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need some advice on bd

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:32 AM
  • 12 Replies
Hello I'm a step mom to my step son of 2and half
years. My husband and I have been having this endless fight
Abt bm and I don't know what to do anymore.
Here's the fight or argument topic.....husband hates birthmom
And wants to never see or talk to her again.
I have a few issues with it makes me mad because. Hello!
Its your sons mom and just because you don't like her now is your prob
That you need to just get over for your son sake. And 2 do you hate bm
So much cuz you have feelings for her that you are trying to surpress.

I can over come issue 2 but issue 1 I can't! Why can't biological parents just
Get along. For goodness sake its not about you or your feelings its abt
Your childs well being and how they feel so grow up and get over your self
(Not talking abt anyone on this site mostly just some ppl I know and
Mainly the birth parents in my step son life.

So how can I help my huband overcome his hateful feelings so that
My step son can have the happy family he so much deserves? Or
Am I just dreaming hopelessley and need to just get over myself and move on?

NO BASHING LADIES! If u can't say something nice then say nothing
And read someone elses post who doesn't care.
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:37 AM
I hope he doesn't talk ill of her in front of his son. That will make his son resent him. Even if he doesn't talk bad about her in front of him, he will sense his dad's agitation because of his mom. This can cause his son many problems in the long run. Guilt, anxiety, anger etc. Ask him if he wants his boy to grow up an angry child or a depressed one.
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 4:42 AM
You can't make anyone like anyone else. However you can co-parent with some patience and tolerance. Seek ways to encourage DH to try this. The Good Divorce book is an excellent place to start. It is a positive read and gives excellent advice.
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 5:10 AM

 You can't make 2 people like each other.

by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 6:08 AM
Lets them figure out things between themselves. Refuse to participate in bashing of BM. Walk away if he wants to tell you how he hates BM.
How long ago they divorced?
Maybe his wounds are still fresh and he needs some time to get over it.
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by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 8:51 AM

 I agree with prior posts, don't engage in the bm bashing. Maybe it will make him realize it's time to move on, for his son's sake?

by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:16 AM

 Honestly, if he can't stand her, the best thing to do is limit interaction to text messaging and e-mail until he can get those emotions under control. 

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:57 AM
1 mom liked this
Really not an option to not deal...he doesn't need to be buddy buddy but he will have to deal and with civility...I let my DH fall flat on his face with this one...
Make him deal with her by simply refusing to do it...if you aren't there to communicate with her, he will HAVE her that he must do it in a civil can be just about business...pick-ups, drop-offs, stick to information about child's health and developmental progresses (ESPECIALLY) with potty training.
And walk away when he starts to bitch...just smile and walk away...tell him "we all have exes, maybe I didn't marry mine, but I had assholes in my past too, I'm not endlessly making them your problem, please stop making me constantly hear about your past, it's time to move on."
In time these techniques should ice out the emotional baggage and get it down to a working business relationship between DH and BM.
My DH stumbled...because several times he was a real ass...she would hang up, communication got cut off, schedules got screwed. I just kept reminding him that he did it to himself by being an ass...sure she could too but he didn't have to join her there...he finally got it and stopped be part of the problem...he at least stopped instigating shit...and started letting go of the anger and the fight...
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 11:03 AM
1 mom liked this

With my current DH I told him I invited BM to a party at our house.  (They hate each other)  His jaw dropped and I told him to go to his garage if it was a problem.  She came it went fine.  But other things came about since then.. now I hate her too.  

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:20 PM
I'm the step mom. The childs birth parents were never married. Bm had the child at 16 0r 17 Bd had child at 18.
They both are pretty sore abot thhe break up. Bd got with me almost immedietly after they broke up and bm hates me because of it. They think because the child is 2yrs old that he doesn't see or know what's going on but he does. I may not have children of my own but I can tell. My ss always converses with me abt his mom and what he did with his time with her but he doesn't with bd. Bd acts immature when it comes to bm and I'm tired of it. I can't stand to watch it. It breaks my heart and I have talked to bd on several occasions. Bm seems to be getting her self together she interatcs differently then she has with my ss which is good. Bm begaun acting differently after a afternoon taking pics at jcpennys. Bm watched me talking to her son and instructing him to behave and what not and that's when she begun to change. Bd has changed to but not where it matters most to the child. I will try your ideas. I hope it works because I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to walk away, the child may not be my responsiablity but I love my ss and I feel that if I don't protect him then he could grow up into an awful man. Ss is a great smart kid who just needs bd to suck it up and get over his anger and bitterness. Thanks ladies.
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:18 PM

In light of your other post, do you think this is a valid concern?

Quoting abbigail958:

And 2 do you hate bm
So much cuz you have feelings for her that you are trying to surpress.

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