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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Sharing

Posted by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 4:41 AM
  • 45 Replies

For those who don't know my background, here a short summary ...

Separated for nearly 7 years, for the majority of this time we practised a near 50/50 (on paper I am CP though). SM's involvement limited due to restrictions in the CO. I pay for the majority of DD13's upbringing (no CS), even at BF's house (sending along underwear, soap, toothpaste etc.).

I've posted on here on several occasions about the sharing of underwear at BF's house ... underwear and socks I provide get worn by SM's two children. This isn't about SM's children per se, it's about the fact that I consider it unhygienic (especially now that SM's oldest has started her period ... I have no intention bleaching bloodied knickers if I don't know whose blood it is). DD has offered to do her own laundry, BF declined. I have offered to do DD's laundry at mine, BF declined. We are still trying to find a solution for this one.

Now, a new problem has come up. Since soap/toothpaste etc. aren't always available at BF's house, I either send it along, or DD buys it herself ... she buys those items with money provided by me (no pocket money at BF's house). Over the past couple of months, DD has repeatedly tried talking to her stepsisters about not entering her room and taking her cosmetics and clothes ... to no avail. Yet again, over the weekend a tub of facial cleanser (DD is getting a bit spotty at the moment) was taken from her room .... she found it empty downstairs in the living room.

When asking SM who took it, SM flipped (and this is not the first time over the same issue). She screamed and shouted, complaining about DD being unable to share, etc. etc. etc.

Now, DD does know how to share. But she has been taught to ASK before taking something, and obviously expects to be asked in return. As a last resort, she now wants a lockable box for her room ... and she wants me to take her to buy it. I don't think this is the right approach, since SM will flip again.

I think DD should talk to BF, who should in turn talk to SM about house rules etc. DD thinks this will just lead to another fight between BF and SM, and she'll be made to pay.

What do you think? Would you consider these items "personal", and should they therefore be "off-limits" to DD's stepsisters?

by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 4:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kevinskitten25
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 4:53 AM
I don't think shampoos and bodywashes or clothes should be a problem to be shared if one of the girls make it seem to be something offlimits then the girls wil feel like they are being treated different and cause arguments and it should be addressed to avoid problems when things aren't a big deal don't make them one. Tooth brushes and hair brushes razors those things she shouldn't have to share
Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 5:06 AM

In principle, I don't disagree with you ... however, shampoos and bodywashes etc. are not freely available at their house. SM shouted at her, saying "oh well, we'll just get you a new one". My question to SM would be "hell, why didn't you get the stuff in the first place, before you had a fight on your hands?".


Quoting kevinskitten25:

I don't think shampoos and bodywashes or clothes should be a problem to be shared if one of the girls make it seem to be something offlimits then the girls wil feel like they are being treated different and cause arguments and it should be addressed to avoid problems when things aren't a big deal don't make them one. Tooth brushes and hair brushes razors those things she shouldn't have to share



kevinskitten25
by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 5:10 AM
So if there isn't shampoo ext kept at the other parents house r they dirty? Sounds like hygiene is not practiced and that kinda would be a problem for me to send my child to stay in that type of lifestlyle and surrounding
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 5:14 AM

They shouldn't be taking any of your daughter's things without asking, first of all. It would be one thing if BF and SM were supplying these items for all the kids and it was meant for common household  use, but you're supplying your daughter's things for when she's at their house. Even that in itself is going above and beyond, it's not your or your daughter's responsibility to make sure SM's kids have these things as well.

It's wrong of them to expect that, and to get upset that your daughter isn't sharing things they haven't bothered to provide. And it's not right for the other kids to think they have free reign to her things or her room. And sharing her socks and underwear with SM's kids is disturbing. 

Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 5:18 AM

I don't think it's a matter of not wanting to provide it, but of forgetting to do so.

Generally, DD hardly ever washes her hair at BF's house ... I usually collect her on a Saturday half-way through her stay from the stables (she spends all weekend there), take her home and we wash hair. This is due to a lack in water pressure ... DD's hair is too long and thick to be washed in a shower that's like "a baby spitting" (quoting DD).

Whilst we might not share the same views on hygiene (both when it comes to the personal side of it and their house), it certainly isn't bad enough to stop contact.


Quoting kevinskitten25:

So if there isn't shampoo ext kept at the other parents house r they dirty? Sounds like hygiene is not practiced and that kinda would be a problem for me to send my child to stay in that type of lifestlyle and surrounding



MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 6:29 AM
Get her a box or container she can lock. You know am is going to keep letting her girls use dd stuff. Those or dds things she shouldn't have to be worried that they will take them and them listen to them acting like whiny brats when she asks them not to.
Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 6:33 AM

Just to clarify ... DD doesn't get expensive cosmetics and soaps ... it really is very basic stuff. She obviously has preferences since she is allergic to some of the stuff ... but her preferences are not overpriced or anything like that.


Quoting runinpinkshoes:

Even that in itself is going above and beyond, it's not your or your daughter's responsibility to make sure SM's kids have these things as well.




Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 6:39 AM

I'm concerned it'll upset SM even more. I very much doubt DD is the source of her upset ... the marriage has once again hit the rocks, and DD and I are usually very convenient scape goats.

Not sure whether you remember the horse share post, which was a similar situation ... DD was supposed to share what is legally MY horse with the younger stepsister. The hoohaa went on for a few weeks, she then decided the horse stank too much (no shit!), and she didn't like horses after all.

I'm obviously still of the opinion that DD should approach BF. For info ... for Christmas, DD bought BF a personalised hairbrush ... after he complained that the girls keep using his hairbrush all the time. So this seems an issue which does get on his nerves as well ... he just doesn't know how to address it with his wife.

Quoting MommySabs:

Get her a box or container she can lock. You know am is going to keep letting her girls use dd stuff. Those or dds things she shouldn't have to be worried that they will take them and them listen to them acting like whiny brats when she asks them not to.



Annawest
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 6:39 AM
In my opinion, if you or your DD buy an item, she isn't required to share it. Sharing underwear is gross. Sharing cosmetics is unhygienic too in my opinion as you can pass pink eye etc. to the other person.

If SM wants her kids to use that stuff she needs to buy it.

If we were talking toys, books, magazines that's one thing to share. I would not have my child sharing anything of a personal nature.
Pero3
by Silver Member on Jul. 22, 2013 at 6:42 AM

Well, this comes from DD, so take it with a pinch of salt ...

The younger stepsister is particularly difficult when it comes to sharing, but gets away with absolutely everything. If one of the older two has a magazine, she insists on borrowing it ... and then charges them to buy their own magazine back from her. SM does absolutely nothing to stop this behaviour.


Quoting Annawest:

If we were talking toys, books, magazines that's one thing to share. I would not have my child sharing anything of a personal nature.



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