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Kind of a S/O... Kinda not.

Posted by on Jul. 19, 2013 at 1:30 AM
  • 18 Replies

Someone said that mom wants to be in control of everything in the situation.

Why is this is a problem if the other house doesn't want control?  

If mom wanting control bothers someone, does that mean that person wants the control? If not, no big deal, right?

by on Jul. 19, 2013 at 1:30 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 19, 2013 at 1:44 AM

I think it depends on prior family dinamics. 

When mom and dad were married was mom in control, meaning was she the one in charge of the day to day parenting? If so, then it would be natural for her to be in control post divorce.

In DH's situation he and BM were never together after SD was born, and BM willingly left SD with DH. DH was in charge of EVERYTHING. There was no one to consult with as BM wasn't there and didn't want to be there.

When BM took off with SD (which was partly DH's fault for letting BM take SD without a court order in place) BM decided that she'd take over EVERYTHING and DH wouldn't get an opinion at all.

Now that DH has custody BM has gone back to doing her own thing and ignoring DH and SD. DH will try to contact BM to get her opinion and worth together as the CO says, but BM just ignores him. So, he does what he thinks is best, and then when BM gets pissy she threatens contempt of court for DH making the decision on his own. Then she'll rant and rave about how things are supposed to be, and then disappear for a while doing her own thing before she gets pissed again and it starts over.

So, in all, I think it depends on whether or not mom had that control pre-divorce. 

packermomof2
by on Jul. 19, 2013 at 1:49 AM



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:
I'm not really asking about who was in charge at any point except for "now"... 
I'm a bit of a control freak and I realize that. If a SM complained that I'm a control freak I would assume that she wanted the control and that was why she was complaining that I was in control.  It wouldn't matter to me about how long I was in control.  It would just appear that someone wanted the control and they were upset that I had it... 
Which is how I see those "mom wants to control the situations" statements.  If SM doesn't want control it shouldn't matter that mom does.  If dad has a problem that is one thing... but since this is a board dedicated to women I'm going with the mom/sm angle.
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Jul. 19, 2013 at 1:59 AM

I f BD is on board with BM being in control where her child is control, I don't see why SM would have a problem with it.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 19, 2013 at 2:05 AM

Oh, I agree with that. If dad didn't have an issue with it, and all of a sudden SM's freaking out because BM has all this control... Well, the situation is what it is because BOTH parents allowed it to be so. It's not SM's place in 95% of situations to want to be in control or to complain about BM being in control. 


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:
I'm not really asking about who was in charge at any point except for "now"... 
I'm a bit of a control freak and I realize that. If a SM complained that I'm a control freak I would assume that she wanted the control and that was why she was complaining that I was in control.  It wouldn't matter to me about how long I was in control.  It would just appear that someone wanted the control and they were upset that I had it... 
Which is how I see those "mom wants to control the situations" statements.  If SM doesn't want control it shouldn't matter that mom does.  If dad has a problem that is one thing... but since this is a board dedicated to women I'm going with the mom/sm angle.



AnnieChristian
by on Jul. 19, 2013 at 2:46 AM
3 moms liked this
These are the problems that arise when Control Freak BM meets Control Freak SM.

"May the odds be ever in your favor."
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Jul. 19, 2013 at 7:44 AM
Nah, I'm a total control freak but not where the kids are concerned. They're not mine, so why make the effort to exert control I don't/can't have? One can be a control freak and still have perspective. ;-)

DH and BM are in the midst of an argument, resulting from her attempt to control application of the CO. He holds the cards, so I don't think he should have or needed to let her drag him into her hissy fit. But that wasn't my deal. I'm sure I'll be blamed nonetheless.


Quoting AnnieChristian:

These are the problems that arise when Control Freak BM meets Control Freak SM.



"May the odds be ever in your favor."

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luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jul. 19, 2013 at 9:20 AM
1 mom liked this
I do not have "control" in my house. J and I share it equally. We have a great family dynamic here and it works for us and the kids.

However, when bm tries to randomly insert herself and "control" things, yep that's a problem for me. Why? Because she has no place here. This is not her home, she has no right to control a single thing that happens in it. Usually she ends up getting told to STFU by me or J and we go on about our business. We don't allow her to try and take over anything. She makes an attempt, it gets squashed, end of story.
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Jul. 19, 2013 at 12:26 PM
Im a control freak. BF complained about it when we were married for awhile but when he had no desire or will to exert his own control (oh wait, he did, he fucked another woman) he realized he liked that i took on the parental role 100%. Lucky for me i am unaware of any desire SM has to control DDs.

I oft get frustrated that i cant exert somecontrol with skids. But i am completely aware it is a frustration i just have to deal with because i have no right to control. That frustration pales in comparison though to the emotions i feel regarding BMs need to control "her" children and treat DH as a non-entity worthy of nothing except time with "her"children because it is important they know their father. This has begun to shift ever so slightly due to some major issues with YSS. But only because, i think, she cant handle it alone and she needs DH.
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LoveMy2x4
by on Jul. 19, 2013 at 12:34 PM

I think it depends. I can see your point though. 

But I think if for example, BM were to say...."Ok, Skid need to wake up at 7, eat breakfast right away, brush teeth after breakfast, not before, then do reading, etc" and try and tell you exactly what you should be doing with skids while at your house at any given time, I would say oh hell no. And not because I want "control" but because that is just kind of crazy.

And I think thats more of an extreme example and not one that I have personally had to deal with...

ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Jul. 19, 2013 at 12:55 PM

I can see what you're saying completely, about being mad if you want the control yourself. I, myself, can be a bit of a control freak. At home, if the dishes arent in the dishwasher the way I like them I'm rearranging, if the towels arent folded how i fold them I'm refolding. I coach cheerleading, I handle all of the paperwork for the team in addition to coaching because I'm organized and feel if I let someone else do it, it wouldnt be right. I always hated working in group projects at school because you dont have control over the work everyone else does, etc.

BM doesn't really try to control things in our home, she barely controls them in her home...and is often calling SO because SS14 completely disregards anything she says. I feel that the things you would want to control in the OP's home are things that everyone should already be on the same page about. Like bedtimes, and bathing, and rules (for the most part), discipline, and things like SS5 not wearing pull ups to bed etc. I think kids need consistency in both homes...so the things worth controlling should already be agreed upon and done in both homes. If for some reason BM started to try to control ridiculous things in our home then it may be a problem for me...but only because it's my home...and BM really wouldnt have any place to control things in my and SO's home. Not because I think I should be controlling every situation instead. There are things SO and I think she should be doing in her home that we do in ours. SO usually tells her we're doing this now...it would be good if you did the same at your house, for consistency, but she doesnt always do it. Ultimately, we can't control what she does at her house and the end of the day. SS5 and the pull ups are an example of that.

But like I said, we dont really have much of a control issue, BM does what she wants at her house, and SO and I at our house. As long and the major things are being adhered to in both homes, we dont have too many issues.

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