Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Lying

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:18 AM
  • 6 Replies

 Alright so I realize that lying is a pretty normal things for children to do especially when they feel that the truth is going to get them into trouble. That being said we are having a lying issue. DH and I try very hard to lead by example when it comes to how we want our children to behave and we try not to lie. SS6 has on several occassions come over and told us about BM lying to the landlord or the car guy so that she doesn't have to pay them. SS6 is very confused about it and he always says mommy lied to them and lying is bad so why did she do that? DH and I have both witnessed BM get on to SS for lying so we know it's not a behavior that she encourages in her son.

SS6 is an extremely well behaved child who is almost never in trouble because he hates being in trouble and so a warning look or a please stop is all he ever needs to correct his behavior and he even doesn't like those. What I mean by doesn't like is he will get very sad and apologize. Lately, he has decided to start lying about the silliest things. For instance, I had laid out clothes and he was changing and I walked back into his room as he finished getting dressed and saw him hide the clean underwear in his hamper and I asked him hey did you change underwear and he said yes and I was like really? you didn't hide them in the hamper? and he said no. I pulled them out and made him change out of the dirty underwear and he got a time out because it was the third lie of the day and we'd already talked about it. The next morning he lied and said he had fed the dogs. Then he started lying not just to me but also to DH, again almost always about things that he wouldn't actually be in trouble for if he just told the truth and it has escalated to 5-6 lies a day. So the last two morning he has lied and really stuck to the lies and DH put him in fairly long time outs which leads to 30 minutes of tears and then he still can't tell us that he was in timeout for lying he says he was in time out for the little thing that didn't matter. DH has told him it's for lying and talked to him about why we don't lie and he gets in trouble every time we catch him lying.

Is there something we are missing? Is there something else that we can do? How do we help SS to understand that he is lying when he does not tell us what he actually did? How do we get him to understand that lying hurts other people and can end up hurting him beyond just a time out?

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:18 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-6):
mom-of-6girls
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 10:56 AM
1 mom liked this
I have a daughter and step daughter around the same age and i think that is the age where they really learn about lying. It sounds like the bm is making is seem like a normal thing despite telling him not to lie. And since he feels like she knows what she's doing, he is doing it at your house too test the boundaries. I simply tell my girls that lying is going to get them into more trouble. I allow them 3 chances to tell me the truth or they get grounded from something. Usually they are in it together and explain together but they know that I can tell when they're lying. (One starts the lie, gets stuck and the other finishes her sentence) and they won't look at me. He seems like a smart kid, and explaining to him straight out will give him understanding. Also explain to him the value of trust and the benefits of it especially when he gets older.
tiredmama42
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 11:10 AM

Keep trying.  Kids learn by example and as they grow hopefully they choose the right path.  My DH is a very honest man his ex and his girls  cannot tell the truth about anything.  I think its more of a habit.  Just simple things are lies and they are 17 - 22.   Its really frustrating.  Too late to try and correct ours but yours are still little .. good luck.. maybe just a phase. 

akm378mn
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 11:15 AM
1 mom liked this

One thing I did with my sd around that age when she was doing the same thing as your ss, I got her a book about lying.  Somehow, coming from a book, some kids seem to take it better and actually "get" what you're trying to teach them. 

It's just like when a teacher says something to sd, she thinks the teacher is right because they are an authority figure, but not mom or dad.  Sometimes kids don't really want to listen to what mom or dad are trying to teach them, but are more willing to listen to an outside voice.  (even a book)

Might not work for your ss, but maybe worth a try? 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 12:57 PM
1 mom liked this

Change the way you ask the questions. Instead of "did you change all your clothes?" Tell him, "let me see your dirty clothes." Rather than, "did you feed the dogs?" Watch him feeding the dogs.

Remove his ability to lie. Don't engage the lies. If you DO catch him in a lie, walk away. Don't engage, don't argue with him about it. Just walk away.

SD has a LOT of issues with lying, she's scared of getting into trouble. Her mom screams and yells at her when she gets into trouble, so she's gotten into the routine of lying about everything to avoid getting into trouble. And, I mean EVERYTHING. DS took the garbage out, SD was in the kitchen so I asked her if there was a new bag in the trash can, she says yes. A few minutes later I  go to throw something away and there's no bag in the trash can. The point of lying was what? I have NO clue.

So, I've rephrased my questions, or I just look myself and I remove the ability for her to lie. When she does lie, I just tell her I'm very disappointed that she chose to lie to me and I walk away. The more intense the punishment, the more "fear" of getting caught causes MORE lies.

We've nearly completely taken care of the lying issues. She rarely lies now. And when she does, we tell her we're disappointed she chose to lie to us and walk away.

SMInProgress
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:17 PM
2 moms liked this

Yes, keep trying.  We tell the truth. BM lies & has major delusions, justifies not paying her share of the bills to her mother...yes she still lives with her mother!  Apparently no one advised BM's mom that lying is a big no no for a child to contiue doing till their 40s. 

Skid is in teens also. He lies about everything but we don't let him get away with it.  If we had custody when he was younger, it would have made a difference.  Yours will be confused at first but just because he witnesses the consistencies.  That's kind of a good sign so just keep pointing out what flies & what doesn't :)

Quoting tiredmama42:

Keep trying.  Kids learn by example and as they grow hopefully they choose the right path.  My DH is a very honest man his ex and his girls  cannot tell the truth about anything.  I think its more of a habit.  Just simple things are lies and they are 17 - 22.   Its really frustrating.  Too late to try and correct ours but yours are still little .. good luck.. maybe just a phase. 


SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:35 PM
1 mom liked this
Keep at it. When our kids lie, they get double punishment. One for the lie and another regarding what the lie was about (ex not taking out the trash). Its our way to show that you get into more trouble when you lie. Both our kids were really bad about it around age 5-6. We also connect it with trust. If a kid has been lieing and then asks to do something, we say no because we can't trust them to make good decisions.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)