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Recently blended family help!

Posted by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:22 AM
  • 98 Replies
I've been w my fiancé for 4 years and this whole time his two children 5 and 12, have not been allowed around us..ex issues...I have two children 5 and 10 and we have one together 2 yrs old. All kids united for fist time this weekend. Went great but huge change and I was a bit overwhelmed! I was surprised by how he treats his 5 yr old who acts alot younger then my 5 yr old! He carries him everywhere which then upset my 2 yr old. When I mentioned we may want to have him walk more ect he exploded on me. How r we ever going to work if I can't suggest anything? Worried! Help! Will it get easier?
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:22 AM
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:36 AM
4 moms liked this

He hasn't seen his 5yo in 4 years? I don't think I'd be picking apart how he interacts with them when he hasn't seen them in 4 years. His 5yo is a stranger to him. I would expect he'd be over the moon at finally seeing his child, so I wouldn't criticize him for carrying him around.

How often do you think he will see his kids going forward? was this a one-time thing or will he have regular visitation?

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:40 AM
Why hasn't he seen his kids in 4 years. Of course the 5 year old acted very young, he was probably confused and a little scared...
EmbraceTheChaos
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:52 AM

I haven't experienced the specific circumstances you are encountering but in general, it doesn't necessarily get easier, you just learn to make things function in a way that works better for you, your fiance and your children. Try to be patient. Just because things are happening a certain way now, it doesn't mean they will always be that way. You and your fiance need to be able to communciate about how to handle all the children in your family together, but it may take some time. You may be better off talking to him about how he is feeling, what his concerns are, what his fears are right now before making suggestions on how to maintain a united front as parents. It's all new and I'm sure your fiance is feeling overwhelemed just liek you are. It's hard not to be a little defensive when you're already stressed and trying to make up for lsot time. ...You might just have to alter your approach first so your fiance feels the support he needs to be able to process what is happening and then make decisions in the children's best interests.

Given_to_Fly
by Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:54 AM
3 moms liked this
Give the guy a break, he hasn't seen his kids in ages. Of course he wants to lavish them with attention, wouldn't you if the shoe was on the other foot. And not all kids mature at the same rate, so give the kid a break too. You sound a bit jealous.

Chill out and back off both dad and the kids. Trust me, if you don't you will be in here in a matter of months complaining about EVERY LITTLE THING they do "wrong" in your eyes and how you "wouldn't raise them that way".

Lastly, do not criticise how your husband parents his children
The only one you get a say in is the one you two have together. His kids have 2 parents, they don't need a third. Stay in your boundaries.
Kplus5
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 11:31 AM
No he has seen his kids all along but at their house! He just couldn't have them around me and my kids and their sister!
LoveMy2x4
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this

My SO babied his youngest for awhile when we blended. She was used to being the baby of the family, and my 2 kids are both younger than her. He is probably just trying to make his kid feel secure and not jealous. Your 2 year old gets him all the time. This is very new for his kids. Time will sort most of that out. But you need to give them all time to adjust. Dont jump down his throat over the small things. Watch what he does and how they act for AWHILE. A few months. Over time, if there are things that concern you that dont iron themselves over time, then bring it up to him in a way that isnt making him feel like you are critisizing him. Dont put him in the position where he has to be defensive to you.

spicy0425
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 11:43 AM

Give it time. This happened to me too. When my husband and I first got married, (we dated for more than 2 yrs roughly previously), we attended OSD's school event. She was 7 at the time. We were with BM, BM's family and OSD jumped on my husband and he carried her all the way from school back home. It took me a year to finally tell him "that's enough. She has 2 feet and she is 8 yrs old, not an infant. You're an enabler to allow her to be handicap. There are many different ways to show your affection for your daughter. Carrying her around at 7 yrs of age is definitely not one of them!!". He of course protested and disagreed because nobody wanted to hear that they did something wrong, especially my husband had been the main care provider for his daughters since they were babies. But deep down he knew what was appropriate and what was not. Give it some time.

spicy0425
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 11:45 AM

Also, since you have a 2 yrs old together, why don't you give the 2 yrs old to him and not say a thing? I think is is a legitimate tactic to distract him.

packermomof2
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:23 PM
1 mom liked this

You suggesting that he not hold one of his kids because your youngest didn't like it isn't how you start suggesting things.  He can do that.  Your youngest doesn't have to like it.  I held my kids when they were five, six even. 

Kids are only little for so long.  Parents are allowed to do things with their kids even if others don't  like it.  You do with your kids what you like and dad can do the same. There is no point in suggesting things here.

packermomof2
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 12:25 PM
1 mom liked this

Quoting spicy0425:

Also, since you have a 2 yrs old together, why don't you give the 2 yrs old to him and not say a thing? I think is is a legitimate tactic to distract him.


Distract him from holding his oldest? Why would any SM want to do that?
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