely put some distance between BM & SD.  You are doing the right thing in protecting SD.  Good luck!   

ramita
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 9:07 AM
I'm so sorry for your SD. I can't imagine going through that at her age, or worse one of my kids or ss. I think I would go ahead and call the lawyer first thing this morning and set up and appointment for this week that way you don't have to worry about not being able to get in.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:23 PM

Bump for update

SMInProgress
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 1:04 PM

Just read your update. We went through the exact thing. You're doing all the right things.  Our Lawyer, skids therapist & CPS all helped us to get full custody.  Its been a long, draining, expensive legal war, since BM is really crazy & supported by the state for bi-polar so she gets legal counsel on the state. And though we got full custody, we find ourselves still going to court because BM refuses to give up the CS & challenges even the therapists! She denies emotional abuse & calls skid a liar. Its heartbreaking stuff when you actually see your skids mother get ugly with her own child. So prepare yourself for that while you deal with skid's PTSD while entering teenhood.  Good luck & stay strong :)

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

DH wants to wait to hear from SD's counselor tomorrow to get her advice, but we may be filing a no-contact order this week.


Quoting SMInProgress:

Calling CPS is the right thing to do.  Unfortunately our BM is very unstable & has done & said similar as yours. It sucks but unfortunately lots of kids go through manipulation & parental alienation or used as pawns whether it be by a BM, DH, MIL, GM or even SMs.  It took us years & tolerated so much until it just got to the point where BM didn't care of the backlash & years of evidence just propelled us to do whatever it took to stop the drama.  We didn't want to at first because we thought of the kids. But even our skid had enough.  No doubt CPS will call your skids therapist so there'll be ways to amend the CO (supervised, etc) since they're involved.  I know it's hard but consider this a gift your BM just gave you.

Now with all that said, can I say as a BM myself as well as an SM, though you/ DH should give your skid a break from her BM for now, there will come a time when a child still should see her mother provided they are not a physical or sexual abuser.  It's the right thing to do as kids will always give their mother 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances, so should the CP in charge allow the same for the sake of the child. And this is coming from me an SM who can't stand crazy BM & CPS helped get us a RO with the courts, I still urge DH to prepare skid for future visitations with BM once the dust settles.

Good luck to you.




Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 2:12 PM

bump for update #2

ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Jul. 15, 2013 at 2:16 PM

That poor kid. I dont even know what to say. I feel terrible for her. I think you and DH are taking the appropriate steps in making sure you SD is Happy, healthy, and above all, safe! Good Luck and keep us updated!

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