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How to deal with your husbands hostile ex wife

Posted by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:39 PM
  • 33 Replies

I would love your opinion.

My husbands ex hates me - capital letters HATES me.  We have full physical custody due to addiction and mental issues.  I am a step mom of twins that are 3 and a boy that is 6. 

She tells her 3 year old daughter to not like me and that she shouldn't be friends with me.  I am close with my 3 year old step daughter and it makes her cry when she comes home and says "mommy says I can't love you" or "mommy says you aren't my friend"  it breaks my heart.

Obviously I cannot fix her but how do I foster a healthy relationship for my step daughter and help her when she is being told these horrible things?

Thanks.

by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:42 PM
4 moms liked this

How do you deal with her?  You don't. You let your DH deal with her.  HE'S the one that needs to step up and talk to BM about the hurtful things she says to their DD.

You just listen to your SD, and tell her you love her.  Then let DH talk to BM about what she's doing.

Tx_stepmom
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:48 PM
2 moms liked this

I went through the same thing with my SS.  His BM told him he didn't have to mind me, listen to me, etc....He enjoyed coming to our house.  He would beg us to stay when it came time to take him back home.  BM hated me too.  I had DH sit down and talk with BM and tell her to quit pitting SS against us.  I think that she was afraid that I was trying to take her place in SS life.  OMG!  He had a little more fun at our house than at hers.  Of course he would, we actually spent time with him.  She on the other hand would ignore him leavinghim to play video games all day in his room by himself.  Your SD will realize who is true to her and who isn't.  

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:49 PM

This.

And learn to meditate so you don't stress over the stupid things you can't control. 


Quoting sandeeyo:

How do you deal with her?  You don't. You let your DH deal with her.  HE'S the one that needs to step up and talk to BM about the hurtful things she says to their DD.

You just listen to your SD, and tell her you love her.  Then let DH talk to BM about what she's doing.



newwife1
by Silver Member on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:51 PM
4 moms liked this

You don't deal with her. AT ALL. EVER.

She is not YOUR problem. EVER.

You can't control what she tells the kid, just be kind to the kid and as she gets older she will realize the truth. My SS did and knows his mom is a raving lunatic.


CFSTBSM27
by on Jul. 17, 2013 at 9:56 PM
1 mom liked this
You don't deal with her. She's not your problem or concern. If what,she does irritated or offends you have to learn to as the saying goes "dust your shoulder off!" It your husbands job to stand by you and speak with HER about her unacceptable behavior. You just keep bring kind to skids it's not their fault. There's not a lot of sensory perception on situations with a 3 year like the one your describing. Just,be who you've been and not let her get to you. BM and I have HAD 13 YEARS of hatred and dislike to sour things but it has faded to civilness these days. It stinks but you cannot change what people act like (especially ones suffering from some type of mental disorder or addiction) but you CAN change how you allow it to affect your life. The,best advice is don't let it
SMInProgress
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 7:41 AM
1 mom liked this

Everyone here is right. Don't deal, speak to, respond to or acknowledge her.  But your BM sounds like ours. If her mental issues helped get you full custody at this age, then be prepared her mental state will progressively worsen the older the skid gets & the less control BM will have. Happened to us. We dealt with ignoring her for years & it was the most unbearable years of our relationship. I had to walk out a few times for DH to step up & take control of the problems with BM. After all I didn't marry & breed with her so not my problem. Only until she completely lost it & was caught on camera coming over in the middle of the night with seedy people threatening us, that's when I said no more. We were finally granted an RO.  Finally, peace & quiet.

teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on Jul. 18, 2013 at 7:49 AM
2 moms liked this
Addiction and mental illness is tough. And anyone who says you don't deal with her-isn't understanding the full reality of the impact on a 3 year old who is being told by a mentally ill/addicted parent - to not feel what is extremely natural to a 3 year old who is in your house and your care.

In this case I would support a stepmother saying "mommy just wants to make sure you understand that she's your mommy, always love your mommy and In our house, we are all free to love each other, there's plenty of love to go around."
CoachKristen
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 7:59 AM

On day 4 of Deepok's 21 day meditation.  That does help.  And you are right, I cannot control it, so I need to learn to control my emotions around it.  Thanks for that reminder.

CoachKristen
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 8:02 AM

teaching_kids.  I love the response and will def be using it with my SD.  Thanks so much.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Jul. 18, 2013 at 8:41 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't deal w/BM distance yourself from her as much as possible, she isent worth the head space. As far as your sd I would just focus on being a positive influence in her life and be there for her.
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