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Bio-Mom is CRAZY!

Posted by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 2:26 AM
  • 49 Replies

My stepdaughter’s BM is overwhelming. I’m not exactly sure what the best way to handle her is. She is constantly obsessing over what we do with SD, and not in a healthy “I’m a mom and I am concerned” kind of way. She looks for things to scream about. And I do literally mean scream. At any given moment, she will call myself of DH and scream and cuss and hang up on us, usually about absolutely nothing. One of her latest rants was that we weren’t forcing SD to sleep in her own room because she was afraid. We were building her a pallet on the floor and allowing her to sleep in our room. I could understand BM’s frustration; except she lets my SD sleep in bed with her and her new husband (my SD is almost 6 years old). She said she didn’t know how we could LIVE with ourselves knowing our daughter was on the floor. Other times, she wants to be my best friends. If something doesn’t go her way, she screams about us never seeing SD again, and that she’s bringing us to court to have all of our rights taken away. She’s very manipulative. She never has SD best interests in mind (my 5 y/o SD has a FACEBOOK of all things). Any time anything good happens in our lives (moving into a new home, getting a pay raise, ect) things get REALLY bad for us because of BM. She’s had CPS called on her for cutting her current husband with a knife in front of our SD, and other reasons, but of course nothing gets taken care of. I could go on and on. Any suggestions? I hate this Jekyll and Hyde situation.

by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 2:26 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 2:51 AM
It's very easy for you to deal with - DON'T! Let your dh handle all communication. Do not be her target. If she calls you either don't answer or simply state 'you can discuss this with dh, thank you good bye'.
I did my first pick up in three years today Bc my dh was out of town this afternoon. I stopped doing them Bc bm used it as an opportunity to scream at me for random things. Guess what this was the first time in years dh has needed my help he was fine working it out on his own.
As for your dh dealing with her screaming- he can learn skills that will calm her or shut her down until she can have a civil conversation. He is also not obligated to listen to her insulting him. He can request all communication is done by email for example. Or what has worked for my dh is speaking very calmly yet with purpose until bm either hangs up ( usually to call back with a much calmer tone) or also begins to calm down. If she begins insulting him, he speaks in the same calm purposeful tone and let's her know he will gladly have an adult conversation.
TexasGirl90
by Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 3:00 AM

 Thank you for the advice. She just seems so impossible. And it's so confusing because her behavior is never a constant. There are times when she calls me "just to talk." I think that stems from the fact that she and I did have a friendly relationship at one point. She doesn't have very many friends, and I can understand that she is lonely. I think a big heart is a fault I have in this situation. It just seems like when there is nothing going on in her life, she NEEDS that drama. I try to make DH do all of the communications, but it usually ends up in a screaming match between the two of them. He is very hard to anger, most people have never even seen him irritated.. But being married to him, she certainly knows how to push his buttons. At one point, we all decided it would be best if me and her communicated instead of the two of them. BM and I worked out all of the drop offs, pick ups, weekend plans, ect. And this is how it goes most of the time. She didn't have his phone number, until she showed up at my house on Thursday of this past week screaming at him that she MUST have his phone number or he couldn't see my SD ever again. From then until today, she wasn't speaking to me. She was mad at me for some reason. At drop off today, however, she came to my window of the car and talked to me for over an hour like we were just the best of friends. When I am her "friend" she works with us and gives us more time with SD. However, if I ignore her, or put DH in charge, she shorts our time with SD, or tries not to send her to us at all. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot!


Quoting MommySabs:

It's very easy for you to deal with - DON'T! Let your dh handle all communication. Do not be her target. If she calls you either don't answer or simply state 'you can discuss this with dh, thank you good bye'.
I did my first pick up in three years today Bc my dh was out of town this afternoon. I stopped doing them Bc bm used it as an opportunity to scream at me for random things. Guess what this was the first time in years dh has needed my help he was fine working it out on his own.
As for your dh dealing with her screaming- he can learn skills that will calm her or shut her down until she can have a civil conversation. He is also not obligated to listen to her insulting him. He can request all communication is done by email for example. Or what has worked for my dh is speaking very calmly yet with purpose until bm either hangs up ( usually to call back with a much calmer tone) or also begins to calm down. If she begins insulting him, he speaks in the same calm purposeful tone and let's her know he will gladly have an adult conversation.


 

MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 3:03 AM
Is there no court order?


Quoting TexasGirl90:

 Thank you for the advice. She just seems so impossible. And it's so confusing because her behavior is never a constant. There are times when she calls me "just to talk." I think that stems from the fact that she and I did have a friendly relationship at one point. She doesn't have very many friends, and I can understand that she is lonely. I think a big heart is a fault I have in this situation. It just seems like when there is nothing going on in her life, she NEEDS that drama. I try to make DH do all of the communications, but it usually ends up in a screaming match between the two of them. He is very hard to anger, most people have never even seen him irritated.. But being married to him, she certainly knows how to push his buttons. At one point, we all decided it would be best if me and her communicated instead of the two of them. BM and I worked out all of the drop offs, pick ups, weekend plans, ect. And this is how it goes most of the time. She didn't have his phone number, until she showed up at my house on Thursday of this past week screaming at him that she MUST have his phone number or he couldn't see my SD ever again. From then until today, she wasn't speaking to me. She was mad at me for some reason. At drop off today, however, she came to my window of the car and talked to me for over an hour like we were just the best of friends. When I am her "friend" she works with us and gives us more time with SD. However, if I ignore her, or put DH in charge, she shorts our time with SD, or tries not to send her to us at all. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot!




Quoting MommySabs:

It's very easy for you to deal with - DON'T! Let your dh handle all communication. Do not be her target. If she calls you either don't answer or simply state 'you can discuss this with dh, thank you good bye'.
I did my first pick up in three years today Bc my dh was out of town this afternoon. I stopped doing them Bc bm used it as an opportunity to scream at me for random things. Guess what this was the first time in years dh has needed my help he was fine working it out on his own.
As for your dh dealing with her screaming- he can learn skills that will calm her or shut her down until she can have a civil conversation. He is also not obligated to listen to her insulting him. He can request all communication is done by email for example. Or what has worked for my dh is speaking very calmly yet with purpose until bm either hangs up ( usually to call back with a much calmer tone) or also begins to calm down. If she begins insulting him, he speaks in the same calm purposeful tone and let's her know he will gladly have an adult conversation.



 


TexasGirl90
by Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 3:12 AM

 There is. However, custody was settled through the attorney general, and not through the divorce. She figured out by talking to the police that even if she keeps SD from us, there is nothing police can do. We will have to file contempt of court, hire a lawyer, and go to court. And she can keep SD from us until the courts settle it. Police say its a "civil matter" and they have no authority. Basically our custody order is just paper. Might as well burn it.


Quoting MommySabs:

Is there no court order?


Quoting TexasGirl90:

 Thank you for the advice. She just seems so impossible. And it's so confusing because her behavior is never a constant. There are times when she calls me "just to talk." I think that stems from the fact that she and I did have a friendly relationship at one point. She doesn't have very many friends, and I can understand that she is lonely. I think a big heart is a fault I have in this situation. It just seems like when there is nothing going on in her life, she NEEDS that drama. I try to make DH do all of the communications, but it usually ends up in a screaming match between the two of them. He is very hard to anger, most people have never even seen him irritated.. But being married to him, she certainly knows how to push his buttons. At one point, we all decided it would be best if me and her communicated instead of the two of them. BM and I worked out all of the drop offs, pick ups, weekend plans, ect. And this is how it goes most of the time. She didn't have his phone number, until she showed up at my house on Thursday of this past week screaming at him that she MUST have his phone number or he couldn't see my SD ever again. From then until today, she wasn't speaking to me. She was mad at me for some reason. At drop off today, however, she came to my window of the car and talked to me for over an hour like we were just the best of friends. When I am her "friend" she works with us and gives us more time with SD. However, if I ignore her, or put DH in charge, she shorts our time with SD, or tries not to send her to us at all. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot!


 


Quoting MommySabs:

It's very easy for you to deal with - DON'T! Let your dh handle all communication. Do not be her target. If she calls you either don't answer or simply state 'you can discuss this with dh, thank you good bye'.
I did my first pick up in three years today Bc my dh was out of town this afternoon. I stopped doing them Bc bm used it as an opportunity to scream at me for random things. Guess what this was the first time in years dh has needed my help he was fine working it out on his own.
As for your dh dealing with her screaming- he can learn skills that will calm her or shut her down until she can have a civil conversation. He is also not obligated to listen to her insulting him. He can request all communication is done by email for example. Or what has worked for my dh is speaking very calmly yet with purpose until bm either hangs up ( usually to call back with a much calmer tone) or also begins to calm down. If she begins insulting him, he speaks in the same calm purposeful tone and let's her know he will gladly have an adult conversation.

 


 



 

Amy1973Potts
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 5:09 AM
1 mom liked this
My advice, seeing as her behavior is not constant and you are subjected to screaming? Completely, 100% disengage from her. Change your cell number. If you tell your carrier you are being harassed and take it to the store, they will issue you another number. DO NOT give it to BM.

This is your husbands issue. He married her, and divorced her, and if she behaved like THAT during their marriage, it's not hard to understand why. Don't subject yourself to her crap. Make him deal with it.
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....ClvrScn.
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:07 AM
I could have written this post myself but take out the cutting with a knife and replace with calling the police on her 5 year old daughter for being unruly and replace husband with boyfriend of the quarter. On friday we had to show up with court order in hand and police on speed dial because sd was misbehaving for mom and mom was trying to ground her from seeing dad.

How do we deal.. We don't. Dh parallel parents sd. Demands his parenting time and doesn't engage bm in her screaming fits.

She doesn't have my number.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:38 AM

Let your husband deal with her. don't answer her calls, dont' answer her texts, don't go to pick-ups/drop-offs. Stay completely off her radar and just focus on your own family.

by the way she cant' take away "your (plural)" rights. You don't have any rights to take away. You know that, right?

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 7:39 AM

This is something your husand will have to figure out how to deal with. If he can't manage to get his daughter without you, then maybe he's not that interested in getting her.


Quoting TexasGirl90:

 However, if I ignore her, or put DH in charge, she shorts our time with SD, or tries not to send her to us at all. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot!

Rae706
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:16 PM
1 mom liked this
You may just have to let it get to the point of contempt a couple of times. I know that sucks but if you continuously bend over, her belief that she has all of the power is just reinforced.
phoenixhuntress
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:42 PM

I may be a newbie but I don't think of it as "us" when it comes to the CO for my SDs.  They are HIS kids & the order is for HIM & his ex not for "BF/new wife & BM/new husband".  I don't have to involve myself because whether or not BM is "crazy" it's his problem not mine (since I don't know her I don't make that judgment call).


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