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Poor SD had a visit from HELL with BM *Update #1, #2, #3, and #4

So, this past week SD told BM that she doesn't want to go for a week at a time, they she only wants to see her every other weekend or once a month. SD told her she's sick of lying and keeping secrets for her mom...

It did NOT end well. Apparently BM said, "Fuck you! I cannot believe you are doing this to me. I could fucking kill you." There's more, but that's the part SD remembered the most. BM then made SD sit in a restaurant alone talking to her grandma (BM's mom) on the phone while BM went outside to smoke. Grandma (BM's mom) was crying and begging SD to change her mind, and said that sometimes when people are really upset they say things they don't mean and BM didn't really mean it.

Later that night, when BM thought SD was sleeping she told her friend J that she wanted to beat SD to death. SD was NOT sleeping, she heard it, and she was scared and didn't know what to do. SD said she spent the rest of the time scared that BM would hurt her.

We found all of this out tonight. DH called 911 and reported it, they said that unless BM hits her there's NOTHING they can do, and suggested we call CPS (Child Protective Services). So, DH called CPS. They took a report, they will probably have an investigator call DH to make an official report, but they wont investigate it unless BM hits SD or actually hurts her. The CPS intake person on the phone told DH to make up a story about SD being really sick on Sunday so that SD can't go on her visit with BM next week...

DH also called SD's counselor and left her a message reporting ALL of this. SD was crying and saying that she doesn't want to go back to BM's house, because what if BM tries to kill her for real. And honestly, neither DH nor I feel comfortable saying that BM would never hurt her...


Update:

Well, we got some crappy news, until BM actually does hurt her physically we can't get a no-contact order. We're still waiting to hear back from SD's counselor. We were told that with the counselors recommendation they can give BM supervised visitation and we can request that BM be evaluated by a state psychologist. DH is going to see if the counselor would suggest to BM in writing that she NOT take visitation next week, DH has a meeting with an attorney next Tuesday, they can't get him in any sooner. By next week DH should be able to file the petition to modify the parenting plan, and we were told that we should request a temporary order to be signed  by the judge giving BM supervised visitation until a full investigation into the allegations of emotional abuse and SD over hearing threats against her can be completed.


Neither DH nor I have ever said BM was a good parent, and we've often wondered about just how severe the emotional abuse was (SD is still opening up to her counselor about it all); it was NEVER our intention to take SD from BM. Being a crappy mom doesn't negate the fact that BM is still SD's mom. We just wanted SD safe and happy.

Update 2:

I just spoke with SD's counselor. She says that there's nothing we can really do except file in court to get a new parenting plan in place ASAP. She's suggesting that DH go after sole physical and legal custody with either supervised visits or visits at DH's discretion. We have a meeting with an attorney next Tuesday and should hopefully be able to file things ASAP SD's counselor is going to speak to HER supervisor and see if there's anything that can be done in the mean time. The counselor doesn't want DH to contact BM about anything because she's worried that BM would take it out on SD. 


Update 3:

DH has a meeting with an attorney on Tuesday, at that point he's going to ask what he needs proof wise to get a temporary order signed by the judge the day he files the petition to modify the parenting plan. If we can meet that burdon of proof (our declarations, SD's counselor's declaration, and SD's occupational therapist's declaration) then that's what he's going to file. He's going to ask that the temporary order give BM no visitation during that time and then once the hearing for the modification comes up then he can ask for supervised visitation for BM.

So, everything is kinda at a standstill until the meetin with the attorney Tuesday. SD will still have to go to BM's next week. The counselor suggested that we come up with a safety plan for SD and the cell phone in case SD needs to call for help. Right now the safety plan is that SD is to text DH or I 911 and her location (BM's house, grandma's house, or J's house) and then she's to call 911 and ask for help and tell them what's going on. At that time DH or I can call 911 and report that SD has called 911 and doesn't know the address where she's at. We have those 3 addresses so we can give them the address to go to.

 Update 4:

We went and ordered SD an iPhone 4S, after a LOT of research we decided on that one because we can password protect the app market, so she can ONLY download things when DH or I put the password into. We can also turn the GPS monitoring on on it so that in the event SD has to call 911 while with BM they'll be able to track her phone. Unfortunately it may not be here before this next week's visit.

DH spoke to SD's counselor and since BM had contacted DH about the issue last week about SD no longer wanting to go for a week at a time, the counselor suggested that DH ask if BM is willing to cancel this next week's visit so that SD can just stay home. We'll see what BM says. DH made very sure to explain that the counselor was the one who wanted the visit cancelled for SD's well being.

The counselor also suggested that SD should go for sole legal and physical custody with BM having EOWE visitation, but that DH should have the power to cancel any visit if he feels its in SD's best interest. The counselor also said that she was under the impression that BM didn't have a place to live at all, that she was couch surfing and dragging SD along with her and THAT is part of the reason that SD doesn't know where she's going to be when.

DH asked BM to go to mediation with him. He's going to show her EVERYTHING he has (the declaration from SD's occupational therapist,  the letter from SD's counselor, EVERYTHING) and let her know that this is what the professionals working with SD feel is in SD's best interest to have things be this way.

by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:01 AM
Replies (31-40):
mrslmac
by Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 12:49 PM
Reading your post I went back in time. My husband and I have been through everything your experiencing right now. I wish I could tell you it gets better, it's been 7 years and we still battle with BM. It's emotionally draining for y'all and ESP for the little girl. She'll need lots of love and support. Good luck
Frustrated10
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:00 PM

Thanks for explaining what could happen. It seems that the law doesn't stand on the side of the child but instead protects the crazy parents.

I know you said that sd has a phone on her moms plan and its not a smart phone. Do you have a smart phone/Iphone? If so, can you get sd a smart phone on your plan so locating her would be easier with a app? Or just switch your smart phone for hers for a time she is with her mom. That wouldn't cost anything or create a new contract. Just a thought.

I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts, especially the child.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

If she didn't go to mom on Sunday, mom files comtempt of court and DH would be found in contempt of court. If that happens two times then there's a very high chance that custody could be reversed and mom would have custody.

We've consulted with several people about this, and unfortuantely, there's no way around sending her, unless we want to risk mom filing contempt of court. And that could greatly effect our ability to get a judge to agree with the new proposed parenting plan and temporary orders.
 

 

Quoting Frustrated10:

I feel so sad for the little girl, I don't know how you do it. I hope she doesn't have to go this Sunday. I am glad that you and her dad know how to navigate the system. What would happen if she just didn't go this Sunday? What if Dad told Mom she isn't coming? I'm only asking because I have no experience with CO's and child custody disputes.

 

 


 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:20 PM

I'm going to look to see if there's an app we can put on her phone that will allow for GPS or something. It's not the same type of app market like the iphone market or android market.


Quoting Frustrated10:

Thanks for explaining what could happen. It seems that the law doesn't stand on the side of the child but instead protects the crazy parents.

I know you said that sd has a phone on her moms plan and its not a smart phone. Do you have a smart phone/Iphone? If so, can you get sd a smart phone on your plan so locating her would be easier with a app? Or just switch your smart phone for hers for a time she is with her mom. That wouldn't cost anything or create a new contract. Just a thought.

I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts, especially the child.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

If she didn't go to mom on Sunday, mom files comtempt of court and DH would be found in contempt of court. If that happens two times then there's a very high chance that custody could be reversed and mom would have custody.

We've consulted with several people about this, and unfortuantely, there's no way around sending her, unless we want to risk mom filing contempt of court. And that could greatly effect our ability to get a judge to agree with the new proposed parenting plan and temporary orders.
 


Quoting Frustrated10:

I feel so sad for the little girl, I don't know how you do it. I hope she doesn't have to go this Sunday. I am glad that you and her dad know how to navigate the system. What would happen if she just didn't go this Sunday? What if Dad told Mom she isn't coming? I'm only asking because I have no experience with CO's and child custody disputes.







MrsMama030912
by Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 7:54 PM
Have you spoke with BM about what she supposedly said ? How old is sd ?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 8:27 PM

SD is 13 and we were advised by SD's counselor NOT to try to discuss the issue with BM because BM has a history of taking things out on SD.

I don't think BM would ever kill SD. I do think that with her temper, she has the potential to strike out and hurt her, and she could potentially hurt her pretty badly especially considering the size difference (SD is 4'11" and about 110 pounds, BM is 6' and a good 350 pounds). I'm fairly certain the statement of wanting to "beat SD to death" was said in anger and frustration for the situation. However, SD says she was afraid that BM would hurt her because BM was REALLY mad.

This isn't the first time BM has struck out at SD verbally and been aggressive towards her, it's the first time (that we know of) that BM has made a threat towards her. BM is not mentally stable in my opinion. This is a woman who's been provided SD's summer schedule for therapy and counselor SEVEN times (5 times via email and twice verbally) and STILL texts or calls me unsure of what's going on with SD.


Quoting MrsMama030912:

Have you spoke with BM about what she supposedly said ? How old is sd ?



somemore83
by Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 1:21 AM

This is horrible, I hope everything works out. 

Doodle39
by Bronze Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 4:35 PM

I hope all goes well.  


MrsMama030912
by Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 7:43 PM
Oh ok. I just wasn't sure how old she was.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 7:59 PM

No worries, I didn't specify.

And actually, BM just replied to an email about child support and asked about why SD would want to lower visitation. BM is accusing us of putting it in SD's head, for what purpose I'll never know.

SD brought the issue up to her counselor MONTHS before DH discussed it with her counselor. And after DH discussed it with her counselor he asked SD what she wanted. He didn't tell her anything, just asked what would make HER happy.


Quoting MrsMama030912:

Oh ok. I just wasn't sure how old she was.



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 18, 2013 at 8:15 PM

bump for update #4

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