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Need advice. At a road block.

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:47 PM
  • 9 Replies

My name is Kaycee and I am the mother of a 3 year old boy. 

I just recently started dating this wonderful guy a little over 2 months ago. Things are going great! Couldn't be more in love with him. Anyway...he has an 8 year old daughter. Her and my son get a long great! Already acting like siblings :) the only issue that we're having is with his daughter. She's having a hard time with sharing her dad's affection with me. She's wanting more attention then she has ever wanted from him before. I talked to him about it and asked if he was spending less time with her and he said no. Everything's the same except now I'm in the picture. So instead of him just sitting on the couch watching a movie and her in her room doing her thing, I'm out there on the couch too and she feels left out. We include her in everything and try to make sure she doesn't feel left out. But she's super clingy, more so than she ever has been before. She cries about everything. Things she's never cried about before. She'll ask for a juice box and he'll tell her no and she just has this break down. Or she'll want to play with him and he's just not in the mood or exhausted from working all day and he'll tell her not right now and she runs to her room bawling. I don't know what to do. I feel like this is all my fault. That the loving, awesome relationship they had before is crumbling and I'm the reason for it. His daughter says she just wants to spend time with him. That's basically what it comes down to. He'll talk with her and when it gets down to it, she just wants to spend more time with him. He tells her that he isn't spending less time, she's just wanting more. And she realizes she's being ridiculous sometimes and over exaggerating things. She just doesn't know how to cope with it. 

I guess I should also mention that my boyfriend has been divorced for 6 years. And that I'm his first serious relationship since. His ex-wife is barely in the picture which is part of the issue too. His daughter misses her mom. But mom doesn't seem to care a whole lot. See's her maybe once a month. She's also engaged to some other guy and has 2 kids with him. I think its hard for her to see me with my son. He always has his mom. But he also doesn't have his dad. She doesn't understand that though. 

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to deal with this. More so not on my part. More so on my boyfriends part. He can't take the crying and clingyness anymore and he's starting to stress out about it. He's at a loss on how to deal with it. I need help!!

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:47 PM
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Replies (1-9):
LoveMy2x4
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:57 PM

Weekly date night. Make sure there is at least one night a week where it is ONLY him and his daughter. She might just be a little overwhelmed.

You say you have been only dating a couple months, but that her and your son seem to be acting like siblings. Maybe it is feeling a little rushed for her.

ChelseNichole
by Silver Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:08 PM

Hmm while I dont have this issue, I have SS's ages 14 and 5. I do encourage my SO to spend time with JUST them once in awhile. I think it's good for them. and I always wished my Dad would do this with my brother and I when we were young. At the same time you can spend a little 1 on 1 with you son too. Maybe that would work.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:24 PM

What types of things have you and your boyfriend's daughter done together?  If she really doesn't know you, it follows that she won't necessarily trust you, such that you may be perceived as a threat.

I think sometimes development of the bond between the prospective SP and SK helps eliminate the perceived competition.  It's also my opinion that if you want to date a person with kids, you must also date the kids.  You're entering into a relationship with multiple people, so it's important to work on a positive relationship with each individual.

amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:42 PM

Are you living with him? Personally *I* think you guys are moving a little too fast. Leave his house for just her and him and maybe meet them out to do things... Until she gets to know you she should have a space where then can just be together the 2 of them...

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:50 PM
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Here is my 2 cents.

My DH's twin DDs were 8 when I met them.  They went through that too.  Although not as extreme as your bf's daughter.  But there were little things, like one would want to watch a 'grown-up movie' with us and end up in DH's lap, SD#2 even went as far as to take his hand off my thigh and put it in her lap! LOL  At that point, I just got up and left the room so she could have him to herself.

If they were all together watching TV, I went and found something else to do.  That way, there was no argument about who was sitting next to me, next to daddy, next to each other.  I let them have their time with him.

I think you shouldn't always leave the room when bf's DD is with him, but let her have him all to herself once in awhile and go do something else.  She'll eventually calm down, I think.  Above all, don't take it personally, she's just jealous because you're the 'other woman' in dad's life...she's going to be a little territorial for awhile.

Give her her space with dad.  And when he tells her that he's too tired...take him aside and tell him that he should spend time with her...even if it's just vegging out in front of the TV.  He doesn't have to do anything at all to spend time with her.  I think she just wants him to be there and pay attention to her.

krudell
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:56 PM
1 mom liked this
She has totally done that before!! Take his hand away from so she can hold it lol And sometimes I do get up and go into another room or get on the computer or something. Its just hard. Its hard to see her like that when I know she wasn't like that before. Its hard to see my bf get so frustrated with her crying over every little thing.


Quoting sandeeyo:

Here is my 2 cents.

My DH's twin DDs were 8 when I met them.  They went through that too.  Although not as extreme as your bf's daughter.  But there were little things, like one would want to watch a 'grown-up movie' with us and end up in DH's lap, SD#2 even went as far as to take his hand off my thigh and put it in her lap! LOL  At that point, I just got up and left the room so she could have him to herself.

If they were all together watching TV, I went and found something else to do.  That way, there was no argument about who was sitting next to me, next to daddy, next to each other.  I let them have their time with him.

I think you shouldn't always leave the room when bf's DD is with him, but let her have him all to herself once in awhile and go do something else.  She'll eventually calm down, I think.  Above all, don't take it personally, she's just jealous because you're the 'other woman' in dad's life...she's going to be a little territorial for awhile.

Give her her space with dad.  And when he tells her that he's too tired...take him aside and tell him that he should spend time with her...even if it's just vegging out in front of the TV.  He doesn't have to do anything at all to spend time with her.  I think she just wants him to be there and pay attention to her.


Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:57 PM

Well, I mean... This is gonna probably sound bad, but your TWO months into a relationship with a guy and your son and his daughter have 1. already met their parent's new boy/girl friend and 2. are already acting like siblings... Doesn't that seem a bit FAST for that?

Are you guys living together? That could be another big issue for her.

I'd suggest weekly date nights for the two of you, and some time of weekly activity with just him and his daughter. This is all new to her, especially if her parents have been divorced for 6 years and she's only 8. She has no memories of a 2 adults and a kid, just her and dad. I think you should respect that and maybe give her and him a bit of space if you aren't living together, and if you are, everyone needs to make time for him to have some time with his daughter every day. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 16, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Yeah, it is hard, AND it's hard not to take it personally.  Been there.

Well, my SDs went through the crying thing too, but not because of dad.  I just think it's the age.  SD#1 used to cry at the drop of a hat over EVERY. LITTLE. THING.  It was all attention-based with her.  She'd trip over something and go, "Ow".  Then it would be quiet for a few minutes and then we'd hear a HOWL, "NOBODY CARES ABOUT MEEEEEE!!!!"  LOL  It got to the point where we were:  Are you dying?  Did you cut yourself?  Did it hurt really bad???"  SD:  Uhm, no.  DH:  Then why are you screaming?  SD: Uhm, I donno.  DH:  Well, if you want some attention or want to show us that you got hurt, if you're not crippled or lying in a pool of blood, come find one of us and SHOW US!!! Don't scream! lol

They're 12 now.  Still drama queens, but over older kid stuff and mostly because they get on each other's nerves.  If you're going to be with bf for the long run, you better strap yourself in because girls are a WHOLE NOTHER STORY.  I raised a boy myself.  He was much easier.


Quoting krudell:

She has totally done that before!! Take his hand away from so she can hold it lol And sometimes I do get up and go into another room or get on the computer or something. Its just hard. Its hard to see her like that when I know she wasn't like that before. Its hard to see my bf get so frustrated with her crying over every little thing.


Quoting sandeeyo:

Here is my 2 cents.

My DH's twin DDs were 8 when I met them.  They went through that too.  Although not as extreme as your bf's daughter.  But there were little things, like one would want to watch a 'grown-up movie' with us and end up in DH's lap, SD#2 even went as far as to take his hand off my thigh and put it in her lap! LOL  At that point, I just got up and left the room so she could have him to herself.

If they were all together watching TV, I went and found something else to do.  That way, there was no argument about who was sitting next to me, next to daddy, next to each other.  I let them have their time with him.

I think you shouldn't always leave the room when bf's DD is with him, but let her have him all to herself once in awhile and go do something else.  She'll eventually calm down, I think.  Above all, don't take it personally, she's just jealous because you're the 'other woman' in dad's life...she's going to be a little territorial for awhile.

Give her her space with dad.  And when he tells her that he's too tired...take him aside and tell him that he should spend time with her...even if it's just vegging out in front of the TV.  He doesn't have to do anything at all to spend time with her.  I think she just wants him to be there and pay attention to her.




jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2013 at 3:32 PM
1 mom liked this

I've been seeing someone for nearly a year now (10 months).  Our older boys know each other (through their shared EC).  SO and I have known each other for 4 or 5 years now (through the EC our sons play).  I know his DD, he hasn't met my YDS yet.  Through this, our kids do NOT know we're seeing each other, yet.  Neither of us want to let the kids know until he and I know this will be long term/permanent and right now we can't say that.  We do enjoy each others company, a lot, but there are differences too, and we're not sure, yet, if we can compromise enough to make this permanent.  He's also still dealing with some things from his former marriage.  We've both been divorced since 2005 however, so this isn't rushing anything. 

You're in 2 whole months.  It sounds like you've moved in together.  Even if you haven't this whole new 'family' atmostphere for this girl is brand new to her.  She's likely seen it with her friends families but really, she's 8, her dad and mom have been divorced for 6 years, this is NEW, having someone else sharing dad's couch to watch movies, be in her home, share her toys with your little one, etc.  Give her a break, a long break.  All of her life that she can remember, it's been her and dad.  You said he's not had another serious relationship since the divorce, this is BRAND NEW to her.  Of course she's whining and crying, for seemingly no reason.  She has no words, no experience (life) to express what she's feeling, towards you, your son, her dad, even herself.  NONE. 

Advice for dad?  SLOW THE HECK DOWN!  Spend time with his dd, more than he did before, to let her know she's NOT being replaced, by you, by your son (younger, cuter, who knows what she's seen happen in friends families when a new baby comes along, babies are often spoiled, she could be projecting things she's picked up from others (friends complaining about the new baby or something) and imagining things in her own home.  She has NO experience sharing her father with anyone.  How else would she behave?  What did he expect would happen when he brought you and your kid home?  That she'd be overjoyed?  How would he feel if she brought home a stray dog or cat?  I'm NOT comparing you to a stray, but the feeling of having no 'vote', no 'voice' in the changes, yet also not really wanting to crush how happy she seems with this new pet (toy, person, whatever)?  At 8 she's not old enough to bring home a boy so I'm using a pet, something a lot of kids like or would want to have/be around.  It wouldn't diminish her love for her dad, but she doesn't know that, yet.  Having you and your child in his life now, in her home, won't diminish how he feels about her either, but again, she's 8 and doesn't know that, for sure...

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