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How did your DH get custody?

Posted by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:01 PM
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I am curious how your DHs gained joint to sole custody of their children? Our battle has been a long one, ...one coming to an end, but I am curious if the BM put up a fight, or at least a fake fight...and how the judges handled different situations. Why and how did DH get custody and how long did it take?
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
wyomom4
by Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:21 PM

 In my situation BM cut off all ties to my DH for 5 years. Then when the youngest was almost 7, CPS removed the kids for abuse and neglect. After 3 years of court cases, the 3 kids were placed with us and we got to start custody all over in our state. About 3 years after we got them BM moved to our town and became a Disneyland parent. Since she seemed to enjoy that role, we offered her a deal to stop the custody fight. My dh got sole custody in exchange for liberal visitation and no child support. She jumped at it. LOL But she still tells people that she has joint custody.

ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:38 PM

My Mom was on drugs. That's how my Dad got custody of my brother and I. She failed the drug evaluation and then didnt show up for the next hearing. That was 17 years ago.

SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:45 PM

In our situation BM and DH were young parents (19 & 18) when SS was born (2002). They married when he was 6 months old. Shortly after SS turned 2 (2004), BM took off with him when she found out she was pregnant (unsure at the time of who BD was). She kept him until her ODD was born and then brought SS back to DH and told him that she couldn't deal with both of them (roughly 6 months). DH was primary caregiver during that time and then DH and I got together the end of 2005/beginning of 2006. Near the end of SS's preK year (2007), BM had him for a weekend and then refused to send him home. DH and BM were still married, so BM was free to do this.

DH consulted an attorney and since we lived in a different state, DH was able to bring SS home when he got him back from BM (she gave him a visit after keeping SS from him for almost 2 months). DH then filed for a divorce and had the daycare/school and insurance information to show that he had been primary caregiver to SS.

DH wanted BM to sign the divorce papers, so he agreed to give her joint legal/physical custody with him being primary physical. BM didn't fight it and was awarded the minimum from our state, though she drug her feet and they had to go through the process 3 times before it was signed by a judge. Took just over a year (finalized in 2008). She did appear before a judge to fight the CS, but she lost.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM

 When DH and BM initially split up BM took the kids and DH had EWE.  That lasted 6 months and BM decided she wanted to move over 1000 miles away.  DH told her he could not move anywhere because of his job (BM was not working) so BM dropped off the skids and moved.  When the divorce was finalized about a year later, DH was formally given custody.

Leigh84
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 6:54 PM

It was easy and didn't take long at all BM didn't want the kids anymore. They actually lived w/us for a month before dh officially got custody b/c that's how long it took to get a mediation date. She didn't put up a fight.

Tx_stepmom
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:10 PM
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DH had to wait for 3 years after divorce to sue for custody.  It was in the divorce decree that he couldn't sue for or modify the custody agreement.  

In the meantime, we documented everything from phone calls to text to emails.  When the time was right he had her served with papers & restarining order preventing her from skipping with SS.  She had threatened in the past that she would leave the state with SS if he ever sued her custody.  We lucked out and she was served while we had SS for our month long visit during the summer.  She immediately folded within 15-20 minutes.  She tried to whine to the court about having to pay CS & part of the medical.  The judge didn't buy it.  BM didn't even bother to show up for cmediation or to court.  The judge gave DH everything he wanted.  We had physical custody of SS for 6 months before it was legal, since she reloinquished physical custody the moment she was served.  BM had no interest in fighting us because she knew that she would lose.  All she cared about was how much CS was she going to have to pay.  

DH & BM have 50/50 with DH being custodial parent.  BM is happy with that.  All she cares about is getting her visitation 1 weekday, EOWE & Summer visit.  She wants to be the "Disney Mom".  She has no interest in dealing with the day to day of raising a child.  She has left that up to DH & I.   

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:21 PM

Document EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. Contact between the child and each parent, contact between the parents, any missed visitations, any extra visitations she may give, document everything.

Any time BM doesn't follow the CO file contempt of court. 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:49 PM
If you don't mind sharing, I'm wondering how your relationship is with your mom now? How often did you see her once your dad had custody?

Quoting ChelseNichole:

My Mom was on drugs. That's how my Dad got custody of my brother and I. She failed the drug evaluation and then didnt show up for the next hearing. That was 17 years ago.

ritchhartm
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 10:51 PM
My husband and his ex had joint until my SS was 5. Each had asked to be in charge of controlled expenses at one point before that. The judge awarded the bm to be in charge of controlled expenses,so we had to pay cs to her. She refused to pay for some controlled expenses. She also didn't help pay her half for his preschool, which was the deal in their original divorce decree, so we paid it all. She filed for custody before my SS went to kindergarten. We wanted him to go to our school system and she wanted him to go to hers. They each testified they wanted him to go to the smaller school, but she didn't do her research. The school he would go to in our district was smaller. Our attorney also caught her in several lies/discrepancies in court. Her and her witnesses also made a big deal about my husband not being a Christian as if they expected the judge to rule based on religion,which would be unconstitutional. The judge even got tired of it and told her attorney to let it go. In the end the judge decided to leave it at joint but my SS goes to the school in our district, so we have him primarily during the school year and the bm has him primarily during the summer. Since we don't have him half the summer, it is still considered joint instead of primary but really we have him more. My SS is 7 and will be going into 2nd grade. The bm filed for custody in Oct before he turned 5 and we went to court 3 times during the following summer and the judge ruled that August for my SS to go to our school. It is a long stressful process. Make sure you keep lots of documentation and do research on schools etc.
ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Jul. 15, 2013 at 11:34 PM

Well... now, today, its pretty good, surprisingly.

My Dad and Mom separated when I was 7, my brother 5. My Dad says she didn't want to stop partying and grow up and raise us so he left. After he did she got really bad into drugs, or worse into drugs maybe I should say. My parents and us lived with my maternal grandparents prior to the split. For maybe a year or so we were seeing my dad every weekend and he was paying my Mom child support (not court ordered). My mom never used the money on us, and instead her habbit. He started giving my Mommom the money instead and would say we would come with a haircut or a new outfit so he could see the difference in the use of it. My Mom was never home with us, so it was my Mommom who was primarily taking care of us. My mom would say she was going down to the store (located next to a bar) for cigarettes and would be right back and we wouldnt see her for days. My Dad documented alot. and after a year or so he took my Mom to court for custody. She showed and failed the drug evaluation. At the next date she didnt show at all. But my grandparents did... they tried to fight to keep us there...but my dad had a stable home and was a fit parent and so they saw no reason why my grandparents should be raising us if we had an able and willing parent. We got weekend visitation with my grandparents. After that it got MUCH worse with my mom and we almost never saw her...for 7 years or so. and when we did she would be sleeping off whatever binge she was on for like 3 days and then be gone again for weeks or months. We didnt know where she was, if she was alive, dead, hurt, etc.  It was tough, and as a naive child i blamed my dad and sm since things were like that until everything changed...which put a big strain on my relationship with them. I was very difficult for them and pretty much ONLY wanted to be with my grandparents 24/7. Which my Dad let me do. If i was off school on a friday they picked me Thursday night, spring vacation, summer vacation, christmas vacation, all spent at their house. I never wanted to be home. After I grew up though i realized my mom was making her own choices and no one was twisting her arm...and I wished I wasnt so rough for my Dad. When I was 14 my Mom came back around. She had a 1 year old baby (Not hers) that she was taking care of. To me, that was a HUGE slap in the face. My brother and I werent important enough for her to have anything to do with  and when she starts coming back around shes raising someone else's child?? Seriously?? Those feelings passed quickly for me though because I knew what it felt not to have a Mom around and didnt want that baby to feel that too. She still wasnt very consistent with seeing my brother and I though, she lived in and out of hotels with the baby and his dad, and still had issues. In 2006, they all disappeared for about 5 months or so.. getting high...with a 5 year old with them. It was extremely nerve wrecking. It wasnt until the following year when he had to start school that they got a house and settle down. and that's where she's been ever since. She's had a few times "off the wagon" since then...but she's been clean clean for almost 2 years now. The baby just turned 13 in June. He's met his BIO mom maybe 2 times in the last 13 years. He only knows my Mom as his mom and our family as his. Now, I talk to my Mom basically everyday. Sometimes things are strained because I dont forget anything. and my mom will say things about stuff my brother and I did as kids...and it drives me nuts because she wasnt there and I dont like her pretending she was. I'm pregnant and she is way excited...and she recently made a comment that "this was her second chance" because she screwed up so bad with my brother and I. My brother is much more easy going about it. But I still harbor alot of resentment and anger. I used to not want to be a parent because I was so afraid I would screw the kid up like she did to us. 

The positives I've taken away from it are that I know exactly how it feels to have a parent who views other things as more important than you are. And because of that I know how I would NEVER want to make my child and SK's feel. (also why my SK's BM bugs me so much because she puts them on the backburner) Also, I've seen the effects of drugs first hand and how it destroys people and breaks people and because of that I've never had any desire to try them, do them, nothing.

There were times though after the she was taking care of the baby when she would slip up....and I would get to the point where I felt like I was just done...that I couldnt be associated with someone who lives that lifestyle when I dont myself. One time i babysat for her....T was 2... and they were staying at a hotel. it was suppose to be one night...I was 16 and they left me for the WEEKEND with a 2 year old and basically no food or money. I scraped change together to get microwave popcorn from the vending machine and it got stuck coming out. I called my grandparents and they picked us up on sunday on their way back from an out of state funeral. Another time when I was 18 she was high an got in my face and said she never wanted to see me again and all this stuff. it was really rough at times. 

Quoting OvrMyHead:

If you don't mind sharing, I'm wondering how your relationship is with your mom now? How often did you see her once your dad had custody?

Quoting ChelseNichole:

My Mom was on drugs. That's how my Dad got custody of my brother and I. She failed the drug evaluation and then didnt show up for the next hearing. That was 17 years ago.


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