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At a roadblock!

Posted by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:02 PM
  • 26 Replies
My fiancé and I are to married next month, this past week and half baby momma has been getting worse than normal. She has requested my fiancé no see his daughter until we go to court old her lawyer he refused to give her back when she in reality refused to meet us to pick her daughter like she does every week, instead she wanted to again have us send her daughter to her moms so she can watch her. Our lawyer advised if she doesn't pick her up then we keep her.

My issue is this my soon to be step daughter is 3 came back this weekend and said this "my mom said you are stupid I don't have to listen to you because are nothing. She said her and daddy are not married because I you" her dad and I were very shocked cause she has never never treated me like this, she had been excited for the wedding and really always affectionate and close with me. She i lovable and a cuddlier with me and this past visit she was not the child she was when she won't back, mind you she only spent two days with her mom. The truth is my fiancé and her mom were Never married, they split before I even met my fiancé. This baby momma has never made an effort to be there for her daughter since I came into the picture, she has never held a conversation with me and has only invited me once to be around her and personally I think it was just to see what I looked liked. She consented blames me for them going to court which yes I will take the blame for that! She blames me for losing her daughter which I will not take the fault for. She walked all over my fiancé made him take his daughter when ever any hour of the night, spent her entire paychecks on toys and then would make him pay for half cause she needed money. He gave her child support what the state required but she wanted more. We have had her in dance for a yer now and she has only show up to one class and hasn't paid for any of her dance tuition or dance materials, but yet I'm the bad person When I have done nothing but accept and live her child. I now she is 3 and what she said is a repeat of what her mother told her but I'm hurt and upset and feel like right now I need to back off from her but how do I do that without hurting my fiancé and making it seem like I don't care for the child when I do but at this point she wants nothing to do with me anymore. My fiancé can't bring this issue up with baby momma since the lawyer advised him to have no more communication with her only text when he is picking her up an dropping off because she goes crazy on him. I'm at a loss and torn because I love my little family but it seems for my step daughters sake I have to leave her be and hope her mom stops.
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Nml71011
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 4:05 PM
Sorry for the typos and spelling did this in a rush from my phone.
wyomom4
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 5:02 PM
1 mom liked this

 This is the time for your DF to step in and parent his child. Even at 3 she can be told that she does have to be nice to you because she needs to be nice to everyone who is nice to her. And that mommy's rules are ok for mommy's house, but daddy's rules are to be followed in daddy's house.

And I know it's hard but at her age, she doesn't really understand what this all means. So try and stick it out. Kind of like when my then 3 year old said she hated me, I just said "that's ok, I still love you." Pretty much ends it.

minimoo
by Gold Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 5:18 PM
I'm confused. What is the custody arrangement?
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 5:28 PM
1 mom liked this

Next time please type slower, don't be in such a rush.  Maybe this would make a bit more sense. 

Your problem is with your fiance, not your sd3, not BM.  BF can talk to his DD3 and tell her she must be respectful.  He can tell her that people feel differently about other people, and it's ok to feel differently, but it's not ok to be rude.  She's 3, she's not doing anything on purpose. 

BF should follow his lawyers advice and not bring this up to BM. Do you truly think BM would say 'oh, my, you're right! I was so wrong to tell our child that!  I won't do it again!'???  I doubt it.  Anyone who's that manipulitive won't likely respond well to a former spouse telling her what she should/shouldn't do.  Worry about what your fiance tells his dd when she's with him, not what BM tells the little girl. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 5:30 PM

I am also confused.   All this based on what a 3yo said? 


Nml71011
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 5:43 PM
There isn't a custody agreement we are going to court right now to get things straighten out. My fiancé has her Fridays to Monday if she decides to pick her up if not we keep her her mom is suppose to have her Monday night to Friday morning but that never works out. Our lawyers say since both parents are on the birth certificate and no court papers neither really have to follow any days but we try too so she has consistency. My SD has had major changes happen in the past two years with her mom her mom has moved them several times and had two other children within the two years.


Quoting minimoo:

I'm confused. What is the custody arrangement?

Given_to_Fly
by Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 5:43 PM
4 moms liked this
First off, stop referring to her as baby momma. It is derogatory. This is your SDs mother,as hard as it may be, show some respect.

Secondly, she sounds like she is in a bad place in her life. Show some compassion. Three year holds also aren't a very reliable source of information. Just saying.
Nml71011
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 5:53 PM
Her dad ha talked her several times and then her mom comes back and tells her daddy wrong, he tells her she needs to be nice and now is actually telling dance class is out of the question if she cannot be polite. Baby momma has also recruited her mother to talk to her daughter about me. Her dad doesn't invoke his family in this and his family knows how baby momma can be and doesn't like her but they really don't know what she has been doing so it dad trying to teach his daughter right from wrong against baby momma and her family.


Quoting jules2boys:

Next time please type slower, don't be in such a rush.  Maybe this would make a bit more sense. 

Your problem is with your fiance, not your sd3, not BM.  BF can talk to his DD3 and tell her she must be respectful.  He can tell her that people feel differently about other people, and it's ok to feel differently, but it's not ok to be rude.  She's 3, she's not doing anything on purpose. 

BF should follow his lawyers advice and not bring this up to BM. Do you truly think BM would say 'oh, my, you're right! I was so wrong to tell our child that!  I won't do it again!'???  I doubt it.  Anyone who's that manipulitive won't likely respond well to a former spouse telling her what she should/shouldn't do.  Worry about what your fiance tells his dd when she's with him, not what BM tells the little girl. 


sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 15, 2013 at 6:15 PM
why are you the reason why they're in court all the time? Are you pushing him to do it?

and if so, why? Why can't he initiate that on his own?
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jul. 15, 2013 at 6:16 PM
1 mom liked this

The little girl is THREE YEARS OLD.  According to what I think you've said, you and fiance have this little girl Friday through Monday, and often more than that because BM (birth mom, not baby momma), doesn't always pick her DD up when she's supposed to on Monday.  Ok, so that mean this little girl is with you and her father for at least half of the time, if not more.  Why do you think that BM and her mom (or whoever else you believe is trying to do this) are trying to sway this little girl and have more 'control' over her than you and your fiance do?  Do you or her father spend any time with her?  If so, you have at least as much time to undo whatever it is you feel BM is doing, or not doing, to her. 

Get over calling this little girls mother 'baby momma'.  Get over feeling that you're better than her (if you don't feel that way then I apologize, but the tone I'm reading in what you have to say about BM is that you're so much better than her.  It's not your place to be 'better'.  You're marrying this little girls father, that's it.  You aren't replacing her still active (even if not to your standards) mother). 

If this 3 year old is watching TV she could just as easily be influenced by some of the shows on Disney, Nick, and others.  They're often about running over the parents, especially how a very young child could interpret them. 

Maybe BM is telling her child all of these things.  Maybe BMs mother is too.  But, you can only control what happens in your home with your fiance.  You won't change or control what happens anywhere else.  Concentrate on being the same person you've been for SD.  Concentrate on seeing that fiance gets into court to get a CO for custody/visitation and CS for his little girl.  Then concentrate on your new family and stay consistent with SD.  Do not blame a 3yo for what she can't control. 

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