Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 step kids

Posted by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 12:27 AM
  • 18 Replies

I need advice on how to be a good step mom. The kids call me mommy sometimes which I like and dislike. I am not able to have my own kids (heart breaker, I am going through depression because of this) my step kids are a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. I connect with the little boy but not wth the girl. Despite the fact that their mother is NEVER around...unless it is convenient for her, Lexi (6 yrs old) is such a mommys girl. and she wont let me forget it. she talks about her mother and how she misses her and wants mommy to live with us. Myhusband tells me not to let it bother me, shes just being a little girl, and I know thats true, but it does bother me ALOT. I believe that it is coming between her and I. To be honest, as bad as it sounds, I don't really like Lexi. Even though she is onlysix, she has such an attitude, so dramatic. I feel like I'm fighting with her over my husband. I don't know what to do! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!

tried to shorten up the 'story' a bit...any question feel free to ask,please.

by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 12:27 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
tapies2324
by Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 6:20 AM
Why? I'm not feeling the troll vibe on this one.


Quoting AnnieChristian:

This cannot be real.

sid1083
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 10:54 AM
1 mom liked this
Best advise is to get the depression under control first. Because the longer you wait the greater the likelihood you'll come to resent the situation and make a relationship that much harder between you and the kids. It's a long and ongoing battle, but you have to put yourself first.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 11:02 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree with pp. You might have resentment because of you not being able to have a child of your own. I have a 6yr old ss and yes 6 yrs olds can be annoying, dramatic and that's just kids. Esp at that age. Try not to take it personally when she talks about her mom. She is obviously hurting. Poor thing. Try to have sympathy for her. I'm sorry you can't have kids but maybe in future you and dh can adopt or you never know , miracles DO happen. :) . Try to stay positive and seek some counseling about your depression
runinpinkshoes
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

I can completely relate - I am also unable to have kids, and not being able to share in the parenting experience with my husband is so much more painful than I ever imagined it could be. For me, I don't mind that I'm not his kids' mom, I just really wish I could be a mom to kids of my own.

Regarding your 6-yr old SD always talking about her mom, I'm sure it's painful because it just reminds you of what you don't have. And there's not really a good way to forget that when the reminders are constant. :( 

What has helped me is, even though it's hard to see my husband be a dad but I don't get to be a mom, I realize that I'm not my SKs' mom. So I wouldn't expect them to act like I am, and their attachment to their own mom doesn't bother me. I just try to be their friend. I keep very low expectations of what I am to them so my feelings don't get too hurt. 



amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 11:52 AM
1 mom liked this
She talks about her mom because she is her mom. No matter how crappy a parent is..that's still her mom. Making those comments are not meant to hurt you.. they're her way of commenting on her mom's inconsistent visits.

She doesn't have to choose between you and her mom. But until you gain control over your depression and get rid of that resentment there will always be a wedge between you.

And a PP is right. Kids are dramatic..especially girls. You should hear some of things my 4 year old SD says. Lol
newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 11:53 AM
Piece of advice...when you talk to an infertile woman, you absolutely, I assure you, unless you are infertile yourself, have NO idea the struggle, don't be cavalier, stop at "I'm sorry". Your answer was insulting flippant BS...if you don't understand the walk don't make the wound worse.


Quoting Graceplustwo:

I agree with pp. You might have resentment because of you not being able to have a child of your own. I have a 6yr old ss and yes 6 yrs olds can be annoying, dramatic and that's just kids. Esp at that age. Try not to take it personally when she talks about her mom. She is obviously hurting. Poor thing. Try to have sympathy for her. I'm sorry you can't have kids but maybe in future you and dh can adopt or you never know , miracles DO happen. :) . Try to stay positive and seek some counseling about your depression

newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 11:59 AM
I agree here completely. I'm in the same place. There comes a separation from being the stepmom with the infertility struggle. I love my stepkids, they aren't mine. Honestly time has shown me too, I wouldn't choose these as my own...while I do love them, I love them as my husband's children. I would have raised my own differently, made very different choices. But DH is stuck...he's not coparent ing with me...he's coparenting with BM, and they are on vastly differing pages. I also would have had my MILs influence be far different. But that was a dynamic there far before I came along. The minute I realized I wouldn't choose these kids and dynamic for my own there was no competition. There was nothing to compete for...I settled into the stepmom role...and the infertility issue became something separate...


Quoting runinpinkshoes:

I can completely relate - I am also unable to have kids, and not being able to share in the parenting experience with my husband is so much more painful than I ever imagined it could be. For me, I don't mind that I'm not his kids' mom, I just really wish I could be a mom to kids of my own.

Regarding your 6-yr old SD always talking about her mom, I'm sure it's painful because it just reminds you of what you don't have. And there's not really a good way to forget that when the reminders are constant. :( 

What has helped me is, even though it's hard to see my husband be a dad but I don't get to be a mom, I realize that I'm not my SKs' mom. So I wouldn't expect them to act like I am, and their attachment to their own mom doesn't bother me. I just try to be their friend. I keep very low expectations of what I am to them so my feelings don't get too hurt. 




Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 12:21 PM
I'm sorry if my answer insulted you. Your right I have no idea because I do have a child but I was merly trying to be positive.


Quoting newstepmom61811:

Piece of advice...when you talk to an infertile woman, you absolutely, I assure you, unless you are infertile yourself, have NO idea the struggle, don't be cavalier, stop at "I'm sorry". Your answer was insulting flippant BS...if you don't understand the walk don't make the wound worse.




Quoting Graceplustwo:

I agree with pp. You might have resentment because of you not being able to have a child of your own. I have a 6yr old ss and yes 6 yrs olds can be annoying, dramatic and that's just kids. Esp at that age. Try not to take it personally when she talks about her mom. She is obviously hurting. Poor thing. Try to have sympathy for her. I'm sorry you can't have kids but maybe in future you and dh can adopt or you never know , miracles DO happen. :) . Try to stay positive and seek some counseling about your depression


newstepmom61811
by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this
The answers you gave are stabs in the dark, empty promises...most women will not have a miracle...and in the deep depths of their beings infertile women YEARN for their own children...not to raise someone else's by marriage or adoption...that's why it hurts, they want their own and can't, and the world around them goes on having babies.
The answers you have a re common ones when women don't really know what to say...say what your really feel and do know when you deal with an infertile woman...that you don't know how she feels (that's ok, believe she already knows it, and will respect and appreciate you admitting it) and that you can see it hurts and feel bad for her, that you wish there is something you could do, and if she needs anything, you're there (those are truths and the only honest commitments and answers that can be given). Always remeber...infertile women may never have a child in any way shape or form...and her solution may be only to learn to deal with the perpetual hole in her heart...the only commitment, promise, or solution you can even come close to making is to promise to simply support her.


Quoting Graceplustwo:

I'm sorry if my answer insulted you. Your right I have no idea because I do have a child but I was merly trying to be positive.




Quoting newstepmom61811:

Piece of advice...when you talk to an infertile woman, you absolutely, I assure you, unless you are infertile yourself, have NO idea the struggle, don't be cavalier, stop at "I'm sorry". Your answer was insulting flippant BS...if you don't understand the walk don't make the wound worse.






Quoting Graceplustwo:

I agree with pp. You might have resentment because of you not being able to have a child of your own. I have a 6yr old ss and yes 6 yrs olds can be annoying, dramatic and that's just kids. Esp at that age. Try not to take it personally when she talks about her mom. She is obviously hurting. Poor thing. Try to have sympathy for her. I'm sorry you can't have kids but maybe in future you and dh can adopt or you never know , miracles DO happen. :) . Try to stay positive and seek some counseling about your depression



Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 12:41 PM
Thank you for sharing your insight. I will deff keep that in mind :) I am truly sorry for my comment if it hurt you or op. Never my intention. I never thought about it as false hope, but I see what you mean


Quoting newstepmom61811:

The answers you gave are stabs in the dark, empty promises...most women will not have a miracle...and in the deep depths of their beings infertile women YEARN for their own children...not to raise someone else's by marriage or adoption...that's why it hurts, they want their own and can't, and the world around them goes on having babies.

The answers you have a re common ones when women don't really know what to say...say what your really feel and do know when you deal with an infertile woman...that you don't know how she feels (that's ok, believe she already knows it, and will respect and appreciate you admitting it) and that you can see it hurts and feel bad for her, that you wish there is something you could do, and if she needs anything, you're there (those are truths and the only honest commitments and answers that can be given). Always remeber...infertile women may never have a child in any way shape or form...and her solution may be only to learn to deal with the perpetual hole in her heart...the only commitment, promise, or solution you can even come close to making is to promise to simply support her.




Quoting Graceplustwo:

I'm sorry if my answer insulted you. Your right I have no idea because I do have a child but I was merly trying to be positive.






Quoting newstepmom61811:

Piece of advice...when you talk to an infertile woman, you absolutely, I assure you, unless you are infertile yourself, have NO idea the struggle, don't be cavalier, stop at "I'm sorry". Your answer was insulting flippant BS...if you don't understand the walk don't make the wound worse.








Quoting Graceplustwo:

I agree with pp. You might have resentment because of you not being able to have a child of your own. I have a 6yr old ss and yes 6 yrs olds can be annoying, dramatic and that's just kids. Esp at that age. Try not to take it personally when she talks about her mom. She is obviously hurting. Poor thing. Try to have sympathy for her. I'm sorry you can't have kids but maybe in future you and dh can adopt or you never know , miracles DO happen. :) . Try to stay positive and seek some counseling about your depression




Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured